From Estefanía Vanegas Pessoa, an advice column for anyone who’s ever thought, Am I the only one feeling this way?
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‘I’ve Always Had a Hard Time Making Friends — How Do I Not Be So Anxious About Putting Myself Out There?’
Hi Tefi!!
So I just recently turned 21! And as I’m starting to really enter “adulthood,” I guess I’ve realized that some of the relationships in my life don’t feel fulfilling on my end. I’ve always had a hard time making friends — I’m really quiet and shy when I first meet people, and I low-key come across as awkward. Obviously that kind of turns people away and if I’m being honest, I feel like that also holds me back from trying to talk to new people because I’m scared they won’t like me.
I have a small friend group, but I feel like they all have someone (either in the group or outside) who they’d rather hang out with. I feel like I’m a good friend. I’m genuinely caring and supportive, and I’d like to think I’m really funny. I don’t know, Tefi. I just feel like my friends hang out with me out of convenience ’cause I’m the only one who drives. I also have a nine-to-five job so it’s rare for me to be free during the week but it sucks because I see them going out and hanging out and then when I finally get a day off, they’re all busy and can’t hang out. I don’t necessarily think there’s anything malicious behind it. I just think they’re not being very considerate of me or my feelings.
There are like three girls outside my social circle who I’d really like to be friends with, but I’m too scared to reach out and ask to hang out. Because I guess I don’t ever want them to feel pressured into hanging out with me or something, you know? But we’re always liking each other’s Instagram Stories and commenting, so I just feel like we’d be great friends. But I don’t know, I’m anxious about it.
I don’t want to go through my 20s all sad and lonely, but I don’t really know how to NOT be so anxious about putting myself out there more.
Sorry this was so long! Thank you for your advice in advance!!
—Feeling Lonely
My sweet, sweet, lonely angel,
I caught myself smiling when I read “adulthood.” You’re right! You are an adult. But also, I can clearly remember myself at 21 and not feeling “adult” at all. I’m over a decade older than you and I still think, Holy fuck, everyone is going to find out I’m really 17 cosplaying as 35. And by the way, you aren’t alone. I get ten-plus emails in the “Ask Tefi” inbox every single day asking me what to do about loneliness.
You’re currently in a weird period of life: outgrowing some of your friends. It fucking sucks, but it’s just one of those things we all go through. Now I have terrible news, and I need you to still like me after I tell you: You have to be brave and ask those girls to hang out.
I KNOW. I KNOWWWWWW. IT IS LITERALLY SO SCARY.
Sometimes I go to events and I’ll feel like the biggest dork loser at the party. I even avoid checking my emails all day so just in case no one talks to me, I can read them then and have something to do with my hands. I’ll see the coolest girls and I’ll think, Fuck, how do I talk to them? Why would they talk to me? But! We have to be brave. And we have to reach out our hand ready to shake someone else’s and say, “Hi, I’m me. Who are you? It’s nice to meet you.”
Maybe that can be our act of bravery this week. Bravery isn’t like doing our own stunts in a movie or taming a wild animal. Sometimes bravery looks like wanting more friends and trying.
All my love,
Your friend Tefi
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‘My Friend Lied About Getting Back Together With Her Ex — Do We Have an Intervention or Just Call This Friendship Off?’
Hello,
Just about a year ago, one of my closest amigas (let’s call her B.) came to our OG trio of besties crying about how her man’s ex-girlfriend (who he was still living with *eye roll*) called her basically asking her who she was and blowing up the fact that B. has been the other woman for over a year. That night she also found out that the ring this man had used to propose to B. was the ring his “ex-girl” picked out. There is so much more she found out about him that I just feel like this needs a voice memo because what the hell. Moving on …
Now me and A. (the other amiga who makes up the trio) were very much supportive and also equal parts “Fuck that POS. We will bury him.” (Important to note that A. and I are both Sagittarius queens.) After a few weeks/months of check-ins, A. and I thought this man was out of all our lives.
Fast-forward to two-ish months ago. I was casually watching my own Stories on Insta as one does, checking to see if my ex (who I very much still love and am in therapy over, but we can talk about that some other time) had seen my latest thirst trap — when boom! I see that someone I don’t know has watched my story. Normally, I’d just move on with my life but I noticed it was a man who looked familiar posing with my bestie B. I instantly go to this profile and of course it’s not private and the first picture is of HIM ON ONE KNEE PROPOSING TO B. with a caption that says “FIANCÉ.” Tefi, I almost passed away from confusion.
I immediately called A. with this news. We debriefed and then reached out to B. We didn’t get a response until like four or five days later — it was full of gaslighting language and zero remorse for basically lying to us for a year. B. had apparently forgiven this twatcicle in the name of the lord … literally. They are now married. *intense eyeroll*
So do we need to have an intervention for our girl? Should we just call this friendship off? Am I valid in being angry with her?
Con mucho mucho … amor,
—C. (for the cuntiest of the three)
Hello, Cunty Cutie,
I gasped so hard reading this that I woke up my cat. No need to apologize — I told her the tea and she was gagged as well. Bottom line: You can’t end your friendship with your girl.
If I were you, I would have an intervention IMMEDIATELY. LIKE, TOMORROW. And please tell her I said this: “Hey girl. You don’t know me and I don’t know you. But I don’t need to know you to love you. You deserve a better story than this. No one is judging you! You’re in love and you feel you found that thing you’ve been looking for your whole life. And I know you’re telling yourself that everyone makes mistakes and the man he was is not the man he is, that this is different. And you could be right! But, baby, what if you’re wrong? You know?”
Okay, back to you, Cunty: You can’t save her. You can remind her who she is, but you can’t drag her to shore if she’s not ready to swim yet. That’s the hardest part of loving a friend who’s lost herself in someone. Ya gotta grieve them a little bit.
Have a talk with her just once, and tell her you’re worried about her BECAUSE you love her. Try to do your best not to make her feel stupid or to discipline her. You are valid in being angry and confused, but she’s already ashamed and we know that because she didn’t tell you about the engagement. I know I’ve fucked up when I have to lie to my friends about it.
This friendship doesn’t have to end, but it may have to pause. If this man is who you fear he is — a piece of shit — she will come to you when she needs a real friend who won’t judge her. And when she does, she’ll need the kind of friend who won’t say, “I told you so.” Even though you’ll want to scream it at her. But you won’t! You’ll listen, and you’ll be there for her. Because that’s what the real ones do.
Love,
Me and my cat
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‘How Do I Slide Into the DMs?’
Hi Tefi,
Last year I got out of a relationship I had been in for five years. Recently, I’ve been thinking about exploring connecting with others. But I feel like I forgot how to do that.
A few months ago, a cute acquaintance of many years added me to their close friends. (Some details for context: This is WLW — I’m femme and they’re masc — and they live in a different city.) Naturally, I added them back to my close friends. They’ve liked every selfie or post, but they don’t start a conversation. I’m interested and down to make the first move.
How would you slide into the DMs? Have you ever slid into the DMs? Why or why not?
Single and Online
Hello, Single and Scared to Mingle!!
Girl, if you don’t slide into those DMs TODAY. FUCK IT. They live in a different city, so you won’t have to see them around your own city if nothing happens, plus they already like your selfies. FUUUUUCK ITTTTTTTTTT.
Next time they like your selfie, reply with this: “What do you like about it?”
Love,
Eeeeeeeeeeeeee so excited for you eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Send your questions to asktefi@thecut.com (and read our submission terms here).
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