My ex behaved so badly on our son's birthday... DEAR JANE he's left me no option, but if I do what I must my child will never forgive me
Dear Jane,
I am divorced and share a young son with my ex-husband.
Every year, for holidays and birthdays, we coordinate presents to ensure that we don’t buy him the same gifts and this year was no different.
My son has been asking for a puppy for years, but I have repeatedly refused because I know the responsibility to take care of the animal will fall on me, a single mom.
My ex and I agreed that we needed to wait before getting our son a dog despite his pleas.
So, imagine my shock when my son received a puppy for his birthday... from my ex.
I was livid. I could not believe he went behind my back! And he looked so smug, knowing that he would become our son’s favorite parent.
It put me in an impossible position. How could I say, 'No,' without ruining the gift and becoming the villain?
Of course I didn’t want to do that, so I faked a smile and told my ex what a great gift it was.
But only a few weeks into this mess and I'm pulling my hair out.
A puppy requires a lot of work - in some ways, it’s just like a baby - and because my ex travels a lot, the dog lives at my house.
I've had to potty train it, teach it commands and make sure it doesn’t chew everything in the house. Long story short, it hasn’t been easy.
This may sound terrible, but I don’t want to take care of this dog. My ex is refusing to take it in, so I find myself desperately wanting to give it to a shelter or a friend, but I know my son would be heartbroken.
I just simply do not have the time nor patience to take care of an animal.
What do I do?
Sincerely,
Howling Mad Mom
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers' most burning issues in her agony aunt column
Dear Howling Mad Mom,
It’s hard not to be furious on your behalf whilst reading this letter. Your ex has broken all the rules of a good divorce, making a decision that is selfish and, worse, deeply manipulative. Of course you’re going to come off as the bad guy if you do not take in a puppy you expressly said you didn’t want.
You are not wrong at feeling resentful and livid. But, whilst there is no doubt that your ex is entirely in the wrong, the real question here is how do you protect yourself without causing emotional fallout with your child.
As much as you want to rehome the puppy, now is not the time to do it. It would damage your son’s trust and allow your husband to claim the narrative of you being a terrible parent. For the time being, you need to set clear, firm boundaries. In writing.
Your ex needs to be told that he made a unilateral decision that has created daily labor for you that is not acceptable. He must contribute to the dog’s food, a dog walker if necessary and veterinary care. And, he has to take the dog when he has your son.
If he refuses, you need to start documenting everything. Keep records of all texts and emails where you agreed not to get a dog. Collect evidence that the dog lives full-time with you and all the costs associated with the dog living with you; food, training, dog walkers, vet, etc. Document all messages where he refuses to take the dog, or help.
You are absolutely within your rights to say, in writing, that the situation is not sustainable. Since the dog was acquired against your agreement and lives with you, mediation may be required to resolve the situation.
You may find that your ex is more amenable to help when there’s a neutral third party involved, not least because his behavior looks terrible on paper. Which it is.
Lastly, if the dog is clearly gifted by him, you may be able to seek reimbursement for expenses in small claims court and argue unjust enrichment (you’re paying for his property). This won’t force him to take the dog, but financial pressure often helps change behavior.
I wish you so much luck.
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