Lily Allen and David Harbour may have needed 'clear boundaries' to make open marriage work
EXCLUSIVE: A relationship expert reveals what four things make an open marriage succeed in light of Lily Allen and David Harbour's high profile split
Lily Allen and David Harbour officially separated earlier this year after four years of marriage, and one relationship expert may know where they went wrong.
Insiders confirmed their split with People, with one source telling the publication, “Her marriage has been crumbling and they have split.” Before news broke of their breakup, the Smile singer revealed that their marriage was struggling during her appearance on her Miss Me podcast in January.
“I’m finding it hard to be interested in anything. I’m really not in a good place,” Lily said. “I know I’ve been talking about it for months, but I’ve been spiraling and spiraling. It’s got out of control. I’ve tried.”
Lyrics in Allen's latest album, 'West End Girl' also suggest the couple had an open marriage with specific boundaries that Harbour allegedly crossed. The album hints that Allen agreed to the open relationship on the basis that there “had to be payment and it had to be with strangers.”
"Intimacy is inherently messy," she told The Sunday Times, talking of the album's inspiration. "There are usually agreed-upon boundaries in relationships. But whether those boundaries are adhered to or not is becoming a grey area all of a sudden."
Open marriages need strong foundation, expert says
Elizabeth Marks, a Senior Couples Therapist at Manhattan Wellness, believes that the success of an open marriage depends on the people involved and the foundation of their relationship.
"An open marriage is like any relationship - it's nuanced and can be healthy or unhealthy," she tells Mirror US. "Open marriages (or any form of consensual non-monogamy) holds by the same tenets of any relationship, which is that its success is dependent on the people involved, their level of communication and the groundwork or foundation that is built between them."
She adds that there are four things that make an open marriage work.
"Emotional security (to feel valued and safe no matter the level of attention or intimacy available at a certain time), mutual consent (that both parties genuinely want this relationship and to be open), strong communication (to ensure honesty and meeting needs) and the most important which is clear boundaries (what is and what is not within the bounds of the open relationship)," she says.
The ending of any relationship is difficult to process, but Marks emphasizes that it is often necessary to fully understand what aspects of the relationship didn't work.
"If any aspect of the 'open' relationship didn't feel safe, it's important to unpack what alternative boundaries or communication would be needed in the future," she explains.
Lily Allen on showing up for her children
Before Lily was married to David she was married to Sam Cooper from 2011 to 2018. Lily and Sam share daughters Ethel and Marnie.
Allen reflected on her decision to seek help and spend time at a treatment center on the Miss Me podcast, sharing that she had to do it for her children.
"I felt like it was getting harder and harder for me to be able to show up for them in the way that they need me to," she admitted. "It was a really big decision to have to leave them for a few weeks to go and focus on myself, but ultimately it was for them."