Your problems answered
His ex-wife won’t let him see the children
My son split up with his wife last year and since then she has been really nasty and keeps refusing contact with his three sons. She told lies about him, stole his car and her father attacked me.
My son eventually managed to establish contact with the children through a solicitor, but when he started seeing another woman, his wife forbade access to the children again and told them not to talk to their father or us. Now they are so scared they run away when they see us.
She sprayed an obscene word on his car, and sent 103 threatening texts. My son is heading for a nervous breakdown and he has decided that he can no longer fight her for access to the children. His solicitor said it could take a year to sort this out.
I know he has only made this decision because he is feeling so wretched. It’s breaking my heart. How can I help?
If a father gives up contact with his children, they can feel that he doesn’t love them, even though this is not true. If your son gives up access now, apart from him missing out on their childhoods, when they grow up they might be so influenced by their mother’s anger that they might refuse to see him.
This is sadly a familiar situation but there is an excellent organisation that could help you and your son. Families Need Fathers (tel: 0870 760 7496) helps fathers whose relationships with their children are under threat.
More than one million grandparents are denied contact with their grandchildren. It sounds as if this is happening to you, so ring the Grandparents’ Association helpline on 0845 434 9585.
Why should we keep our relationship a secret?
A year ago a man I had liked for three years said that he had loved me all along but he wanted to keep our relationship a secret. He says this is because he is a good tennis player and fears that his coach will think he is not taking his sport seriously if he has a girlfriend.
Since we have been together he has broken up with me three times to be with other girls. I have always taken him back because I love him.
My friends think he is rude and arrogant.
He says he loves me, so why won’t he make our relationship exclusive?
Lewis Hamilton, David Beckham and Andy Murray all have wives or girlfriends. Your boyfriend’s reason for insisting that you keep your relationship a secret doesn’t ring true.
Because you love him so much, you accept his demands for secrecy and his philandering. The reason he wants to keep you a secret is so that he can play around to his heart’s content and other girls think he is a free agent.
If he wants this relationship it should be exclusive and out in the open. I fear he won’t agree to that. Don’t accept less.
My husband is turning into a couch potato
Last year my husband and I retired, sold our large house and moved to a seaside apartment. We are in our late 50s and the idea was that we would have more money and be free to travel. Instead he just watches TV all day, often not even bothering to get up or get dressed.
We were thinking of buying a holiday home abroad and maybe moving there permanently, but I don’t want to do this if all he wants to do is watch TV. I could happily throw a brick through it.
I can understand your frustration, but the heart of the matter is that your husband is depressed.
Retirement can hit men hard. They get much of their identity and self-esteem from their jobs, so when that comes to an end they often lose their sense of purpose. He could also be missing the contact with his colleagues. There could also be the loss of the social life you had together.
Encourage him to see his GP about his depression. Talk about the future and what you would both like, which could include moving back to where your friends and family are or enjoying life here and abroad.
Making love is a painful experience
I am 23 and when I had sex with my first boyfriend six months ago I felt no pleasure, just a lot of pain. With my current boyfriend I become aroused but penetration can be painful. I have never climaxed during intercourse. Is there anything wrong with me?
More than 50 per cent of women do not climax during sexual intercourse – it
is not surprising that you don’t, as sex is painful for you. There are lots of
good vaginal moisturisers, such as Replens and Zestra, which are available
at chemists.
Some women become aroused quickly; others take longer. Foreplay is important so that you are really aroused before penetration. But first explore other ways of pleasing each other and becoming orgasmic.
What a woman needs to climax may not always be what the man thinks she needs. So show him what you enjoy, and when you do have intercourse, choose positions where the clitoris can be stimulated.
Read The New Joy of Sex by Alex Comfort and Susan Quilliam (Mitchell Beazley, £18.99; available from you-bookshop.co.uk, tel: 0845 155 0711).
- Phone Zelda or one of her experienced counsellors for a personal response to your relationship, sexual or family problems. Her hotline is open every Monday between 11am and 3pm on 020 7938 7577. Or e-mail z.west-meads@ you.co.uk
