It’s not exactly news that some women have trouble achieving an orgasm during sex. The so-called pleasure gap, namely between heterosexual men and women, continues to persist. One study, published in 2019, found that while 82 percent of men reported orgasming during their most recent casual sexual encounter, only 32 percent of women said the same. Six years later, in another study surveying 24,752 American adults published last June, men reported orgasming between 22 percent and 30 percent more than the women participating.
Still, for the percentage of women who have never gotten there, or the ones who aren’t satisfied by how often they are getting there, there’s no consolation in it being normalized for women just not to come. From the absence of women’s pleasure in most sexual education to the standards that pornography sets to the ways in which the male orgasm is prioritized in heterosexual dating norms, our societal expectations and biases around gender continue to make their way into the bedroom — and into the heads of women attempting to focus on themselves. The result is a sexual landscape that emphasizes how women should perform pleasure rather than experience it.
Of course it doesn’t — it shouldn’t — have to be that way. Below, eight women who previously struggled to orgasm share the moment it finally happened.
Giuliana Carella, 32, New Jersey
When I was 29, I started going to pelvic-floor therapy for reasons related to endometriosis, and we were talking about orgasms. I explained what mine felt like, and she told me that wasn’t it. I realized all I’d ever felt was it starting and then getting cut off. I remember going to the gynecologist when I started having sex and them telling me sex is supposed to be painful. That shaped how I viewed sex, so I spent most of my life up until that point thinking it was normal. At pelvic-floor therapy, they introduced me to what’s called the Pelvic Wand. I also started getting trigger-point injections in my pelvic floor and using vaginal Valium suppositories. After doing that for two years, I was finally able to orgasm. It was with my then-boyfriend, now-husband, after he started going to pelvic-floor therapy with me. When it actually happened, I realized it was so incredibly different from what I thought it was. I always thought people on TV shows were being dramatic during orgasm scenes, and then I realized they were not. It was validating for me to learn that I wasn’t imagining things — that wasn’t how life is supposed to be, and all these things I learned over the years were wrong.
Anonymous, 30, New York
I’m sorry to all of the men before my fiancé because I completely faked it. I put on a performance. I was doing women dirty — with my high-school ex, I pretended to come from nipple stimulation. When my fiancé and I first started dating, I was very forthright with him from the beginning that it was something I’d struggled with. I wanted to start from scratch. We tried foreplay, him stimulating me, but after a while, we realized it wasn’t going to happen. Knowing his eyes could be on me made my brain kick on. A year into dating, we started bringing the vibrator, but I still couldn’t get there. The way it ended up happening was him literally having to pretend to be asleep while I used a vibrator next to him. The first time it happened, during sex he was on top and I was using the vibrator, but it just wasn’t going to happen; so after he finished, he just laid on me and the vibrator was still going. While he was still in me, he turned his head away and pretended to be asleep. It took a long time, but it finally happened. I cried right afterward. It was another layer of closeness that I’ve never had with anyone else.
Tran, 25, Toronto, Canada
I’ve been subconsciously masturbating ever since I was 5 years old, dry humping stuffed animals. Throughout my youth, I explored the classic toothbrush as a vibrator and started doing things with my hands before, eventually, when I became of age, I bought myself my first vibrator. Still, I would get to the point where I feel like I could climax, but I couldn’t get over that hill. It was like the roller coaster that goes up, but instead of going forward and down, it just rolls backward. I was forever edging myself. Then, in March 2023, I was with a partner who I’d been with for two months. My track record has been very heteronormative, but it was one of my most serious dating queer experiences. They were fingering me and found this one spot, my A-spot, which is past the G-spot, that I responded really well to. Before I knew it, I realized I had come. My body wasn’t registering what happened, and I freaked out. It wasn’t euphoria that I felt — it was extreme confusion and anxiety. I was looking at them, and I could see them moving further away from me. It might have been a panic attack. I left and walked downstairs from their building and stopped for 30 minutes outside. I had to cry because it was too much. We stopped dating in July 2024, and I haven’t been able to make myself come anymore since, and I can’t come with other people. Knowing I can makes it even more frustrating now, and it feels like this one rare moment within the time of us dating that I haven’t been able to find again. I have a huge mental barrier and feel like, Darn, why can’t I or anyone else trigger this again?
