Funny Money: Your best jokes

By STEVE MCDOWELL
Updated:

 

MONEY just isn't funny, said Steve McDowell in his Logging On column on August 18. Not so, said the readers and for the next two weeks a flurry of cash-related jokes was the result. Here is the editor's selection of the best (and most publishable).

The winning gag:

From Stuart Warner:

A man worked in a post office. His job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God.

He thought, 'I better open this one and see what it's all about.' So he opened it and it read:

'Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had a hundred pounds in it which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque.

'Next Sunday is Easter, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with.

'I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?'

The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few pounds.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.

Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

'Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

'Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

'By the way, there was £4 missing. It was no doubt those thieving b*****s at the post office.'

From James Wilson

Stockbroker walks into a dentist and asks for a quote for getting a tooth pulled out.

'Well,' said the dentist, 'That depends on the level of service. If you want to go private we can give you the very best and latest in dental treatment. We get an anaesthetist in from the local hospital, and I get two very skilled, and pretty, dental nurses to help out. Guaranteed no pain, no blood.'

'Sounds good,' said the man, 'how much?'

'£200 per tooth.'

'That's extortionate!'

'Well,' said the dentist, 'We can give you standard NHS treatment. I do the anaesthetic myself - no nurses. You get a little bit of pain and a little bit of blood, but it'll only cost you £20.'

'No, that's still too dear. Can you not do it a bit cheaper?'

'Tell you what,' said the dentist, getting angry, 'I could get a pair of pliers from B&Q and do a homer for you. No anaesthetic. Guaranteed very painful - lots of blood. Your mouth will hurt for three months and you'll struggle to talk for at least two. I'd do it for £5 and take pleasure in it.'

'OK, you got yourself a deal... book my wife in for next Tuesday.'

From Grace Higham

Old Jack had been a penny-pinching miser all his life, and made it clear to his family that he wanted to take his money with him when he died.

When he passed away he was laid out in the front parlour when his bank manager called to offer his condolences.

'I expected to see the coffin filled with his money as he requested,' he remarked.

'Oh yes, he can have it,' said his widow, and holding up a bank cheque, placed it gently between old Jack's icy fingers.

'As soon as he presents the cheque you can give him the money'.

From Paul Parkinson

A former Enron executive walked into the local unemployment office, marched straight up to the counter and said 'I'm in need of a job'.

The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur for his daughter.

'You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, uniform provided, because of the long hours of this job meals will also be provided and once a year you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holiday.

'The salary package is £200,000 a year.'

'You're joking!' said the ex-Enron man.

The man behind the counter said: 'Well you started it'.

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