How Jobcentres have turned into a Circus of Horrors

By RICHARD LITTLEJOHN
Updated: 18:14 EST, 25 October 2011

All you need to know about the state of the economy is the news that dozens of people in Blackpool have applied to be a knife-thrower’s assistant.

Within hours of the vacancy being posted on the Jobcentre Plus website, applications from hopefuls were  flooding in.

You might assume that because the job is with the Circus of Horrors, semi-finalists on Britain’s Got Talent, they are all simply desperate to get into showbusiness.

Applicants for this glamorous position should be 'courageous, confident and not suffering from aichmophobia, a fear of sharp objects'

These days, everyone wants to ‘live the dream’. But there must be easier ways to break into the big time.

Applicants for this glamorous position should be ‘courageous, confident and not suffering from aichmophobia, a fear of sharp objects’. You should also have a good life insurance policy.

Dr Haze, the ringmaster, said: ‘We need someone to stand on a board and have ten knives thrown around them. What makes it worse is that the knives are on fire. I don’t like doing it, it is pretty scary. The knives come at you at about 30mph.’

I’m surprised elf’n’safety haven’t got round to banning knife-throwing. At the very least, you’d expect them to insist that the knife-thrower’s assistant wears one of those over-sized Kevlar safety suits, like the bomb disposal squad in The Hurt Locker.

You wouldn't catch me volunteering to stand in front of Marvo the Magnificent and let him hurl flaming knives in my direction

Even so, you still wouldn’t catch me volunteering to stand in front of Marvo the Magnificent and let him hurl flaming knives in my direction. Especially if he’d just stumbled out of Yates’s Wine Lodge.

That dozens of people are  prepared to put themselves in harm’s way for a modest wage illustrates the lengths to which some will go to find work.

Not all of those who have applied to join the Circus of Horrors can necessarily be motivated by the lure of the greasepaint. Could the enthusiastic response to the advert have more to do with the fact that unemployment in Blackpool is currently running at just under 25 per cent?

You might assume that because the job is with the Circus of Horrors, semi-finalists on Britain's Got Talent, they are all simply desperate to get into showbusiness

Now the summer season is over, that figure is destined to rise still further. There simply aren’t enough jobs to go round.

We hear an awful lot about those who can’t, or won’t work, and  are content to spend their lives on benefits. There are legions of layabouts who think the world owes them a living and have no intention of getting a job.

But we hear less about the tens of thousands of good people who are actively, frantically engaged in a fruitless, soul-destroying search for gainful employment.

Many have applied for hundreds of jobs, only to see those which are available filled by cheap foreign labour.

Some people will take anything, even if they are over-qualified, rather than waste their lives away on welfare.

That, I’m assuming, is why dozens of people in Blackpool are queueing round the block for a job as a knife-thrower’s assistant.

They can’t all be Polish.

Villagers in Essex have been threatened with prosecution unless they take down banners protesting against a plan for a new housing estate.

Developers want to build  300 new homes next to a conservation area at St Osyth, near Clacton-on-Sea.

The local council has told residents that if they don’t remove the banners from windows, barns and gates they could face fines of £2,500 for breaking planning law — in the very conservation area they are trying to protect.

Meanwhile, anti-just-about-everything protesters are able to occupy parts of central London, causing the closure of St Paul’s Cathedral, without any fear of prosecution. St Paul’s is in a conservation area, too. Shouldn’t they have had to apply for planning permission before setting up their tent city?

What was that about one law for one group . . ?

Look, it's Scotch Harry M'Lord!

Has Julian Fellowes handed over the scripts of Downton Abbey to the Monty Python team? I couldn’t stop laughing at the sudden reappearance of Patrick Crawley, heir to the estate, who is supposed to have gone down on the Titanic.

He was so heavily, and hilariously, bandaged for dramatic effect, he looked like a cross between Michael Palin in A Fish Called Wanda and Scotch Harry, from Minder, who landed in hospital after a botched safe-blowing, done up like the Invisible Man.

I was half expecting Cheerful Charlie Chisholm to wander into Downton, take one look at him and declare: ‘I know those eyes . . .’

It's harvest festival time again. Churches, schools and village halls across the country  will groan with local produce. Services of thanksgiving will be held as part of a tradition which goes back to Pagan times.

Many of us have childhood memories of trestle tables laden with fruit and vegetables from gardens and allotments.

In the cities, those who couldn’t grow anything would bring along fresh food bought from greengrocer’s and supermarkets.

Have elf'n'safety now cancelled the traditional Harvest Festival?

But in West Sussex,  parents of pupils at the Summerlea Community Primary School, in Rustington, have been told by the Homelink charity for the homeless: ‘Due to health and safety regulations — no fresh produce please.’ Only non-perish-able, tinned and dry goods will be accepted.

Even the Health  and Safety Executive is baffled, saying the law is designed to protect people from risks to life and limb, not check whether a fruit basket is fresh.

Maybe someone at the charity has seen the 1978 B-movie Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes and decided: better safe than sorry.

Four-legged lager lout . . .

A boy of ten could be scarred for life after being mauled by a drunken Staffordshire bull terrier called Diesel.

The dog swallowed a can of  Stella Artois given to him by Paul Ashworth, his owner’s uncle.

Ashworth thought Diesel was thirsty after coming back from a walk, during which he’d had a fight with another dog. So he lifted his head and tipped the beer into his mouth.

Diesel then attacked ten-year-old Joe Pickering, who was leaning over the garden face, and bit his face. The boy needed a skin graft and still has nightmares.

Incredibly, no criminal charges were brought because the  incident happened on private property.

A court in Burnley decided not to order Diesel to be put down after hearing evidence that he was usually ‘good-natured’ — except in drink.

An animal behavioural expert said that, just like humans, dogs can get violent after drinking alcohol in the sun.

But what kind of imbecile makes a fighting dog drink extra-strength lager? That’s as reckless as firing a  shotgun over the fence. Diesel bit the boy, but Ashworth pulled the trigger.

A bull terrier drinking Stella. What a wonderful metaphor for modern Britain.

I’ll stick  to the cow pie, Macca

Sir Paul McCartney is launching his first cookbook, aimed at persuading us all to eat less meat.

More than 40,000 copies are going on sale in Britain and it is expected to rival Jamie Oliver’s latest offering in the Christmas best-sellers list.

The book contains 240 pages of mouth-watering recipes, including ‘lentil stew with pan-fried  halloumi and pomegranate’.

Yum, yum.

The ex-Beatle was converted to a meat-free diet by his late wife Linda. She even brought out a range of vegetarian pet food.

Sir Paul McCartney's new book is aimed at persuading us all to eat less meat

At the time, I was presenting  a late-night show on London Weekend Television and we decided to put Linda’s latest product to the test.

Two bowls were prepared, one containing Linda’s veggie dog food, the other a Fray Bentos oven-ready steak and kidney pie.

We then wheeled on a hungry dog to see which he would prefer.

Fido took one sniff of the  vegetarian option and turned up his snout in disgust, resisting  all encouragement to actually taste it.

Then we offered him the steak and kidney pie, which he immediately set about with gusto and demolished in about 30 seconds.

I wish Sir Paul well with his book, but it won’t be on my Christmas list. I prefer my food to have had a central nervous system.

Nor will I be buying a copy for my friend Steve, who favours the Desperate Dan diet. Two cow pies and he’s still hungry. He won’t eat seafood or anything green.

As he explained: ‘If God had meant us to eat prawns, he’d have put them on dry land, given them hooves and made them go “moo”!’