My 2012 Court Circular (with apologies Ma’am)

By QUENTIN LETTS, PARLIAMENTARY SKETCHWRITER
Updated: 16:01 EST, 30 December 2011

Buckingham Palace has long maintained an Order of Precedence based on ancient aristocratic rank. In the 21st century, plainly, this is out of date.

How ridiculous to have a system under which members of the landed gentry — the Dukes, Marquesses, Earls and Viscounts — are automatically judged somehow ‘senior’ to the modern-day barons of politics, the arts and popular entertainment.

Under the old system, a bishop of the Church of England comes before not only knights, judges and Privy Counsellors but also multi-millionaire bankers, Downing Street insiders and daytime telly presenters.

Cartoon by Gary: The real 2012 court Circular, reflecting modern Britain

How does the New Establishment really work? Who, as 2011 yields to 2012, are today’s top dogs? A few relics of the landed nobility still limp on, but how might a modernised list of rank look?

Should not the Order reflect the influence of those Euro-bullies and busybodies who are leading the Continent to disaster? What of the people who stoke our appetite for celebrity television and tearful contestants on reality shows?

In order ‘better to reflect modern Britain’, the following New Order of Precedence is, as the official jargon goes, being ‘put out to consultation’.

Modernisation doesn't stop Queen Elizabeth being top of the top dogs in the revised list

Her Majesty the Queen

HRH the Prince of Wales

The Prime Minister

Frau Angela Merkel

Whoever runs those American credit-rating agencies

You know you've made it when you have websites devoted to your derriere. Miss Pippa Middleton is most deserving of honors

Miss Pippa Middleton and her derriere

The chairman of the BBC, Lord ‘Pooh-bah’ Patten

Mr Simon Cowell

Downing Street guru Mr Steve Hilton

The Leader of the Internal Opposition, Nick Clegg

The chief executive of Tesco, Philip Clarke

Mr Jamie Oliver, diamond geezer

Sir Stelios Haji-Ioannou, cheap flights tycoon

The Home Secretary

The Lord Chief Justice, Judge Judge, so good they named him twice

The ubiquitous Mr Stephen Fry

Master Harry Potter

Miss Holly Willoughby, daytime TV cutie

Miss Yvette Cooper MP, probable next Labour Party leader

The First Ministers of Scotland and Wales

Dr David Starkey, such a model of tact

The Duke of Westminster, gloomy landowner

Mr Lenny Henry, thespian

The Chancellor of the Exchequer’s calculator

Leaders of the always quick-to-strike Aslef and RMT rail unions

Honored: Jamie Oliver who's quest to make us all eat better has even crossed the Atlantic Jamies American Food Revolution Yr 2 6078.jpg

Radio 4 and deb’s delight presenter Mr Evan Davies

Mr and (sometimes Mrs) Boris Johnson

Signor Fabio Capello, England football manager

Cross-dressing potter Miss Grayson Perry

Sebastian Coe, Olympic standard bore

Shopping Wallah Mary Portas

Sir Bruce Forsyth, still on the conveyor belt

Thigh-slapping Miss Sunshine herself, Miss Shami Chakrabarti of Liberty

Lord (Julian) Fellowes of Downton Abbey

Carson the Butler

Sir Geoffrey Boycott

Sir Boris Johnson?

Lord Justice Leveson (shouldn’t we stick him higher? — Ed.)

The Speaker’s wife

The Speaker, with high chair

Lady Thatcher

Lady Antonia Fraser, Prosecco Socialist

Mr Kevin Spacey, ac-TOR

Mr and Mrs Wayne Rooney

Guardian lovely Miss Polly Toynbee

Larry the Downing Street cat

Mr Huw Edwards, newsreader

Mr Huw Edwards’s make-up attendant and her trowel

The Archbishop of Canterbury and beard

Mr James Alexander Gordon, footy results announcer on Radio Five Live

Former Lib Dem leader Sir Ming Campbell and his snorter of a wife

The chap in charge of VIP tickets at Wimbledon

Mr Edward Miliband

Meanwhile, in other Royal news:

SANDRINGHAM, NORFOLK

The Physician to the Royal Household, Sir Hubert Suppositry M.D. arrived to conduct a medical examination of the convalescent Duke of Edinburgh. Sir Hubert left, sharpish, on hearing that HRH was waiting for him in his bedroom, armed with a blunderbuss, threatening to ‘perforate the backside of any quack who suggests taking me back to Papworth Hospital’.

