KENNEDY: The ugly gossip about Barron circulating on campus... no wonder he's fled New York City

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Read the mainstream media's coverage of the life and times of Barron Von Trump and you'd be led to believe he's either a MAGA Casanova or a hermit.

After the 19-year-old NYU sophomore reportedly shut down an entire floor of Trump Tower in Manhattan for a Netflix-and-chill date last month, the prurient punditry fainted while the haters sneered.

'He's sort of like an oddity on campus,' said Kaya Walker, the former president of NYU College Republicans, via Vanity Fair. 'He goes to class, he goes home.'

For goodness sake. I know it's tough to drum up sympathy for a guy born into Queens royalty, but whose black heart doesn't feel a pang of sympathy for a gangly young man who'll never have the chance to fumble a bra clasp in a beer-soaked frat basement? It's hard enough that he's taller than a streetlight with a 24/7 Secret Service detail in tow.

Well, if those who number among the Trump Derangement Syndrome afflicted aren't moved by basic human decency, get a load of this...

My college-aged daughters have plenty of friends who've gone to school with Barron and they've given me the lowdown on his reputation. Some of these tattlers said he's 'weird,' others claim he 'doesn't talk.' But most disheartening of all, I'm told that Melania's sweet 6-foot-7-inch baby is also being slandered on one of the hottest new college dating apps.

It's called 'Tea,' and the application purports to help women 'date safely' by enabling verified users to upload photos of the fellas they fancy so others can 'red flag' the dude if they know he's trouble.

Poor Barron is on it and I've seen his profile.

After the 19-year-old NYU sophomore reportedly shut down an entire floor of Trump Tower in Manhattan for a Netflix-and-chill date last month, the prurient punditry fainted while the haters sneered

But most disheartening of all, I'm told that Melania's sweet 6-foot-7-inch baby is also being slandered on one of the hottest new college dating apps

Take this comment: 'messy, played in my face, definitely dl, ran through, chopped.'

My Gen Z translator tells me it means: 'Barron is a dramatic person who pretended to play dumb while being disrespectful. He wanted to keep our union a secret, because we had intercourse and I didn't hear from him again. He was unattractive.'

Look, I suspect the anonymous person who posted about Barron has most likely never met him. But this is proof of what he has to deal with every friggin' day.

No wonder he's resorted to tucking himself away in his Fifth Avenue ivory tower. It's also been reported that he's actually living in the White House and attending classes on NYU's Washington DC campus.

Ugh! What college kid in their right mind would want to live in their parents' house while kicking it to babes? And in stuffy DC no less!

Yes, every first child from Jenna and Barbara Bush (who were nabbed for underage drinking shortly after their dad became president) to Malia and Sasha Obama were under microscope. But there's no denying that Barron gets it worse than all of them.

He's not a normal college student; he's a hostage to toxic culture that can't cut him a break.

So, I say – play on playa'. You'll never be as bad as Hunter Biden.

Out with a bang 

Nicole Kidman has had a rough couple of weeks, and I'm not talking about her surprise divorce announcement.

She made the huge mistake of cutting herself some break-up bangs.

Who has the heart to tell her she looks just like Keith Urban? Worse! She's teetering on Greta Thunberg territory.

Who has the heart to tell Nicole Kidman she looks just like Keith Urban?

Suicide mission

Speaking of everyone's favorite Hamas apologist, Greta was – once again – detained by Israel as she attempted to break their blockage of Gaza.

Now, the Swedish climate darling claims she was ravaged by bedbugs and practically starved in Israeli detention.

Here's an idea for the Israelis – next time, let her through.

Speaking of everyone's favorite Hamas apologist, Greta was – once again – detained by Israel as she attempted to break their blockage of Gaza

Adios!

Spoiler alert: Alec Baldwin's annoying septo-mom Hilaria was eliminated from this week's 'Dancing with the Stars.'

She set tongues wagging by not wearing her wedding ring – apparently, it gets in the way of her Cha Cha.

I doubt her geriatric husband clocked it, he hasn't noticed she's been faking a Spanish accent for a decade.

Spoiler alert: Alec Baldwin's annoying septo-mom Hilaria was eliminated from this week's 'Dancing with the Stars'

Bennifer's back?

Someone get me a neck brace, I'm in too much pain from all this whiplash!

Last week, Jennifer Lopez was jabbering on about how her divorce from Ben Affleck was the best thing that ever happened to her.

But at the premiere of 'Kiss of the Spider Woman,' the two of them were all over each other.

Maybe they think their ginned-up antics are going to help sell the movie? But I'm getting very strong Gigli vibes.

At the premiere of 'Kiss of the Spider Woman' the two of them were all over each other

Hardy har har

Mean Girl Meghan Markle was caught on camera appearing to snicker when a Balenciaga model nearly ate it on the runway at Paris Fashion Week.

I can only imagine that the Duchess of Doom was just relieved to see someone else falling on their face for once.

Latinface

The cows of 'The View' were heatedly discussing Bad Bunny's selection for the Super Bowl halftime show – and fears that Immigration and Customs agents will be trolling the gridiron – when Whoopi Goldberg was struck by genius.

'Everybody, get a little cocoa butter, sit in the sun, that's the first thing. And then – this is probably the only time you can ever do this – give yourself a Latin accent.'

Uh… Whoopi, isn't that racist?

Psychodrama

Kristin Davis, aka Charlotte the prude from 'Sex and the City,' publicly apologized to Bridget Moynihan for apparently being a total jerk to Moynihan when she played Big's wife Natasha.

'I was so mean to you. I was in character!' she warbled.

And just like that, I'm reminded why no one cares about these vapid dingdongs.

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