It's downhill from here. Only Bono can save us now...

Updated: 02:56 EST, 10 December 2009

[headerlink]

Q I am often hearing that the world is 'going downhill'. Is there any scientific evidence for this claim?

A A team of experts at the University of East Anglia has recently discovered that the world is, indeed, slowly slipping downhill.

'Twenty years ago, the world was a full 41m higher than it is now,' says Professor Chisholm, author of the report Cause For Alarm.

'It is now going downhill at a rate of just over 2m per annum, or, in scientific terms, 4m every two years. The trouble is that it is shaped like a giant ball, and balls are almost impossible to stop going downhill, unless of course you have a vast wedge.'

'Fortunately, Bono has agreed to headline the launch concert'

Professor Chisholm and his team now claim to have constructed a prototype for a wedge to prevent the world going farther downhill, and have just launched a Wedge The World campaign to seek government funding for its construction and installation.

The finished wedge would, he explains, be made of locally sourced organic recyclable material. It would measure 7,000 miles long, and would be 2,000 miles at its highest point.

'Our critics may complain that a total cost of £78,000 billion is too expensive in these difficult economic times,' he adds.

'But it's the only way to stop the world going farther downhill. Fortunately, Bono has agreed to headline at the launch concert, so there is every reason to believe it will work.'

Q Which local authority insists on the largest number of different bins for different types of household refuse?

A Householders in Chipping Sourpuss in Shropshire have to separate their rubbish into 20 different bins: one for sticky items, one for vegetables you have disliked since childhood, one for items you didn't mean to throw away but can't be bothered to retrieve, one for obsolete computers, one for unwanted DVDs, one for half-bitten disappointing chocolates from a selection where the menu has been lost, one for receipts, one for souvenir editions of Hello! featuring 18-page full-colour spreads of weddings that have now ended in acrimonious divorce, one for six-items-or-less, one for newspaper articles you meant to read when you had the time, one for things that you can't remember why on earth you bought them, one for guilty secrets, one for books that promised to change your life but never did, one for tins containing an element of tomato sauce, one for leaky shoes, stale biscuits and ruined teacloths, one for old flowers and all fruit (but not plums or prunes), one for dahlias and the stones of plums or prunes (but not other flowers or fruits), one for inflammable items, one for items that are already on fire, and one for unwanted bins forced on you by the council.

Up to 83 per cent of townsfolk have given up their jobs in order to devote themselves to full-time rubbish separation.

'All the villagers are dedicated to saving the earth,' says the mayor of Chipping Sourpuss, 'just as long as they remember to save it in the bin clearly marked "earth".'

Q What is the least successful Christmas single of all time?

A It all depends on how you score it. In purely commercial terms, Silent Night by Peter Andre and Katie Price sold perfectly well, reaching Number 18 in the charts in December, 2007, but critics and senior church figures alike objected to Katie Price dressing up as the Virgin Mary, nursing Peter Andre in a luxury crib.

Other Christmas singles to have raised eyebrows over the years include O Wombling Town Of Bethlehem by the Wombles (1984) and Actually, My Puppy's Just For Christmas by St Winifred's School Choir (1981).

Christmas is a time for celebrity duets, but many have been mismatched, resulting in poor sales. These include In Dulce Jubilo by Cliff Richard and Yoko Ono (2001), All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth by Shane MacGowan featuring Clive Dunn (2006), and Amazing Grace by Lou Reed and the Nolan Sisters (1979).

The worst sales for Christmas records tend to occur when someone who has become a celebrity for reasons other than musical ability takes a stab at pop stardom.

It's too early to tell whether Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair Darling's first record, Santa Says (That Prospects For Recovery Remain Poor), will achieve his stated aim of 'bringing a little sunshine into all our lives', but insiders say it is still likely to do better than Norman Lamont's 1991 flop novelty record Two And Two Make Three.

Q What is the worst phrase in the English language?

A 'As you're on your feet . . .'

Q What is the second-worst phrase in the English language?

A 'Where did you last see it?'