'What's that? Hospital? Not ruddy likely!'

LUNCHEON

The Queen held a Boxing Day luncheon for 12 of the worst know-alls in British public life. It was attended by: limb-knotting cleversticks Dr Jonathan Miller, insistent smarty-boots Mr Edward Balls MP, told-you-so soccer pundit Mr Alan Hansen, one-man black hole Prof Stephen Hawking, head-wobbling historian Mr Simon Schama, Radio Five Live’s chatty Mr Richard Bacon, existentialist and public moralist Lady (Mary) Warnock, financial Jeremiah Miss Gillian Tett, eye-narrowing narcissus Lord (Paddy) Ashdown, atheist pulpiteer Prof Richard Dawkins, motorsport orgymeister Mr Max Mosley and bedroom-eyed chinstroker Sir Salman Rushdie. The luncheon was a buffet to avert any danger of footmen falling into catatonic sleep while pouring the gravy.

BUCKINGHAM PALACE

The Duke of York this morning conducted the official opening of a Jobcentre in the West Midlands. Sadly, despite the best efforts of staff, His Royal Highness was unable to find any vacancy consistent with his qualifications.

The Duke of Wessex combed his hair, sat at his desk, did some doodling and took a cold call from an Indian tele-sales agent, who after ten minutes explained that he had better get on with his work. At 5pm HRH clipped shut his (empty) briefcase and pottered down the corridor to his apartment to watch Newsround on BBC1.

ST JAMES’S PALACE

The Princess Royal was visited in her official apartments by her tailor and was fitted with a new chalkstripe suit. Later in the day she smoked a cigar.

RAF VALLEY, ANGLESEY

Prince William, Duke of Cambridge, conducted an air-sea rescue after emergency calls reporting a swimmer in difficulties off the North Wales coast.

'You mean I'm going to be late for my tea because of Chris Huhne? Kate will be furious, she's cooking lasagne from scratch...'

On closer inspection this turned out to be a police frogman diving for possible evidence in the Chris Huhne driving-licence investigation. The Duchess of Cambridge spent the day trying to bake a lasagne for her hubby’s supper. She ended up ‘resorting to a packet job from Waitrose’.

DIPLOMATIC NEWS

The Foreign Secretary received the French Ambassador. The Foreign Secretary shouted at His Excellency and His Excellency shouted right back. The meeting lasted two minutes.

In an attempt to revive the Entente Cordiale, Mr Charles Kennedy will lead a trade mission to the vineyards of Burgundy. That should raise a laugh in France, if nothing else.

Approval pending: Jeremy Clarkson's proposed position as 'ambassador at large' may hit a snag

Mr Jeremy Clarkson has been named as ‘ambassador at large’, a post which will allow his flair for diplomacy to be better displayed. His appointment may need to be approved by the House of Commons.

Representatives of the Eurozone countries will gather later this year at Lancaster House, Central London, for a day-long conference into the future of the single European currency. The Germans will pay, whatever happens.

DINNER

The Worshipful Company of Vegetarians held a low-cal Christmas dinner in central London. Guest of honour was the former tennis player Mr Ivan Lentil and a vote of thanks was proposed by the Arctic explorer Mr Knut LØf. Afterwards, a few members adjourned to the local fish and chip shop for ‘something more substantial’. Next year’s speaker will be Mr Hilary Benn. Don’t all rush.

APPOINTMENTS

Miss Ann Widdecombe has joined the cast of the Nutcracker Suite, Sadlers Wells; Miss Wendi Deng is to join the royal protection squad’s kung-fu detail; Miss Clare Balding has been invited to coach the England rugby XV; HRH Prince Harry to become a consultant to Bunga-Bunga Niteclubs of Milan (prop: S. Berlusconi).