The Celebrity Traitors (BBC1)
What wouldn't you give to be a Traitor? Some of the stars jostling to stab each other in the back at Claudia Winkleman's Highlands castle are so eager, they might literally kill to take part.
The line-up for The Celebrity Traitors is more stellar than any reality show ever screened before on British telly. Among the names are several who, you'd think, would be mortally insulted by the very idea of appearing on any lesser showcase.
To suggest that Celia Imrie might do Dancing On Ice, or that Stephen Fry would be up for Taskmaster, is nothing short of libellous.
But they were simmering with excitement to be ferried in a motorcade of all-terrain limos across the Scottish moors, with fellow contestants including Jonathan Ross, Charlotte Church, Paloma Faith, Kate Garraway and Alan Carr.
They're not doing it for the money. Rumour has it they're each getting a flat fee of £40,000 – decent money, but less than half what successful hoofers will pocket on Strictly, and a pittance compared to the rewards for eating bugs in the Australian jungle... with Nigel Farage rumoured to have collected £1.5 million for his 2023 stint on I'm A Celebrity.
The 19 participants on The Celebrity Traitors are there for the sheer hell of it. And hell it was from the outset, as the first fiendish game had them scrabbling around in a cemetery before they'd even set foot in the castle.
Their cortege took them right up to the battlements, before doubling back and discharging them beside rows of headstones. On each one, a celeb's name was engraved.
In a cape and knee-length black boots, like a wicked sprite from a fairytale, Claudia ordered them to scrabble in the newly-dug earth to find six amulets or shields. These would guarantee the finders immunity from the first elimination round.
Paloma Faith during her fireside chat with host Claudia Winkleman
Some of the stars jostling to stab each other in the back at Claudia Winkleman's Highlands castle are so eager, they might literally kill to take part, writes Christopher Stevens
The line-up for The Celebrity Traitors is more stellar than any reality show ever screened before on British telly
And in case we didn't get the significance, she spelled it out. The celebs were being made to 'dig their own graves'.
Some used trowels and spades. Others clawed at the soil with their bare hands. None of them looked like they did much gardening, and former child star Charlotte appeared to be trying to bury a bone like a dog – ruining her white dress in the process.
Actor Nick Mohammed, best known for the AppleTV+ series Ted Lasso, tried to curry favour early, abandoning any hope of finding a shield for himself by helping Celia hunt for hers.
That was bad politics on two counts. Firstly, 73-year-old Celia doesn't even pretend to be a sweet septuagenarian. 'People think I'm nice. But I'm not,' she confided to Claudia later in a fireside chat.
'People have the wrong impression of me, and that could be terribly useful in this game.'
Secondly, when everyone is suspicious of each other's motives, it doesn't help to be ostentatiously begging for brownie points. At best, Nick looked disingenuous – at worst, conniving and deceitful.
Nothing he says or does from now on will be taken at face value.
All the stars are already fans of the show. They wouldn't be here otherwise. They've been plotting their gameplay and practising their poker faces. But each new run of The Traitors brings tweaks and changes.
Charlotte Church (pictured) is among the stellar lineup of celebrities, which also includes Kate Garraway and Alan Carr
Stephen Fry is among the stellar line-up for Celebrity Traitors. They're not doing it for the money. Rumour has it they're each getting a flat fee of £40,000
The 19 participants on The Celebrity Traitors are there for the sheer hell of it. And hell it was from the outset
I predict one surprise will be the introduction of at least one new player next week – if only because 19 is such an unlikely number for a full complement of celebs. The only other explanation is that somebody was dropped at the last moment.
Perhaps Sarah Ferguson was pencilled in, until her latest PR disaster erupted.
We can expect other twists to the format, too. Claudia, with her face pancaked in greenish-beige make-up that gave her a tinge of the undead, promised us as much. 'The celebrities think they know what they've signed up for,' she said, 'but they've got no idea.'
Above all, just about every one of them was eager to be a Traitor... not for the sense of power or the opportunity to play the villain, but for the most showbizzy reason of all.
Traitors get more screen time.
Claudia selected Jonathan, singer Cat Burns, and Alan – who promptly began sweating with nerves till his hair looked like he'd just washed it in the kitchen sink.
The game, if you've missed the first two non-celebrity series (and the US spin-off presented by Alan Cumming), is deceptively simple. Three players are secretly designated Traitors. They meet each night, in a castle turret, and decide which contestant shall be eliminated, or 'murdered'.
The rest are called the Faithful, and it's their job to spot the killers in their midst, sifting every chance remark for clues, lies and giveaways. At a daily round-table debate, they get a chance to air their suspicions and point the finger – before denouncing and expelling one player.
Claudia selected Jonathan, singer Cat Burns, and Alan (pictured) to be Traitors – who promptly began sweating with nerves till his hair looked like he'd just washed it in the kitchen sink
They were simmering with excitement to be ferried in a motorcade of all-terrain limos across the Scottish moors
If the Faithful get their guesses right and flush out the Traitors, they get to share the prize money: in this case, £100,000 for charity. But if any Traitors are undetected, they get to keep the entire pot – as former soldier Harry Clark did in the series last year.
This series will run for three weeks, with the second episode tonight. So far, no one has been murdered, but we ended on a cliffhanger, with Traitor Alan about to select his first victim and dispatch them by touching their face.
Viewers tune in to enjoy the spreading paranoia as players are defenestrated one by one, and for the spectacle of brazen lying. The weakest part of this format is often the daily team game, where players get to add funds to the pot by completing physical challenges.
This time, though, the sports were good entertainment, as the celebs dragged an enormous Trojan horse up a hill, opening a series of gates along the way by solving puzzles.
Telly personality Clare Balding made a few enemies by blundering with one of the tests, almost costing them a game. She isn't one of the Traitors but she's given everyone a reason to kick her out.
So far, we've seen next to nothing of actor Mark Bonnar, comedian Lucy Beaumont and historian David Olusoga. Might they come to the fore later on? Or am I falling into the show's trap, and seeing telltale signs where none exist?
It's too soon to guess. As Stephen Fry said mockingly, 'May the worst person win.'
