I've been the recliner and the reclinee, and I'm here to tell you: We're all doing it wrong
In Reader’s Digest’s new series, “Is It Really Rude to…,” Charlotte Hilton Andersen tackles low-stakes etiquette questions from everyday life using a combination of her common sense and vast knowledge from writing 50-plus etiquette stories for this site. Have a situation you can’t stop ruminating on? Email us at [email protected].
There I was, on a recent cross-country flight, wedged into seat 27B (a middle seat, obviously), with my knees already making intimate acquaintance with the seat back in front of me. Then I hear it—that telltale click followed by the slow, inevitable descent of the seat in front of me directly into my lap. My laptop screen folds like a taco shell. My drink threatens mutiny. And the passenger in front? Blissfully reclined, probably enjoying a nice nap while I’m over here folded like a pretzel.
Here’s the thing: I wanted to be mad. I tried to be mad. But then I remembered that I also recline my seat on airplanes.
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To recline or not to recline?
If you’ve spent any time on the internet (and if you’re reading this, I’m assuming you have), you know the airplane recline debate is more heated than the political climate, more divisive than pineapple on pizza, and causes more drama than a season finale of The Bachelor.
On one side, we have Team No-Recline, who argue that reclining your seat is the equivalent of stealing someone else’s already minuscule personal space. These folks point out that we’re all suffering together in economy class, and the least we can do is maintain some solidarity by keeping our seats upright. They’re not wrong—modern airplane seats offer about as much legroom as my daughter’s Barbie Dream Jet, and when someone reclines, it can feel like they’re literally sitting in your lap.
On the other side, there’s Team Recline-and-Relax, who counter with the perfectly reasonable argument that the seat reclines for a reason. “It’s my seat, I paid for it, and if the airline didn’t want me to recline, they wouldn’t have installed the button,” they say, often while already fully reclined with their tiny airplane pillow fluffed just so.
Both sides make valid points, which is why this debate has raged on since the dawn of commercial aviation (or at least since airlines started shrinking seats to the size of a postage stamp).
What do the etiquette experts say?
I know what you’re thinking: Just tell me the rule already! Unfortunately, this is one of those etiquette situations where the rules aren’t always clear cut. According to Jan Goss, an etiquette expert with more than 30 years of experience, traditional etiquette says that yes, you’re technically allowed to recline—it’s a feature of your seat. But (and this is a big but), “just because you can do something doesn’t always mean you should,” she notes. “Etiquette is ultimately about being considerate of others and leading with kindness.” And when you’re in a sardine can at 30,000 feet, consideration is the secret sauce that keeps us all from going full Lord of the Flies.
Like so many etiquette questions, she says the context matters. Daytime flight? Maybe don’t recline, or at least not all the way. Red-eye flight? Recline away, friend—we’re all trying to sleep. Meal service? Keep that seat upright; no one should have to eat their sad airline pasta while contorted like a Cirque du Soleil performer.
For myself, after years of flying and experiencing both sides of this situation, here’s what I’ve landed on: Reclining your seat isn’t inherently rude, but how you recline absolutely can be. I follow what I call the Golden Rule of Reclining (trademark pending).
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Check behind you first. Just a quick glance. Is there someone working on a laptop? Someone particularly tall? A toddler who might get their fingers caught? (Trust me, you don’t want to be responsible for that crying fit.)
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Recline slowly. This isn’t a race. Give the person behind you a fighting chance to move their drink, save their work or brace themselves.
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Consider the timing. For meal service, keep it upright. For a red-eye flight, recline with my blessing. Short hop under two hours? Maybe we can all just tough it out upright together.
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If someone asks you to put your seat up, at least consider it. Sure, you have the “right” to recline, but is dying on this particular hill really worth it? (Not usually.)
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If you’re the person behind the recliner, use your words. A polite “Excuse me, would you mind putting your seat up a bit? I’m trying to work/eat/not have my knees inverted” works way better than the passive-aggressive knee-jab approach.
Look, air travel is already stressful enough without adding interpersonal warfare to the mix. Between the TSA lines, the crying babies (no shade, I’ve been the parent with the crying baby) and the mystery of why tomato juice tastes different on planes, we’re all just trying to get from Point A to Point B with our sanity intact.
The verdict: Reclining your seat isn’t automatically rude, but doing it without any consideration for the person behind you? That’s where rudeness enters the chat. We’re all stuck in this flying tube together. The person in front of you wants to be comfortable. The person behind you wants to be comfortable. You want to be comfortable. And the beautiful thing is, with just a smidge of awareness and courtesy, we can all make it work, Goss says.
Besides, let’s be honest, the real villain here isn’t the person who reclines—it’s the airlines that keep shrinking our seats while somehow charging us more. But that’s an article for another day.
About the expert
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Reader’s Digest has published hundreds of etiquette stories that help readers navigate communication in a changing world. We regularly cover topics such as the best messages to send for any occasion, polite habits that aren’t as polite as they seem, email and texting etiquette, business etiquette, tipping etiquette, travel etiquette and more. We’re committed to producing high-quality content by writers with expertise and experience in their field in consultation with relevant, qualified experts. We rely on reputable primary sources, including government and professional organizations and academic institutions as well as our writers’ personal experiences where appropriate. We verify all facts and data, back them with credible sourcing and revisit them over time to ensure they remain accurate and up to date. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.
Source:
- Jan Goss, etiquette expert, founder of Show Up Well Consulting and author of several books on etiquette, including Protocol Power; phone interview, Nov. 1, 2025
