The eight signs your child may have developed a drinking problem at university: A psychotherapist explains what should make you worry
You’ve bought new bedding, suggested cookbooks and cleared out the car boot for the contents of their room, but if you’re sending your child to university for the first time this month, one worrying question is likely to remain: How will you know if they’re drinking too much?
For all the hype surrounding Gen Z’s sobriety, freshers’ week is still synonymous with booze and research suggests university students are more likely to binge drink than their peers. A 2022 study by student led charity SOS-UK found 81 per cent of respondents described drinking and getting drunk as a part of university culture, with 51 per cent believing getting drunk would ensure a good night out.
Not only that, but alcohol can compound students’ anxiety at being away from home. ‘Young people might drink to feel involved and motivated, but then feel horrible because of the alcohol and end up stuck in their room, and the fear that they’d be lonely becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy,’ explains family psychotherapist Fiona Yassin. ‘It can become a bigger problem quite quickly.’
But spotting when inevitable experimentation is slipping into dependence is difficult from a distance. Here are eight secret signs your student teen might have a drinking problem – and what you can do to help.
Teen and family psychotherapist Fiona Yassin has advice for worried parents
They’ve stopped wearing clothes they love
A new look is par for the course for a first-year student asserting independence. A dramatic shift in attitude towards their appearance is not, and a teen who’s always taken pride in putting an outfit together but starts looking scruffy over successive Facetime calls can be cause for alarm, as can greasy hair, bloated skin and spots.
‘Looking dishevelled is a sign,’ says Yassin, because when drinking too much ‘self-care goes haywire. They might have red eyes or bags under their eyes’. Alcohol-related injuries might accumulate, she adds: ‘You might notice a few bumps and bruises when they come home.’
Their weight has changed
Weight loss, from prioritising booze over food, or gain, from post-binge takeouts, may occur – but any changes in appearance should be approached with ‘empathy and curiosity, avoiding anything which may seem accusatory as this may lead to conflict’, says child and educational psychologist Dr Sally Eccleston. ‘For example, ask if they need more ideas for cooking at university. Aim to be open and helpful.’
Concerns are best broached in-person rather than on Facetime she says, ‘because of the lack of intimacy. It’s easier for a young person to become defensive and more difficult to repair a relationship if the conversation doesn’t go well’.
They’re suddenly attached to their water bottle
You might roll your eyes at the bucket of empty beer bottles awaiting recycling outside their digs, but overt displays of drinking aren’t a red flag in themselves. Instead, when visiting, look for bottles of high ABV (alcohol by volume) drinks such as absinthe, which provide ‘insight into the psychology behind their drinking’, says Yassin, and are a sure sign ‘the intention is to get drunk as quickly as possible, rather than drink to socialise’.
Secrecy can kick in. ‘Water bottles are a firm favourite for hiding alcohol,’ says Yassin. Back home, they might stash supplies under their bed or even in shampoo bottles. If you are worried, don’t feel bad about snooping, she adds: ‘If you feel your child has a problem, you need to know what’s going on.’
If your fears are justified, asserting authority is essential. ‘You could say something like, “In this family our values are that it’s not okay to be dishonest or secretive”.’
Yet punishment rarely works, Yassin says, and a ‘collaborative’ approach that validates their feelings is needed. ‘Ask, “How can we get the help you need? What changes need to happen?” They might say they’re lonely.’ In that case, at least, you have an underlying problem to address.
They’ve spent all their money by the end of September
If they’ve ploughed through their allowance in a fortnight, there’s a possibility the money’s going on booze – outside student bars the average cost of a pint of beer is £4.70; a cocktail nearer £10.
Stopping funds is neither feasible – they still need to eat, after all – nor likely to curb problematic alcohol consumption, she says. ‘We see kids who drink mouthwash or hand sanitiser because of its alcohol content once they’ve run out of alcohol.’
