Plenty of ink has been spilled about how to prepare children to leave their parents for adventures at college, in new cities, or at new jobs. But much less has been said about the flood of emotions—loneliness, grief, excitement and sadness—that parents and guardians experience when their child leaves the roost. Actress and author Tembi Locke is changing that in a new memoir, out in September, that details how she handled the transition to empty nesting.
Locke discussed all the emotional complexities of her daughter finishing high school and heading off to college in a conversation with Flow Space Editor in Chief Galina Espinoza about her memoir, Someday, Now: A Memoir of Family, Reclaiming Possibility, and One Sicilian Summer. In the book, Locke embarks on an emotional summer adventure back to Sicily with her only child, Zoela, before she leaves for college.
Most discussions of empty nesting focus solely on the heartache it brings, but Locke found much more nuanced feelings during and on the other side of sending her child off into adulthood. “I would say it is full of possibility and that it doesn’t have to be empty,” she says. “It really is a time that is about evolving and there’s a beauty yet to be found.” Here are her six top tips for navigating the complexities of this change and easing the transition to empty nesting.
Don’t Let Busyness Prevent Emotional Processing
One reason this time can feel particularly overwhelming is the fact that it’s so busy. The final semesters of high school are filled with tasks and activities that demand attention, like college applications and graduation festivities. Locke has felt conflicting emotions like happiness and sadness in the throes of her getting her daughter from one task to the next, but it was a small moment that made her realize it was necessary to make room for her feelings.
“I remember being in the grocery store one day, and I thought to myself, ‘Soon I won’t have to buy two boxes of pasta’ and that’s when I said, ‘I need to really be mindful of this moment and not emotionally bypass it,’” she says. Part of her processing included finding moments each day to calm her nervous system.
Establish Communication Rituals Before They Leave
Figuring out how to stay connected is easier if it’s done before your child leaves. Locke spoke with her daughter about establishing rules for connection like Sunday afternoon FaceTime sessions. “It’s kind of a non-negotiable and of course it will change a little bit because their schedules are going to change but we were setting the expectation for the communication cadence that’s going to feel good for [her] but also for me,” she says.
Another practice that worked? Asking whether her daughter needed help, advice, or just for her to listen. “Sometimes just asking that question at the top of the phone call brought the stress levels down,” she adds.
Talk to Your Friends Who Are Going Through the Same Situation
The first couple months after her daughter left were tough for Locke, but talking to friends who had also just sent their kids on their way helped (in fact, she wishes she did it more often). “Those first couple of months, don’t try to just grip your way through it,” she advises. “Reach out and talk to people.”
Pre-Plan Your Goodbye With Your Child
The first day of a new chapter, whether it’s moving into a college dorm or heading off to a new job, is often busier than planned so it isn’t an ideal time for an emotional goodbye. “Pre-planning” your goodbye, like talking the night before, helps make sure an important moment doesn’t get lost in the shuffle. “We left surprise notes she could find and I gave clues like ‘Open on a happy day’ or ‘open on a tough day,’” she says.
Find Some Way to ‘Pause’ With Your Child Between High School and the Transition
Locke took her daughter on a “college-moon” to Sicily, a place steeped in family history but that would also allow for new memories to be made, before she left. Even if you don’t embark on a trip, Locke recommends carving out some dedicated time to reflect and celebrate. “I would definitely recommend taking some pause with your child in that summer between high school and whatever comes next for them,” she says. “It’s a way of saying,’ You’re about to go do this big thing, we’re about to do a big thing together and it matters.”
Give Yourself (and Everyone Else) Grace
Transitions are always fraught, and tension breeds stress. It can be tough in the moment, but Locke advises trying your best to not let stress get the best of you. “If the suitcases aren’t packed 24 hours before a flight takes off, don’t stress out because it will be fine, and it’s not the time to pick a fight,” she says.
