We’ve officially entered an era where straight women have to date like they’re playing defense, mostly because there are too many bad players trying to score.
There are the fuckboys, the love bombers, the “nice guys” (who are anything but nice once they hear “no”).
And now, the internet has decided there’s a new villain to look out for: the “performative male.” These are the men that paint their nails and carry a tattered, note-ridden copy of “All About Love” in their tote bags — not because they’re genuinely interested in increasing their emotional intelligence, but because it will supposedly have a catnip-like effect on women.
The meme has become so prevalent that a community in Seattle even hosted a “Performative Male Competition,” where contestants earned applause for drinking matcha lattes, toting a Labubu, and reading aloud from feminist literature — all things deemed feminist, or at least feminine. This wouldn’t be the first time men put on a facade to get sex. And while I’m typically first in line to ridicule men and their attempts at deception, for me, the joke falls a little flat.
In a world that collectively rejects these “fake” feminist men because they’re being manipulative, I implore you to take a second look. Because the alternative is much darker.
We are shunning the “performative male” as a way of self-preservation. Calling out deception and tearing men down for it feels like power. But by dismissing men who engage with anything “feminine” (BTW, when did reading become a girl thing?) we aren’t protecting ourselves. Instead, we’re just reinforcing the very gender traps we’re trying to escape.
No one is denying that straight men will orchestrate entirely new personalities just to get laid. It’s deplorable. But should our response be to reject anyone who may have interests outside what society deems as “manly”? Are we such strict enforcers of gender roles — the same gender roles that harm us more than them — that we decide the only way a straight man might enjoy nail polish and bell hooks is if he’s being duplicitous?
By buying into that narrative, we’re telling men that the only way to be “authentic” is to fit neatly into antiquated, hyper-masculine stereotypes.
And even if every man who wears thrifted baggy jeans and has an Audre Lorde poem queued up were putting on a front, is it really the worst method of manipulation out there?
If the options are a man who is begrudgingly scanning the greatest feminist works in history for the sake of pretending or a man who doesn’t bother at all, I’ll take the faker every time. At least he’s signaling that a different version of masculinity exists, even if he doesn’t exactly know how to embody it. Simply presenting himself in a way that goes against the status quo — even if it is a facade — is an act of resistance against toxic masculinity.
I argue that while it seems like the “performative male” meme is poking fun at men, women end up being the punch line. It paints us as so gullible that all it takes is a “Respect Women” T-shirt and a soft, beige color palette to make us lose all critical thinking. That’s insulting — not just to our intelligence but to our ability to discern between a red flag and a man with a library card. We deserve more credit than that.
If the choice is between a man cosplaying feminism with a tote bag and a man clinging to outdated ideas of what “real men” should be, I know which one I’ll take my chances with — especially considering that my perception of the former may just be my own internalized bias.
By labeling “effeminate” men as performative, we risk othering them and punishing them for veering away from the very ideas of masculinity that hurt us in the long run. An “authentic” illiterate meathead who shames you for being into astrology cannot be our only romantic option in romance.
Maybe letting men try on a “softer” idea of masculinity — even if some of it is an act — isn’t the worst thing for any of us. Worst-case scenario, we end up alongside someone with wired headphones (incorrectly) mansplaining the Bechdel test.