Starting university can pressure young people into feeling they have to drink
Instead, she suggests ‘leveraging’ the power you have as holder of the purse strings. ‘Supermarket vouchers might be more helpful than money in their current account, for example,’ she says, while adding them to a family account on a taxi service provider such as Uber will finance safe travel and give you the added advantage of knowing their social routine.
‘It gives you visibility without being nosy. If you see they get back at 4am you might say, “It looks like you had a late night” – not dismissing what happened but not sounding persecutory. You’re caretaking, not policing.’
Present suggestions for a budget ‘as a way of helping them stay financially solvent all year’, Yassin adds, and you’ll get a better response than a recriminatory ‘you blew your whole term’s money down your throat in Freshers’ Week’.
They’re ploughing through friendship groups
Friendships are bound to be fluid at the start of university, but referencing a different social circle every week could reflect a turbulent relationship with alcohol. ‘Losing friends or getting through friends quickly is a sign things aren’t quite right,’ says Yassin, who stresses that anxiety over making friends is a ‘massive’ concern for new students, who drink to alleviate inhibitions.
Remind them ‘adulthood does not need to start with a glass in your hand’ and that friendships born from drinking are ‘not authentic – it might feel like it, but alcohol is in the middle of the connection.’ Instead persuade them to form bonds away from the bar. ‘Could they rely on an earlier hobby – netball or running, say – to connect with new people?’
Remind them that, whatever else, you are a constant, says parenting consultant Roma Norriss (romanorriss.com). ‘Ask who their three closest new friends are and suggest they come home with your teen to stay. Send them a gif that will make them laugh. If they’re feeling insecure and out of balance, it will be connection and strong relationships that bring them back.’
Unless they are physically addicted, don’t insist they stop drinking altogether. ‘It’s not about being zero tolerance – it’s about supporting their awareness of the impacts of alcohol,’ says Dr Eccleston. ‘Are they aware a few nights’ drinking in a row might make them feel anxious?’
They don’t turn up to their gran’s birthday party
Problematic drinking can make your teen ‘more irritable or agitated’, says Dr Eccleston, and indeed symptoms may ‘might look like depression’, adds Fiona Yassin.
‘They might not answer their phone, come home for Sunday lunch when agreed or to their granny’s 80th birthday party. They lose their reliability and aren’t the person you packed off.’
Conversations can also seem slower, she says, because ‘they’re taking longer to process and have poor concentration’.
They shove their little brother
Fiona Yassin says that whereas girls drinking a lot are more likely to become secretive, boys may become either verbally or physically aggressive, citing examples such as ‘being mean to their mum on a call, pushing or shoving a brother and snatching things’. And, she warns, ‘sometimes, at an age they’re expected to turn into strong men, we can miss the problem’.
Don’t take a sulky teen personally, adds Norriss: ‘Let their spikiness be like water off a duck’s back. It’s an accumulation of upset. The more they can pour their narky thoughts and feelings out to you the more they can recover.’
Even if they have upset you, try to avoid blaming and shaming. ‘Say, “I am feeling...” not “you did...” ’ explains Yassin.
They post more selfies
The odd social media post of your teen looking the worse for wear isn’t necessarily a cry for help, says Dr Eccleston. More important to watch out for are pictures that show your teen’s drinking is making them behave differently – they’re posing with someone ‘significantly older’, for example, ‘who could present a safeguarding concern’.
An atypical deluge of selfies can be another sign, says Roma Norriss, with online attempts ‘to prove status or sexual attractiveness as much of an indicator that all is not OK as a drunken picture’.
Elsewhere online it can be tempting to track your teen’s whereabouts via Find my Friends on their iPhone, but while it can be a ‘useful compromise’ Norriss warns that offspring who assumed they had your trust and have a right to assert their independence might find it ‘an imposition. Some 18-year-olds might feel overly controlled’.
Besides, they are just as likely to be boozing in halls, making communication and kindness more critical than surveillance in keeping their drinking habits in check. ‘Don’t try to reason or negotiate,’ says Norriss. ‘They’re more likely to respond if you’re warm and receptive.’