Anonymous, 21, Austin, Texas
I didn’t finish with my first boyfriend, the person I lost my virginity to, so it set the tone for what sex was going to be like in my head. I saw online that so many women just don’t finish, especially from penetration, and I’d just accepted that I was one of those women. I’ve had 19 partners, including my current partner, and he’s the only one to ever make me orgasm. We were long distance for a while, so my first week that I was with him still felt like a bit of a performative act. But then the second time I visited, we meditated together. I focused on my breathing and what felt good instead of worrying about what would be the most sexy to him. I came multiple times that day, just from him using his hands. Later that week, I was able to finish from penetration. I was so flabbergasted that that was possible for me that I immediately picked up my phone to Google it and make sure I felt what I thought I felt. My jaw dropped.
Anonymous, 28, New York
I was 25 when I first came in front of someone, and then it was last year that someone made me orgasm for the first time. I didn’t think I was ever going to be able to. I would enjoy myself during sex but then find more pleasure later, solo, with the memories to go back to. When I first came in front of someone, the guy was such a dick that I didn’t feel like the attention was on me at all. I felt comfortable touching myself because I didn’t feel observed. Then the guy that made me come for the first time also ended up being a complete asshole but, at the time, I was deeply in love with him. He was the first person I felt really comfortable with touching me. Being trans, before that, a lot of the time, it would hurt, and it would be awkward to try and to tell them to stop. But with this guy, we were lying around, it didn’t hurt, and I didn’t feel like stopping it. It didn’t even feel like sex: We were just fooling around. It was very gentle. Usually, whenever I get close, I say ‘don’t stop doing that thing’ but then they go even harder. He just kept it exactly right. It hasn’t happened again since.
Ashleigh Tribble, 33, Brooklyn
In college a friend and his girlfriend used a Hitachi on me, and I had a full orgasm for the first time. I didn’t even know my body could feel that way. What really shifted things was that they were both completely focused on me and my pleasure. It wasn’t performative, and it wasn’t about getting something in return. That kind of presence changed everything. The experience was so intense that when a friend picked me up afterward, she asked if I was okay; something about me was just different. I hadn’t had a real orgasm before that moment. I didn’t really masturbate, and the guys I’d been with didn’t care about my pleasure, so it wasn’t even on my radar. Pleasure was something I brushed off, not because I didn’t want it but because I didn’t know I could have it. Looking back, I think I came close once, but I didn’t know what was happening in my body. I couldn’t fully register it, and afterward, I felt a lot of guilt. Since then, I’ve learned I can experience different kinds of orgasms, but only with partners who are fully invested in my pleasure, not treating me like a means to an end but as someone worthy of being cared for in that way.
Anonymous, 24, Seattle
I never masturbated growing up, prior to losing my virginity and sleeping with men. I have some conservative family members, so I never tried because I always thought it was bad and I shouldn’t be doing it. I totally thought that I had vaginismus because sometimes I couldn’t even put a tampon up there — I thought my body was just broken. The first time I finished was last July. I knew straight porn always made me feel uncomfortable and cringe, so I was watching lesbian porn with a rabbit toy and no care in the world. I’d never felt an overwhelming rush throughout my body like I did that time. I never could orgasm with men, but I didn’t realize that I’m super gay until I started dating my girlfriend. I orgasmed with her for the first time pretty recently. She was doing her thing on me — we were using sex toys — and then she kissed me. It got me out of my head. There’s still a mental block where I worry about taking too long, but now I can finish in five minutes by myself. I’ve also figured out that I’m a squirter, which is a new development.
Gabi, 28, São Paulo, Brazil
I always had a hard time reaching orgasm; I believe it was due to childhood traumas. Then, five years ago, a friend who was just starting out with Tantric massage offered me a session. It ended up feeling more like an exorcism of all those old traumas than a massage. It was one of the wildest therapeutic experiences I’ve ever had. We started repeating words and phrases that made my unconsciousness feel like I’m worth it. I forgave everything that happened when I was a kid, and she kept repeating positive things to me. She used a vibrator all around my body: on my neck, breasts, and around my vulva. I orgasmed, all of my body felt silent, and then we talked a little more, like a therapy session. After that day, reaching orgasm has stopped feeling like something distant and started becoming a natural part of my relationships.
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