BEL MOONEY: The Bank of Dad has closed, so my son has blocked me
Dear Bel,
I have loved and supported my son for all of his 33 years but his financial demands put an intolerable strain on our relationship.
His mother and I divorced fairly amicably about 16 years ago but have remained in touch regarding my son and daughter (then aged 14) who both went to live with her, although I had them every weekend and for holidays.
My son is very intelligent but has relationship and anger issues. At 18, after a row with his mother, he returned to live with me. I supported him when he needed psychiatric help for depression, paid for a computer programming course to help him find work and bought him a car, although he gave up when he couldn’t pass the theory test.
My partner and I helped him find a rental flat in a nearby town and paid the deposit. We’ve frequently invited him for lunches etc and I’ve taken him away for occasional weekends without asking him to contribute.
He often asked me to help out financially with utilities or rent and I obliged. Mind you, he could afford to pay for trips abroad to meet his online friends.
He’s had several office jobs and appeared to be doing ok until dismissed in August 2023 after failing a probation period. He’s been unemployed on benefits ever since. Now a GP has diagnosed depression and ADHD.
How long we should continue to support our children is an issue that has appeared in this column before
Due to NHS waiting lists I agreed to pay for a private psychiatrist along with medication. Last year I gave around £2,000 for this treatment but stressed I couldn’t go on supporting him and said he needed to budget better, stop ordering takeaways and get another job, even a part-time one to get back into the workplace.
He won’t even clean his flat and would rather spend all his time online. When he asked again for more money last September I politely refused, although his mother has also been helping him occasionally. He said his mother and I are the cause of all his problems and (using expletives) told me to go away. Then blocked me. No contact since.
I very seldom get birthday or Christmas greetings as he is so self-centred. He needs to take responsibility for his own life and not carry on relying on others to bail him out.
I don’t feel I’ve done anything wrong and need some reassurance from you that I can step back without any guilt and get on with my own life.
THOMAS
Bel Mooney replies: How long we should continue to support our children is an issue that has appeared in this column before, but the fact that it seems to be a relatively common problem is a very good reason for returning to it now.
Again and again I hear from parents who have become thoroughly sick of freeloading adult children who seem to view them as perambulating pound (or euro, or dollar!) signs, instead of as human beings with feelings.
To jump towards the end of your email, it’s interesting and perhaps predictable that at the last showdown your son blamed you and your ex-wife for all his problems.
It sounds another example of petulant, entitled self-indulgence; on the other hand, your split came at what is a very bad time for children.
Your son was 17 and your daughter 14, and some of the worst long-term problems with the offspring of divorced parents I’ve seen have originated in those very teenage years.
Little children quickly become used to situations if they are managed well, but teenagers going through so many hang-ups and insecurities and school stress can be damaged for life.
Let nobody harbour any delusion that divorce is easy-peasy for older children. It’s not.
Anyway, if it was you (say) who had an affair and if that period was fraught with conflict (I’m reading this into that cagey phrase ‘fairly easy’) this young man’s anger issues could well be traced back to a time when his only stability crumbled.
Having said that, doesn’t there come a time when our offspring have to stop blaming us for what happened in the past, and realise they have to stand tall and accept responsibility for their very own lives? Yes! I am absolutely with you on that point.
The trouble is, dishing out money as you have done (and many of us might recognise the habit) doesn’t help a young person learn how to manage.
We can say we’re generous because we love them, but the underlying motive can be rooted in helplessness and guilt.
Becoming ‘the bank of Mum and/or Dad’ is very useful for adult children who don’t bother to budget, but it’s also kicking any underlying problems down the road.
But you paid for him to have therapy, so you did try.
Anyway, here you are, blocked by the 33-year-old we might call vulnerable, selfish, lazy, spoilt, rude, troubled, arrogant – because for once Daddy said ‘No.’
Or we’ll hold back on such abuse because it rarely does any good, and just agree that you are quite entitled to ‘step back without any guilt and get on with your own life’.
It’s surely true – so if you want affirmation here, you have it.
How long can a person continue trying to save someone else from their own demons?
The trouble is, this man remains your son, for better for worse – so maybe keep the door on the latch, not locked.
I’ve never been to my partner’s home
Dear Bel,
I am 58, divorced with two grown-up children who live with me, while my Syrian partner of nine years is a lot younger.
He has met my family, my friends and my kids but I have never met anyone he knows. I don’t even know where he lives – after nine years!
He works seasonally so has a lot of free time. He lives with two other men who his family (who live overseas) know. He regards them as uncles. They are strict Muslims.
I’ve asked if I can see where he lives – not even go into the house, just know the area or street. But he tells me I will never know where he lives. He has told me he never wanted to get married or have kids within his religion, even though his uncle has introduced him to several potential brides over the years.
I had no knowledge of this until recently and we argue about it all the time. More than once I have begged him to leave me so we can both get on with our lives.
I know he will leave eventually, even though he says how much he loves me and claims he can’t live without me.
I know I should end the relationship but he keeps contacting me at home and work so that I relent. Please give me your advice.
VALERIE
Bel Mooney replies: As soon as I read this email inevitable warning bells clanged in my head.
And with good reason. It is hard, even impossible, to see how this relationship can possibly make you happy in the long term; even now it is clearly a source of great frustration and unhappiness.
I echo your use of the word ‘relationship,’ but is there any of the mutual trust and reciprocal sharing essential to any mature partnership? It doesn’t sound like it. So I would hardly call this man your ‘partner’; he is a boyfriend who calls the shots and keeps you at an unacceptable distance from his life, for all his professions of love when you try to show some independence.
Your boyfriend is from a very different culture and clearly quite happy to live in a masculine household where the obvious agenda of his ‘uncles’ is that he should marry a suitable Muslim bride.
There’s no doubt their views must accord with those of his parents and wider family who live elsewhere – and to be brutally frank, I would be absolutely astonished if he continues to resist this pressure.
But think about it: he can give those uncles tacit permission to scout out a young bride for him in time, while still having sex (and who knows what other perks?) with his much older lady. Not much for him to complain about there! It’s astonishing that after nine years you don’t even know which area he lives in.
Any woman would find the secrecy, the lack of trust, intolerable. Since it must be based on a conviction that the ‘uncles’ would disapprove of him seeing an older, non-Muslim woman, and a concern that you will turn up on the doorstep and embarrass him, it’s very hard to know why you continue with this entanglement.
You don’t claim to love this man, yet you are clearly in thrall – and that’s unhealthy. There is zero dignity in pathetically ‘begging’ a man to leave you so you can both be freed from a compulsion (based on sex?) that is leading nowhere. There is no dignity in your being unable to resist when he badgers you to continue the unequal liaison.
Does that sound harsh? If so, it’s because I’m concerned about the hold he seems to have over you. What do your family and friends think? Have you told them he refuses to tell you where he lives?
In my considered opinion you are wasting these good years of your life on a young man who does not treat you with respect or make you happy in any meaningful way.
You know this is the right thing to do – so please delete his number from your phone and, for your own sake, show some strength and end the doomed liaison.
