How do relationships succeed?

By THIS IS MONEY
Updated: 12:28 EST, 6 July 2005

HOLLYWOOD golden couple Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes seem head over heels in love - but how can we tell when a relationship is destined to last?

Just like ordinary folk the glitzy pair may find that what seems like true romance can eventually turn sour. However, according to relationship expert Mark Griffiths there are ways to identify if a relationship will end up on the rocks or blossom into a lifelong union. And there are also steps you can take to help it last the test of time.

Griffiths, a psychologist at Nottingham Trent University, said: 'There are definite patterns to why some relationships last and others don't.

'First of all you obviously need to click with someone physically. We can probably all think of relationships where we loved the person's personality but the sexual chemistry ultimately wasn't really there.

'Friendship isn't enough to keep a relationship alive on its own. We can think of celebrities like Hugh Grant and Liz Hurley or Vic Reeves and his ex wife who remain great friends.

'But those couples seem to have realised that they just didn't have what it takes to stay together in a romantic relationship.'

Fancying the pants off someone isn't enough on its own either though. He explained: 'If all the relationship is based on is sex there's a chance that the novelty factor will wear off and that one partner might stray.'

Shared values

Physical relationships may work in the short or even medium term, but not in the long term. Said Griffiths: 'Having a set of shared values is the most important thing to keeping a couple together. This doesn't mean you have to agree all the time or even have that many interests in common. But it's important to analyse whether your core beliefs on subjects like religion and politics for example are shared.'

Katie Holmes is said to be studying Scientology before their wedding - which is obviously important to Tom Cruise.

And Griffiths added: 'If a couple like Katie and Tom share the same beliefs then they are more likely to stay together. Opposites don't often attract in the long term.'

Take failed Celebrity Love Island pair Paul Danan and Isabella Hervey. Coming from radically different social backgrounds, they probably think about the world in different ways.

'Sex gets less important for couples as they get older so the fact that they have shared values and things in common becomes even more important,' said Griffiths

Fundamental issues

But couples who have a strong physical attraction can go on ignoring fundamental issues for years before they finally come to a head. Having children is one of these issues, as it allegedly has been for former couple Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston.

Said Griffiths: 'The important thing for any relationship is to work out what you will or won't compromise on.'

Big age gaps tend not to work because people in different generations usually don't have enough in common: 'Of course we can all think of exceptions to this rule, like Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones for example, but they tend to actually be pretty rare.

'Age gaps can work but only where the couple has thought through the implications for the future and where their personalities really gel.'

A couple who seem to argue a lot might not necessarily be doomed either. Couples like Wayne Rooney and Colleen McLoughlin seem to have turbulent relationships, yet stay together.

'It depends what the arguments are about. If they are about fundamental issues then it could spell disaster,' Griffiths added.

Can you compromise?

Compromise is a key word here. Finding the right work/love balance for example is essential. Tom Cruise and and Nicole Kidman certainly blamed hectic work schedules for their split. And what about affairs? Posh and Becks, for instance, have been plagued by rumours of alleged affairs. According to Griffiths it all comes down to trust - an issue where there isn't much room for compromise.

'Couples who have compromised can last a long time. Think of Michael Caine and Shakira for example. She effectively scaled back her career, but they have one of the most secure marriages in showbiz. Once trust is gone you don't really have a relationship. If someone has an affair it has to be re-established if a couple is to survive, which is hard.'

There is no ultimate recipe for the perfect relationship. What works for some people doesn't work for others. But Griffiths said that to survive in the long term a relationship has to 'work on all levels'. And on all levels the key is to keep communicating to find out what both you and your partner really wants and feels.