The drama in my friend group is out of control. DEAR JANE I know what's coming next... and I can't stomach it

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Dear Jane,

I’ve had the same group of girlfriends for years.

There’s ten of us and it has been a long-standing tradition to go on an annual girls’ trip, but what started as a fun tradition has got wildly out of hand.

We used to rent a cheap cabin in the mountains or a budget-friendly beach house for a weekend, but now that we’ve got further in our careers, and have more money, each trip has become more lavish than the last.

Rather than shell out hundreds of dollars for a fancy hotel, they’ve started hosting everyone at their houses (read: mansions). They’ve also extended the trip to a whole week.

Listen, I love these ladies very much, but they can be a bit much at times, especially because they try to one-up each other every year. 

Frankly, it’s more drama than it’s worth and I’d rather not pay money on a flight to be caught in the middle of it.

So when my group chat started buzzing with planning the next trip recently I politely declined due to a ‘personal matter.’ Almost immediately I was bombarded with messages about how I can’t possibly miss this and pressing inquiries into what this mysterious matter could be. 

I tried every excuse in the book but now they’re trying to work around my schedule, telling me they’ll happily move the trip to another week or month to accommodate me. They even offered to pay for my flight if money is the issue.

If I were to tell them the truth - that I just can’t stomach their drama for a whole week - I just know they would be offended.

How can I possibly get out of this trip without hurting their feelings?

Sincerely,

Peer Pressured

International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers' most burning issues in her agony aunt column

Dear Peer Pressured,

You’re absolutely right, if you were to tell them you can’t stomach their drama they would indeed be offended.

In fact, it’s quite possible that it would be the end of including you in the friend group. That might solve your immediate problem, but you’ve all been friends for years and, other than this annual trip away, you’ve got great friendships, so that would be a terrible shame.

You’ve already done the right thing in politely declining. I’m here to remind you that just became someone asks you a question, doesn’t mean you have to answer it.

But it’s completely understandable that you should feel so cornered.

Instead of using the personal matter as an excuse, try saying something along the lines of how much you love the entire group and how much you have enjoyed the trip all these years, but right now you don’t have the bandwidth for a week away.

Explain that it isn’t about timing, or money, or anything anyone can fix, you just need to sit this one out this year.

Stick to your script, even if you have to repeat the same thing over and over again: it’s no reflection on our friendship, I just need to sit this one out, or this year I just need some quieter time alone.

The best way of sticking to our guns is to not get caught up in explanations, or being guilted, or trying to make other people feel better. 

Dear Jane,

My husband and I have two young children and are best friends with a couple who are childless by choice.

We have mutually respected each other’s choice to have kids or not, and it never seemed to be an issue - until recently.

It started with comments about how loud or annoying having kids would be – and how irritated they get when children are even a little bit disruptive in public places.

I didn’t think much of it at the time, since they’re entitled to their opinions and I know they love our kids very much, giving them gifts on their birthdays and for holidays.

But then, they started asking if we could bring our children around less. They didn’t want kids at their housewarming party and when we invited them on vacation with us, they refused because our kids would be there.

I can’t help but feel offended by their attitudes towards my family - my kids aren’t nuisances and are generally well-behaved!

I’m not sure I feel comfortable even having them around my kids as a result.

Is there a way for this friendship to move forward, or are these irreconcilable differences?

Sincerely,

Protective Parent

Dear Protective Parent,

Of course there is no-one you love more in the world than your two young children and, of course, it would be heavenly if the whole world loved your two young children as much as you do.

It is delightful that your best friends clearly love your children and spoil them on their birthday and during the holidays, but come on, protective parent, give your friends a break!

It’s easy to assume that everyone’s worlds revolve around kids once you have kids of your own but people without children just do not live in the same way, nor have the same priorities, and you cannot expect them to.

Young children, as delicious as they may be, do not have to be invited everywhere, particularly to a housewarming party where there very well may be no other kids there.

I think it’s perfectly understandable for your friends to not want to come on vacation with you and your children. Let’s face it, as all of us with children know, there is no such thing as a vacation with kids.

Yes, it’s a trip somewhere, with different scenery and maybe a beach or a swimming pool if we’re lucky, but vacation as we used to know it? As in, lazing around under an umbrella sipping cocktails and doing nothing? No chance.

Instead of taking it personally and being offended, accept that you can love one another as friends and have different priorities.

See your friends without the children, take your own vacations and embrace the differences between you. There is a reason you are all friends, that has nothing to do with children. If anything, this kind of friendship is the one that’s going to survive, because it isn’t situational. Celebrate those differences, and that you get to be true individuals with these friends, rather than simply someone’s parent.