DEAR DEIDRE: MY boyfriend was plotting to cheat on me so I finished with him, but now I’m worrying that I overreacted.
I’m 28, and he’s 30. We were together for just over two years and until recently, I thought we were happy. He always treated me well and I had faith in our relationship.
Then one day my whole world turned upside down when a friend rang me and told me she had seen him in a bar chatting up other girls.
She said it looked incredibly flirty, and she was certain she had seen him buying them drinks. I felt sick and didn’t want to believe it, but I just couldn’t let it go.
I know it was wrong, but I couldn’t stop myself snooping on his phone while he was in the shower.
My heart sank when I found an array of text threads with other women. He had been complimenting their looks and keeping the conversations going late at night.
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Far too many of the messages were flirty and crossed the line. When I confronted him about it, he admitted it immediately.
He promised he never had any intention of meeting up with any of them and begged me not to throw everything away over what he deemed “a few stupid messages”.
Nothing he said helped. I was so hurt and angry that I ended things there and then.
Since then, he has been apologising constantly and promising he’ll change.
Now the dust has settled, I’m starting to question myself.
Was I too hasty? Does he deserve another chance?
DEIDRE SAYS: You ended your relationship after discovering your boyfriend’s repeated betrayal. That is not an overreaction, it’s a response to a huge breach of trust.
He might not have physically cheated but he consistently undermined your relationship by making connections elsewhere and testing the water with other women.
What you describe goes beyond harmless chatting and into behaviour that undermines your entire relationship.
It’s understandable that, in the heat of shock and hurt, you chose to protect yourself by walking away. It’s also very normal to second guess your decision once emotions settle.
Before you consider rekindling, you need to decide if you will be able to genuinely rebuild trust and feel secure in the relationship again.
My support pack, Cheating – Can You Get Over It?, will help you to carefully think all of this through.
I LOST PLOT AFTER BABY AND SCARED OFF HUSBAND
DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER having a baby, my mental health collapsed and now I’m terrified I’ve imploded my marriage.
I’m 31, my husband is 34, and we’ve been together for seven years.
We had our first baby eight months ago, and what should have been the happiest time of our lives had me unravelling. I was barely sleeping, cried constantly and was plagued by intrusive thoughts and overwhelming anxiety.
Somehow, my mind latched on to the idea that my husband was cheating, even though I had no real evidence. One night it all exploded. I screamed, accused him of betrayal and said some cruel things.
The next morning, he packed a bag and left without a word. Since then, he has blocked my calls, won’t answer messages and will only communicate through his sister about the baby.
I’m now getting help and have been diagnosed with postnatal depression and anxiety.
I’ve tried to tell him in the hope we can fix things, but I’m afraid the damage is done. What if I’ve lost him for ever?
DEIDRE SAYS: Postnatal depression can distort thoughts in frightening ways.
Try to remind yourself that what happened doesn’t make you a bad partner or mother.
Your husband could just need space, so keep focusing on your recovery and the baby, and in time hopefully he’ll come around.
A letter, via his sister, explaining your diagnosis and remorse may help.
Also, suggest some relationship counselling. Try relate.org.uk.
BARMAID BEHAVES WEIRDLY WITH ME
DEAR DEIDRE: A BARMAID at my local seems frightened of me, and I have no clue why.
I’m 42 and have been a regular at this pub for years.
I live in a small town where everyone knows each other, and I pride myself on being polite and respectful.
Six months ago, a new barmaid started, and I’ve noticed she’s become awkward with me. She avoids eye contact, goes quiet if I’m at the bar and often asks someone else to serve me.
I’ve never flirted, commented on her appearance or behaved inappropriately. I’ve only spoken to her to order a drink.
Recently she saw me in the street, panicked and crossed the road. Now I’m questioning everything, and worrying I’ve done or said something wrong without realising it.
I keep replaying every interaction, and just can’t make sense of it.
All I want is to fix it, but I’m not sure how to approach her without alarming her.
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s understandable this has knocked your confidence, but try not to jump to the worst conclusions.
Her behaviour may have nothing to do with you personally. She could be dealing with anxiety, a past experience, or something unrelated to the pub.
Approaching her directly could make things worse.
The kindest option is to give her space, stay polite as you are, and let staff manage interactions. Not everything needs fixing.
SHE BUILT UP BIG DEBT IN MY NAME
DEAR DEIDRE: MY girlfriend secretly racked up thousands of pounds of debt in my name, and I don’t know whether I can forgive the betrayal or trust her again.
I’m 34, she’s 32, and we’ve been together for six years. Since the day we met, I’ve been besotted with her and truly believed she was the one for me.
We live together and had even been talking seriously about marriage and buying a home.
A few weeks ago, I was refused credit when applying for a phone upgrade, and that’s when everything unravelled.
After checking my credit report, I found several loans and credit cards I’d never applied for, all taken out in my name. The balances were huge.
When I confronted her, she lied to my face. She swore she knew nothing about it and even acted offended that I had accused her.
Only when I showed her the evidence did she finally admit to it all. She said she was desperate and planned to clear it all before I ever found out.
I’m not just angry about the money, I’m hurt by the deception. I keep replaying conversations in my head, and now I can’t help but wonder what else she could be hiding from me.
She’s begging me not to report it and promising to fix everything.
DEIDRE SAYS: What your girlfriend did isn’t just a breach of trust, it’s financial fraud.
Taking out credit in your name puts your future at real risk, and you need to protect yourself before thinking about forgiveness. Her desperation doesn’t excuse deception of this scale.
Contact the lenders immediately and explain the accounts were opened fraudulently, and seriously consider reporting this to the police.
It’s the only way to clear your name and limit further damage to your credit.
Also consider seeking legal advice. You can contact citizensadvice.org.uk for free advice.