Do we need nukes? Ask our Basra boys

How many politicians does it take to change a

light bulb? None, actually. That’s our job.

It’s all very well babblingon about low-energy light bulbs, but it’s much more fun ordering nuclear subs with warheads which could blow away half the planet, isn’t it boys?

Mr Brown’s or Mr Cameron’s finger will soon be on the button that could launch a thousand Hiroshimas. How very environmentally sound!

The recommissioning of Trident has again shown the Alice-In-Wonderland nature of our democracy. There was no proper debate.

We knew last June we were spending billions on a system created to fight the Russians because Gordon Brown told us so. The decision had obviously been made before then and the Americans knew about it.

The old line keeps being trotted out: that the first duty of any Government is to protect its citizens. I agree.

One way of protecting us might be by doing something about climate change.

Or is that now ‘so last week’? Decent education and health care helps but is never so exciting as talking about boys’ toys, is it?

Another way of protecting us might be by not ferrying around vast quantities of radioactive material. And another may be by asking the Army

what it actually needs. ‘Oi you! Over there in Helmand and Basra. Would you like an obsolete weapons system in 20 years’ time? Does that help?’

No one can see the future but you needn’t be a military expert to see the nature of the threat has changed while actual combat remains much

the same.

Today, terror can be caused by horrifically low-tech methods. Our nuclear deterrent has not deterred anyone, from Galtieri to Saddam Hussein.

Why? Because we are committed to not using nukes

against anyone who doesn’t have them. We signed the Non-Proliferation Treaty, though our rulers appear more interested in ensuring Blair’s ‘legacy’ than honouring silly old

international treaties.

This legacy means proving Labour can never be accused of being soft on defence. Blair

remains stuck in the Eighties while the rest of us have moved on.

The people who think renewing Trident is a terrible waste of money range from old CND

activists, to retired generals, to weapons experts.

This is not a Right-v-Left issue, but it is laughable when both Right and Left are scrabbling to own the green agenda.

What it all signals, yet again, is that on key issues – from Iraq to education reform - Britain, as Neil Lawson of the organisation Compass says, "is being governed by a New Labour/ Conservative coalition".

There is no debate as there is no opposition.

Ming Campbell is not enough. All those people

who were wholly against the war, the privatisation of education and health and rearming with hideously expensive but

useless killing machines, are not represented properly in Parliament.

The disenfranchisement of so many is precisely why fewer and fewer turn out to vote. Who is fooled by the use of the word ‘debate’ or, worse

‘consultation’? Have you or anyone you know ever been knowingly consulted?

If, for a second, anyone felt safer on the bus or Tube because we knew Big Gordy or

Fragrant Dave could launch a genocide in a faraway country then, just possibly, it might be

worth considering.

Yet we know what keeps us safe; intelligence, diplomacy, negotiation and, if that fails, a

properly equipped army. Ask soldiers what we need - not the flailing Bush administration.

I say stop the braying faux-patriotism and wake up to the modern world. And, for God’s

sake, please don’t tell us to be green one week and order up a load of nukes the next.

We are not that green nor that stupid not to see this as anything but appallingly mistaken double-think.

Take it slow Angelina, for your little lad's sake

I'm sure Angelina Jolie has the best motives

but again the snatch-andrun adoption process of a Vietnamese boy leaves much to be desired.

Of course the little boy will have a better life, but what is wrong with a gradual introduction and the number of visits and

overnight stays normally required in most

adoptions?

All professionals involved in such work

recognise that this is in the best interests of the child. To keep seeing celebrities bypass such obvious common sense means that altruism and acquisition become one and the same thing.

What a relief to be amused!

Wow! Comic Relief managed to come up with

something actually funny. The Apprentice was

a masterstroke. The sight of alpha males

Alastair Campbell and Piers Morgan unable to

work a stapler between them was fantastic.

Rupert Everett claiming he didn’t know

anyone and only had "virtual relationships"

was stupefying.

I’ve read your book, darling, and virtual

is not how I would describe many of your

encounters. Trinny Woodall just phoned

a posh mate to bung in 150 grand and then

tried to wake up Cheryl Tweedy by some

mad breathing and stomping recommended

by her Russian detox doctor.

Pure Ab Fab bliss!

The expression on the face of Maureen

Lipman, who actually did some of that quaintly

old-fashioned thing called ‘work’ while

observing these manic antics said it all.

I could have won a Blue - in clubbing

Those howling about the ‘social engineering’ involved in asking university applicants if their parents have a degree don’t understand what it is like growing up in a family where no one talks about college.

When a teacher told me I might like to go to Cambridge I was bemused. I never knew there was a university there or really what a university was. The only reason I could imagine anyone

would go to sad old Cambridge was for a gig or nightclub. If only I could have been socially engineered.