Lighten Up: How I saved the day at the wedding of the century
This invitation was the most important thing to come through my letterbox in years. And I was damned if I was going to lose out.
I'm only just back from the Jeff Bezos wedding and have a head up on me like a fellow who spent the weekend in Lisdoonvarna.
Craic? You have no idea.
Drink? It flowed like cow's milk.
The invitation came late.
It got lost in the post, I'm told, and this is something I will have to bring up with An Post at a later date.
This invitation was the most important thing to come through my letterbox in years. And I was damned if I was going to lose out.
Anyhow, because I was invited at the last moment, sure I didn't have a suit lined up or anything.
"Come as you are!" Jeff shouts down the line. "The party has begun already."
He was on his boat at that stage, in the outskirts of Venice, I was only catching the ferry.
I was a long ways from Venice, and Jeff was a long ways from Rosslare.
I got there eventually, and Jeff was in his element.
"Did you bring the ring?" he asked excitedly.
"Of course I did," says I, and I showed him the one I had purchased from one of Cork's finest jewellers.
"Boy golly," says he, "tis a right sparkler. My missus will love it.
"I'll pay you later," he quipped, before grabbing the ring and putting it in his pocket.
Anyhow, onto his boat we got, and I met all the glamorous people of the world.
Dignitaries from across the globe and a few farmers too, soon I was feeling right at home.
Shortly after this, the priest climbed on board. I hauled up his truck of tricks, containing his vestments and so on. I did all this, for nobody else could be bothered.
Soon, Mass got under way, and by the time we got to the wedding ceremony bit, there wasn't a dry eye in the house. And this wasn't because of tears. No, It was only because the sea had gotten very rough and water was coming on board by the new time.
T'was like standing beside a busy sheep-dipping tank, only without the smell.
The man steering the ship had seen better days too, and was in dire need of a rest, so I took charge of the vessel and quickly steered her into less choppy waters.
The boat was also in dire need of an oil and filter change too and many nipples also needed greasing. And I did all this in my spare time.
In due course, the priest blessed the happy couple. The ring was found, confetti was flung, and soon we were all dancing merrily and drinking solidly.
And because I had found such a fine, calm patch in which to drop anchor, very few on board were sick like dogs.
"Denny boy," says Jeff at the end of the night, with a tear in his eye, "I don't think I could have done it without you."
"Of course you couldn't," says I, "For you don't know the first thing about steering a ship in choppy waters. Being a farmer from West Cork prepares you for every eventuality," I told the billionaire.
"Well, you can't have everything Jeff," I stressed before steering the ship back to the quayside, rounding off the wedding of the century to perfection.
