The security hedge has fallen, and the brokerage has been compromised. Two men disguised as butlers infiltrate The O Group on a rare day when almost everyone (except Mary) is in the office. They are there to issue a decree through song: Bre is having a Galentine’s Day party. Everyone is invited to this bacchanal of botox and fire dancers, but everyone seems to understand that this is actually the opening salvo of the war that’s been brewing between Mary and Chrishell’s respective fiefdoms. Emma, Chelsea, and Chrishell wisely and politely decline the invitation, something we get to watch the other women say they don’t care about over and over for like a full half hour of television.
Mary is not only absent for this, but she is now threatening to leave the brokerage entirely, something Jason insists he does not want. She is clearly trying to get Chelsea kicked off the show like Nicole. The issue is that Chelsea has tact. She will simply ignore people she does not like and only attack when directly provoked. You know, like a normal human being. But Mary needs Chelsea gone because she, along with Chrishell and Emma, are “on their own little island.” This bothers her for some reason. Like a goblin queen, hiding in a shadowy mountain lair, looking down on that island’s sun-kissed shores, she covets and schemes and seethes.
G Flip can clearly feel what’s coming. They’re begging Chrishell to get away, before the forces of darkness can gather their strength, insisting they escape to raise kids in Australia! The land of dinner-plate-sized spiders that I don’t even want to think about, but now I am, so thanks a lot, G. They also have better healthcare, which you’d have to with all those spiders. Chrishell isn’t sure, and I don’t blame her: it’s a very long flight, and she just got a $28 million listing with a potential $828,000 commission. With that kind of money, you could buy your own Australia to keep at home. But, alas, home is where the danger lies.
Speaking of Sandra, she is executing her mission to the best of her ability, which apparently isn’t much. She prods Chelsea to talk about her issues with Bre at a listing in Hermosa Beach. But Chelsea won’t have it, shutting the whole thing down in a way that clearly irritates her. Later, she arrives at the aforementioned $28 million listing to try the same move on Chrishell, which is a big mistake, huge. Chrishell did not become queen of Glitter Island by falling for obvious pot-stirring ploys like this. In a moment I truly adore, she immediately pulls out her phone to show Sandra a photo of a driver’s license. It is Chrishell’s assistant, who claims to have once been Sandra’s neighbor, and that Sandra once keyed her car. No reason is given as to why she would do this, but I do believe this woman is capable of practically anything.
Later, when she meets with Mary to recount this incident, she also claims that Chrishell told her she had more information that she would “save for later.” We did not see Chrishell say this on camera, and Sandra’s whole recounting of the interaction is very ungenerous to say the least. She performs a hyper-mean caricature of Chrishell, which amuses Mary and seems to concern Amanza, a person whose loyalties remain unclear to me. She is obviously Mary’s friend, but she is also a kind person who I don’t think understands all this goblin shit.
The Galentine’s party itself is a complete farce. Mary has a breakdown simply because she sees Chelsea’s name on a place setting. I guess Bre is the sort of person who doesn’t pay attention to RSVPs and sets the table for everyone she invited, which is utter madness. But this is the sort of behavior that’s considered normal on Goblin Mountain, where Mary and her minions perform dark rituals involving fish semen and needles. Part of what is amusing about this is that I don’t think Bre even realizes she is a minion in all this. She thinks she’s comforting Mary, coming to her defense. However, I think she’s being manipulated into becoming the next Nicole. She will be sent in to try and finish what Sandra failed to even start.
Of course, Emma, Chelsea, and Chrishell do not attend the black mass happening in the mountains above. They’re meeting up for their own Galentine’s dinner — Emma even wears a dress made of tiny heart balloons — where they talk about their careers and how eager they are to simply live their pretty girl lives. Emma has a dog that can meow! Chrishell and G found a sperm donor! Chelsea keeps talking about being a single mom even though she has over a million dollars’ worth of jewelry in her home! (Babe, stop!) They toast to their future: one where they’ve committed to success, to living their days in the sun, to embracing love and light and the power of commerce. They laugh and drink, averting their eyes from the clouds that gather over the mountains above. Determined to ignore the howls that echo from those wicked caverns, dug a thousand years ago by the nameless ones, they will not hear the drums sounding in the deep.
Unlisted Observations
• This was a really, really great season of Selling Sunset, and I appreciate that they’ve committed to building toward a reunion that might actually be of interest. I truly cannot wait.
• This $37 million listing is what the agent describes as a “Billionaire’s paradise,” which means someone who probably doesn’t even get health insurance fills the refrigerator with Erewhon smoothies every day. Also, it’s simultaneously bland and hideous.
• Chelsea’s Hermosa Beach listing is being billed as barely used because the owner only uses it for “fun,” “for parties,” and “for himself”. That is exactly the kind of use that matters, folks. Sandra misses this speech, and so she crawls right on that big fabric platform in front of the TV without a thought, even touching a pillow with her face. Yuck.
• Swiftie Easter Eggs: Nicole is moving to Nashville, which is one of the places where Taylor Swift lives. Chris Appleton’s daughter’s name is Kitty. I am going fully insane.
• Chelsea has a boyfriend, but I won’t feel good about that until he’s been submitted to this show for my judgment. Meanwhile, Emma suggests she’d be willing to get back with Blake if he becomes an entirely different person, which he won’t, so I’m going to let that go.
• Chelsea seems to suggest at their Galentine’s dinner that Sandra didn’t have a real estate license until recently, lending credence to my theory that she’s a double agent.
• Z-List Celebrity Sightings: Though I wish him no ill will, if Chris Appleton had broken his nose by diving into a plank of wood disguised as a bed, I would’ve cried laughing. That is such a funny image.
• Alanna Watch: Alanna did basically nothing this season besides get accidentally absorbed into Mary’s goblin army by default. Doesn’t she make you miss Davina? At least she did stuff.