I'm desperate to play for England, but they might never take the risk

Marcus Trescothick pauses

momentarily in the lobby of the

players' pavilion at Edgbaston,

just to make sure his place in

cricket history is intact. There, on

consecutive lines near the foot of

the roll of honour of batsmen who have made Test

centuries at the ground, is the name ME Trescothick,

the figures 105 and 107, the opponents West

Indies and the year 2004. He remains the only

man to score two hundreds at Edgbaston in the

same Test.

To Trescothick's supporters the sight is as

poignant as it is reassuring; the certainty that he

has been one heck of a player for England, now

trying desperately to nudge out the uncertainty

over whether he ever will play for them again.

For that was then, two years before the stressrelated

breakdown that made most of 2006 a

living hell and led him to quit not one tour — to

India, in February — but two, after his premature

exit from the defence of the Ashes, in November.

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At that time, by his own admission, he was a

"shambles, devastated, unfit to play and unfit to be

anywhere near the team."

Now it is a grey Friday afternoon in rainy Birmingham

on the day England announced another

squad without his name in it, this time under new

one-day skipper Paul Collingwood for the upcoming

one-day action against West Indies.

Trescothick has just got off the coach from

Taunton with his Somerset team-mates for a

Twenty20 slogfest with Warwickshire.

While the 31-year old opener insists he is not yet

ready to make himself available for England, the

good news is that he firmly believes that day is

coming closer. He is equally adamant he must not

rush back, for the risks to his health of another

setback are simply too great to ignore.

"Of course I'd love to be playing for England again

and watching them this summer has sometimes

been painful for me," he said. "I've seen every Test

on TV and it's been 'God, I miss this, I miss this a

lot'. When the first Test started at Lord's I was

very twitchy. It was so tough because I felt so desperate

to get back into it.

"If you had asked me the day before that match:

'Could you play here?' I'd have said Yes. But just

because I wanted to do it, didn't make it the right

thing to do. It's hard. I'm not stupid. I'm

31, coming up to 32 on Christmas Day

and I've got to be realistic. Thirty-two is

no age to finish an international career.

"Of course I want to get back in the

side as soon as possible, because of the

timescale. But I mustn't start to worry

about it. I understand the big dilemma:

can the selectors take the risk of picking

me to go abroad on tour? Can they

invest in me after what has happened?

"Clearly, if I want to continue my

career I have to undertake another

tour. But for now, if and when I get

back to full fitness and I think I am OK

and ready to play, I'll make myself

available for England. If they don't pick

me, that is just tough.

"I'm not giving up hope. I have great

memories of my time playing for England,

of making hundreds, of winning

the Ashes. The feeling of being able to

perform in those situations is what

spurs me on to get back into it."

Chairman of selectors David

Graveney is at pains to stress that

Trescothick is still in England's

thoughts. He said: "The last thing we

would do is put any pressure on Marcus, he is still very much part of our

long-term planning but we will wait for

him to get in touch with us."

Any idea when they can expect a call?

"I'm not ready yet," said

Trescothick. "But I have

made strides since the

start of the season, I am

improving and I'm certain

I'm getting closer."

To appreciate the significance

of that assertion, it is necessary

to rewind to the moment

when he was in the depths of

his despair, slumped in tears

on the dressing-room floor at

the Sydney Cricket Ground, 10 days

before the first Ashes Test in Brisbane.

He was listening to — but not really

hearing — the medical advice that he

should fly home immediately.

At that time, the idea of playing

cricket for England again was not

only impossibly far-fetched, it

was also totally irrelevant. All

that concerned him was how

he was ever going to be free

from the sense of hopelessness

overwhelming him.

"I've dealt a lot with

what it was like for me

when things were at

their worst," said Trescothick. "You

cannot just dismiss it or pretend it

never happened because if you do and

somewhere along the line it comes

back to haunt you, you will not be

prepared to fight it.

"The scariest time was coming back

from India because I just didn't have a

clue what was going on. I couldn't

understand why I was feeling the way

I was. I was not able to deal with

anything. I was nervous and anxious

about everything and everybody. All of

a sudden everything caved in on me all

at once. I was so scared.

"I know now that people do understand

if you give them the chance to

understand by being honest. But at the

time I didn't want to talk about my illness

because not only was I frightened

of what I was experiencing, I was also

frightened of how other people would

react."

Hence the infamous television

interview in which he claimed he had

left India because of a "mystery virus".

"But then, after recovering enough to

go to Australia, the lowest point was

having to quit the tour, the realisation

of what I was actually doing. Two years

earlier we had won the Ashes and I

had had the best series of my career.

"Now I was sitting there thinking: 'I've

built myself up for this rematch, this

is what I play cricket for and I can't

do it'.

"It should have been one of the most

exciting, exhilarating occasions of my

career but not only was I unfit to play,

I was unfit to be anywhere near the

team. God, it was horrible.

"I believe the turning point for me was

when I finally came clean about my

problems. It wasn't easy, but being open and honest with the public was

the best thing I could have done and it

began the process of me being open

and honest with myself."

Judging by his current state of health

and form, the signs are encouraging.

Watching him take stick from his

county team-mates — "Andy Caddick

and me cop it left, right and centre, you

wouldn't believe how much" — and

looking at his figures this season (715

runs in 11 innings at 65 in four-day

cricket, with a highest score of 284

against Northants and 182 against

Leicestershire) it is clear Trescothick is

enjoying his cricket again.

"I have learned techniques to help me

cope with what has happened and to

make sure that if the problems come

back I know exactly how to deal with

them," he said. "There are certain

things, certain procedures, I'll probably

have to do for the rest of my life.

"It is not a question of saying 'I'm

cured' but at least I'm forewarned

now. And maybe, after going to hell

and back, I can help someone else

avoid the journey."