15 ways for ID cards not to work

'Lost in the post, sir? Yes, that's what they all say.'

There will be the perpetual danger of

being prodded in the chest by the pub bore: 'If you've nothing to hide, then

you've nothing to fear. Stands to reason.'

'Is this photograph supposed to be

you, madam? When was it taken? Have you got any other documentation to prove

your identity, besides this so-called ID card?'

'You say your little dog

chewed up your ID card and swallowed it. Got a stomach pump handy, have we?'

Imagine the queues at Heathrow. Just think how long it's going to take you to

get out of the country.

Or back into it, come to that.

When your ID card is lost or stolen, what document will you produce to prove

you're entitled to a replacement?

When producing, or failing to produce, your ID, you may well

understand your rights in law, but the arresting officer may well not.

Remember the great passport fiasco of a few years ago, when thousands were

floundering for their passports because of a computer blip? This will have

been as nothing compared with the great ID card fiasco waiting in the wings.

Tomorrow's headline: 500 BLANK ID CARDS FOUND IN SKIP.

An asylum seeker from one of our new European friends is found with a

suitcase full of forged ID cards. Asked who he is seeking asylum from, since

we are all Euro-pals now, he says he gets a much better price for the things

this side of the Channel. Which makes him an economic refugee.

The ID Helpline, set up to assist those who don't know their passport from

their car parking permit, is in chaos as hundreds of bewildered citizens

needing to be told what is going on are unable to get through, owing to a

breakdown at the call centre in New Delhi.

'Is this your car, sir? Could you show me your driving licence? Are you

trying to be funny, sir? This isn't a driving licence, it's one of those

Mickey Mouse ID cards. You'd better come along with me.'

'Is this your own iris image, madam? Who

took it? Have you got a receipt? You should have a certified official

receipt, madam, otherwise how do I know it's genuine? No, I can't check it

out myself, my meter's on the blink.'

Times leading article: 'Mr Blunkett is

sensible to experiment with ID cards . . .' Experiment?

What are we? White mice?

Without doubt, the job of organising ID cards will be

given to an agency with such a track record for hyper-expensive incompetence

that the official inquiry into where it all went wrong will reverberate into

the next decade.

Those are 15 good reasons against identity cards. For the next 15, and the

15 after those, watch this space.

I have spent the Bank Holiday weekend not coming back from New York.

Usually, at this time of year, that's where I've been.

Instead, this year, I spent a few days in Paris, and very agreeable they

were too.

Nothing to do with my wishing to ring in the New Europe. ('Like New Year's

Eve!' editorialises a Latvian newspaper. More like their Christmas Day, I

should have thought.) It is just that flying to the United States is becoming

more and more an unpleasant experience.

Not only can it now take up to five hours to get through JFK airport but the

immigration and security staff who man the place are increasingly arrogant,

not to say downright rude.

Behind their have-a-nice-day folksiness the Americans have always had a

brutal streak, as we saw from those horrific photographs last week. As a rule

it takes the form of bovine officiousness which, however, has since 9/11 been

developing into a bullying we-rule-the-world insolence.

It can't be doing their tourist trade a power of good. For myself, until

they recover their good manners - they can be charming when they like - I

shall forsake Broadway for the boulevards of Europe.