Your problems answered
Did my cousin abuse me as a child?
When I was a child, my aunt (my mother’s sister) was cruel to me. She beat me, was emotionally abusive and told me that my parents hated me. My parents have since cut all ties with her. I am now in my 20s and due to marry a wonderful man later this year, but recently I have been remembering something and I don’t know whether it’s true, or if it could be a side effect of the drugs I’m taking for terrible PMS and migraines. When I was about eight my aunt’s daughter and I would spend every Friday night with our grandfather. We slept in a double bed and I think she used to touch me and make me perform sexual acts on her. She was at secondary school at the time. I don’t feel I can tell Mum and Dad, and I don’t want to spoil things in the run-up to the wedding – how do I deal with this?
The way you were treated by your aunt was appalling. I’m not a doctor so I don’t know what part, if any, the drugs play in your flashbacks, but you can’t rule out the possibility that these recollections could well be true. Often when memories are painful we block them out subconsciously. Maybe your aunt was also abusive to her daughter, and your cousin was so damaged that she abused you. Remember it was not your fault. I am sorry you can’t tell your parents, but please get professional help – you could contact the British Psychological Society (tel: 0116 254 9568, bps.org.uk) for private counselling. You could also talk to the National Association for People Abused in Childhood (tel: 0800 085 3330, napac.org.uk).
My wife won’t stop putting me down
For some time now, my wife has been telling me that I am useless and stupid. When I tell her how hurtful this is, she says that the truth often hurts and if I don’t like the way she speaks to me, tough luck. If I go near her she calls me weird. We have been married for 17 years and we have a small child. I feel totally worthless – try as I might I can’t do anything to please her. She refuses to go to counselling.
No one should ever tell anyone else they are useless and stupid, and you seem (from your longer letter) like a really nice guy. Sadly it sounds as if your wife no longer loves you or even likes you, and the whole relationship has become self-destructive. I imagine that she is unhappy as well. Tell her you don’t want the marriage to end, but that you can’t continue like this. Ask her to explain why she is so disappointed with the marriage and angry with you, and make it clear that you would like to resolve this together. But if she rejects any possibility of change, and continues to be so abusive while refusing to go to counselling, then go on your own (try Relate, tel: 0300 100 1234, relate.org.uk). If you and your wife do separate, you can still both be loving and involved parents to your child.
Why have my periods stopped?
I came off the pill about a year ago and since then I have not had a period. I am a healthy weight, and I exercise for an hour a day. My partner and I have been together for 18 months. We are not using contraception and I have not become pregnant, which is fine for now as we are not ready to have children, but I am worried that something is wrong. I haven’t seen my GP as I am worried about the outcome – I would be so upset if I could not give my partner a child.
You must go to see your GP – there are a number of different reasons why your periods could have stopped and seeing a doctor would give you a chance to sort them out. Unusual amounts of stress can cause periods to cease. Even worrying about your lack of periods could be the cause! Very vigorous exercise, a bad diet or being underweight are also possible reasons, as are thyroid problems or a hormonal imbalance. Once your periods return, hopefully so should your fertility. But as you are not ready to have children yet, you really must use contraception for now.
I’m worried that he's using me
I am 15 and I have been texting and flirting with a boy I really like. I have known him for years. He has said things that suggest he might like me too. He also said, ‘I want to get off with you.’ I’m worried that he thinks I’m just easy to get to do stuff he wants, and that he is using me. I nearly sent him a picture of my boobs on my phone. I have done things with other boys even though I have never gone out with them. I already have a boyfriend who I don’t fancy at all. I want to dump him but I don’t want to lose his friendship.
You are well on the way to getting a bad reputation if you go on messing around with boys you are not even dating. Please have more respect for yourself – if you don’t, you encourage others not to respect you either. If this boy was really interested in you then he could ask you out, but I suspect that your gut feeling is right. Don’t ever be tempted to send pictures of your breasts – just imagine if he forwarded them on to his mates! You need to end things with your current boyfriend. If you do it kindly, you might still be able to stay friends.
