How to have the perfect row
by JANE ALEXANDER, Daily Mail
Fantastic news for the perpetually belligerent: arguing can be very healthy in a relationship - but only if you argue properly.
We all have different ways of handling conflict - but can there really ever be such a thing as a good row?
Here's how to turn every potential catfight into a 'productive opportunity for discussion'.
Yes - according to Claire Gordon, author of Are You Smarter Than You Think? She says that if we take the time to learn more about the way we argue, letting off steam, throwing plates and having a ding-dong shouting match could actually help you both develop a stronger bond.
The test below, which comes from Gordon's book, is based on the work of Dr John Gottman, professor of psychology at the University of Washington, Seattle.
Dr Gottman has been studying what makes relationships work - and what doesn't - for 30 years, and he now believes he can predict with more than 90 per cent accuracy which couples will make it and which won't.
He says one of the key factors is a couple's particular 'conflict style' - the way they fight. Gottman identified three major types: avoidance, volatility and resolution.
Contrary to what you might think, it's not necessarily a good sign if you never argue. Couples who have the most ferocious rows can still enjoy a loving and lasting relationship - provided they know how to row, and how to make up afterwards.
For example, says Dr Gottman, if you're feeling hard-done-by, the worst thing you can do is ignore your partner's behaviour. 'The most successful couples are those who refuse to accept hurtful behaviour from one another. Happy couples expect high standards from each other, even as newlyweds.'
There are some surprises too. Remember the old adage 'Never go to bed on a row'? Not necessarily true, says Dr Gottman. 'Flooding' (a physiological phenomenon triggered by emotional conflict and arguments) apparently leaves your heart rate too high for you to clearly concentrate on the conversation you're having.
His research found that taking the time to calm down before finishing an argument is more likely to help you stay close and connected. So it may be to your benefit to continue the debate with cooler heads in the morning.
The good news is that, whatever your conflict style, there is plenty you can do to shift your arguments.
Here, we present top tips for productive arguments
