Are YOU a victim of self-sabotage? Psychologist reveals why so many of us make plans with the best intentions... then give up
Do you keep telling yourself you'll start properly on Monday – the gym, the healthy eating, the early nights – only to spend the whole week 'getting ready' to begin?
Or do you convince yourself you're simply 'winding down' with a quick scroll in bed… before you know it it's 1am, your eyes are stinging, your brain is buzzing, and tomorrow is already ruined?
Or maybe it's the classic promise of 'just one' – one drink, one takeaway, one episode – that somehow turns into a late-night spiral, followed by the familiar self-loathing and the vow to be good again tomorrow.
And when it comes to relationships, do you find yourself pulling away the moment something actually feels safe – over-analysing a text, replaying conversations in your head, and hunting for signs it's about to go wrong… even when your friends are telling you they're lovely?
If this sounds like you, you may be self-sabotaging – slipping into behaviours, often subconsciously, that quietly derail plans and goals you genuinely meant to follow through on.
Self-sabotage isn't a medical diagnosis in itself – it's a catch-all term for patterns of behaviour that get in the way of our goals, often without us realising it.
But experts say it can sometimes be linked to underlying issues such as anxiety, depression or ADHD – particularly when it becomes persistent and starts affecting everyday life.
And, according to psychologist Prof Chris Armitage, from the University of Manchester,and spokesperson for Co-op, it's far from uncommon.
From habit stacking to focusing on input instead of outcomes, a psychologist shared his tips to stop self-sabotaging
Rather than simple laziness or a lack of willpower, Prof Armitage says self-sabotaging behaviour can run deeper, rooted in the brain's instinct to protect us from perceived threats – such as the fear of being seen to try and fail.
The result is a vicious cycle: behaviours that feel sensible, even helpful, in the moment – putting things off, lowering the bar, avoiding anything uncomfortable – which can end up keeping us stuck.
Understanding why it happens, Prof Armitage says, is the first step to breaking it.
First, it's important to understand why we never get round to doing things we actually want to do – whether that's catching up with friends, replying to messages, going to the gym or booking a holiday.
'People often quite valued activities not because of a lack of desire, but because intention alone is a weak predictor of behaviour,' the psychologist explained.
'Decades of research on the intention-behaviour gap shows that even strong intentions fail when individuals encounter competing demands, emotional discomfort, fatigue or environmental barriers.
'In many cases, quitting reflects a failure of self-regulatory capacity, not motivation. When actions require sustained effort, people default to behaviours that are more immediately rewards or less cognitively demanding.'
So, Prof Armitage suggests, next time you're struggling to find the motivation to complete a task – like going to the gym – recentre yourself and ask why you set this goal in the first place.
Breaking down your goal into micro -goals and identifying what is most important to you can help you overcome self-sabotaging patterns
Yes, going to the gym may have something to do with impressing those around you and external validation, but you can still take pride in being in control of your own health, Prof Armitage says.
And nurturing this sense of purpose and personal investment is crucial when it comes to overcoming self-sabotaging patterns.
'This is because early stages of behaviour changes are effortful and rely heavily on conscious self-control,' he explained.
Breaking down your goal into micro-goals and identifying what is most important to you can help you overcome self-sabotaging patterns.
'As cognitive and emotional resources deplete – often later in the day – people become more sensitive to discomfort and more likely to abandon the behaviour.
'This phenomenon aligns with research on ego depletion and affective forecasting errors, where people underestimate how unpleasant sustained effort will feel.'
To overcome this, Prof Armitage recommends action planning – specifying when, where and how a goal will be completed – to help encourage habit formation.
And if a task feels overwhelming, breaking it into smaller steps can make it feel more manageable and help you get over the hump of starting.
Then, Prof Armitage says it's imperative to recognise and internalise the consequences of delaying – and the positives to being proactive and doing the task at hand.
This is known as implementation intentions: 'If X happens, then I will do Y'. For example, booking flights will allow you to actually go on holiday, spend time with your friends and relax.
Reframing how you think about your goals can also be really helpful, he said. Rather than thinking 'I would like to be someone who eats heathilty,' try telling yourself, 'I am someone who makes healthy choices.'
This helps keep you accountable, increasing the likelihood of actually meeting goals. People tend to overweight the present and discount the future, so reframing goals as actualities can make them easier to achieve.
'These techniques work by shifting control from deliberation to cues, thereby protecting behaviour during moments of low motivation.
'Whilst there is no single trick to help you stick to goals, evidence consistently supports implements intentions as one of the most effective techniques.
'They help individuals pre-commit responses to predictable barriers. Additionally, reframing goals in terms of identity – like 'I am someone who exercises' – rather than outcomes increases persistence, as behaviours aligned with identity require less ongoing justification,' Prof Armitage explained.
But, he added, self-sabotage isn't always a bad thing – if it means you're still completing other valued tasks.
'This is known as productive avoidance, where people substitute one valued activity for another to avoid discomfort or uncertainty,' he said.
'While this may look adaptive, it can still function as self-sabotage if it displaces priority goals.'
For example, you may end up cleaning your house instead of doing your tax return. Filing your tax return may be more pressing, but you essentially manage to avoid it with the illusion that you're doing something just as important.
But in reality, you are still procrastinating and delaying the inevitable.
One way round this is to make a list, with your priority task at the top, so you don't end up doing all your less pressing tasks first under the guise of productivity.
'However, 'upward sabotage' is still less damaging than avoidance through passive behaviours, such as doom scrolling, as it preserves self-efficacy and behavioral momentum.
'The key distinction is whether the alternative behaviour is strategically chosen or emotionally evasive.'
