Wee Dougie, the furious zombie
'Political zombie' Douglas Alexander
Gordon Brown’s little Cabinet helper, political zombie Douglas Alexander, had a tantrum in a phone call to David Miliband.
Wee Dougie, a bloated Harry Potter lookalike without the specs, wit or any trace of magic, angrily accused the Foreign Secretary of upstaging his trip to the US by making a major speech on Afghanistan on the same day without consulting him.
But an insider at Alexander’s Overseas Aid Ministry said: ‘Douglas could set fire to his kilt and jump off the Empire State Building and no one would notice.’
Doom-laden Labour MPs convinced they are heading for defeat are calling the Party’s conference in Brighton at the end of this month ‘Depression on Sea’.
MPs and activists are boycotting it, while greedy lobbyists are making a beeline for the rival Tory gathering instead.
Thirsty union barons won’t even be able to cry into their beer. The Unite reception – traditionally the biggest booze-up of the week – has been ditched.
Christine, a politician who suits herself...
Glamorous French Finance Minister Christine Lagarde, pictured below, in London for the G20 meeting of finance ministers, said she had just done her bit to put the UK economy back on the road to recovery by buying two Austin Reed suits.
Doing her bit: French finance minister Christine Lagarde
Chancellor Alistair Darling replied: ‘I will repay the compliment – if I ever get to Paris!’
Downing Street was furious with Defence Minister Bill Rammell’s sweaty performance on TV over his role in the Megrahi scandal.
Aides mopped his brow to calm him as he prepared for the interview in his office – then Rammell ruined it all by dashing half-a-mile to the BBC studio, where he looked as appealing as a human slug.
Blustering Bill has been banned from going on TV again without make-up.
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Skinflint parliamentary chiefs have sparked a revolt by sneakily ordering cheaper coffee beans at the excellent Commons Despatch Box cafe to save money – without reducing prices.
MPs are threatening to make a formal complaint. You can cut spending on schools, hospitals and benefits, but you water down a politician’s skinny latte at your peril.
Blair’s blast of desert wind
Tony Blair’s infamous parley with Colonel Gaddafi in a tent in the Libyan desert got off to a shaky start when the
ex-PM’s interpreter told him to refuse the wily dictator’s offer of a glass of camel’s milk, a Bedouin speciality.
Later, when Blair asked why he had warned him off, he was told: ‘If you aren’t used to it, you get the runs in five minutes and f**t like a trumpet – and Gaddafi knows it.’
Foreign Office diplomats off to the Commonwealth Summit in Trinidad in November have been told that owing to a shortage of hotels, they will be staying on the cruise ship Serenade of the Seas, which will drop anchor in Port of Spain.
You’d think they’d be delighted. But not a bit of it. To save money, they have been told it will be two to a cabin. ‘FO totty is thin on the ground,’ said a waggish envoy.
