Growing pains

It's little wonder that few soap children grow up to go to university or get a job in anything other than a bar. They are so under-stimulated by their parents, it's a miracle they even get to speak.

Emmerdale's Victoria was about three before she uttered a syllable, and Brookside's William has been ignored by his parents for so long, you can't help wondering whether the first words they speak to him will be congratulations on passing his driving test.

EastEnders' Ben had to be dispatched to South Africa because of the strange lack of toys in London (I think he had one in three years), and Gary's twins in Coronation Street had to be sent to Blackpool if they were not to live the rest of their lives in the monosyllabic desert that was their dad's world.

A by-product of this lack of attention is a tendency for children to meet with unfortunate accidents. Emmerdale's Belle fell off a kitchen unit a couple of weeks ago and, strangely aged about three years by the time she reached the floor.

This week, Coronation Street's Sawphie had a bookcase fall on her. Why Danny was making the thing in the middle of the living room is something of a mystery, anyway, and how it managed to be constructed, varnished and upstanding in one episode is even more of a mystery; but Sawphie nevertheless couldn't escape it.

Given the lack of stimulation in the home, you couldn't blame EastEnders' Sonia for thinking that her baby Chloe would be better off elsewhere. Compared to soapworld, Jurassic Park looks like kiddie heaven.

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