'I'm feeling lost and missing the drama after my divorce'
Resident agony aunt Coleen Nolan has advice for a reader who's struggling with life after her marriage break-up because she doesn't know what her future holds
Dear Coleen
This may sound odd, but my divorce finally came through a few weeks ago, and although I should be relieved and happy that I can move on, I’ve found myself a bit lost.
I’d go further and say that I’m almost missing all the drama and back and forth with my ex. It was all I could focus on for quite a long time.
I literally don’t know what to do with myself and have no clue what’s next for me.
During my marriage, my time was taken up with babysitting my ex, who was very needy and argumentative.
I was always trying to smooth things over with him and keep the peace.
Everything was always about him – he’s unbelievably selfish.
Then we separated and the divorce proceedings cranked up. Of course, he was unreasonable about everything – arrangements for the kids, the house, our finances and more.
It just feels weird that it’s done and I don’t have to fight him any more. It’s left a vacuum I suppose and I don’t know how to fill it.
I’d love to know if this is a weird reaction and if you have any tips on coping post-divorce.
Coleen says
When you finally break free from any type of toxic relationship, I think you do go through a period of exactly this – feeling a bit lost and maybe even a bit bored because you’re so used to dealing with drama.
It’s familiar to you and people tend to find refuge in what’s familiar, even if it’s not serving them and even if it’s traumatic.
When all of a sudden it’s gone, it does leave a vacuum for you to fill. But you are free now and able to make any decision you want for yourself and that’s a great thing.
I’ve been divorced twice and, once the initial elation was over, there were moments when I thought, “What do I do now?” and it’s quite terrifying.
It’s a bit like a grieving process – you go through different stages and emotions – and it takes time to heal, so be patient with yourself. You have to always remember why the marriage ended and stop your brain from focusing on the good times: when you first met, when your first baby came along and so on. Remind yourself of when it wasn’t lovely.
You know you can’t go back and you will find your way. It’s important to start doing things that you couldn’t do when you were together and to start building the life you deserve. You have the space to fill it up with good things.
It’s just about getting used to a new way of life and starting again on your own, but it’s exciting too. And it doesn’t mean you’ll be on your own forever, but I always think it’s important to have time to process what’s happened and get to know yourself again and what you want before diving into another relationship.
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