“Before I was press-ganged into the Skull Pit, I, Ferox, began curating an exercise playlist named Heavy Moves Heavy. For a decade, I alone reaped the benefits of this creation–many were the hours spent preening aboard my Squat Yacht, mixing oils so that I could marvel at the glistening gainz unlocked by the List. My indentured servitude is your good fortune, because a new and improved version of the Heavy Moves Heavy playlist is now available to all readers of AMG in good standing.”
“Angry Metal Guy’s Guide to Not Sucking Anymore is a manual for surviving n00bdom and a window into the mind of our founder. In seventy-nine pages of psychologically revealing prose, this actual book whipped my class into form by teaching us to structure our reviews with one or maaybe two paragraphs describing a band’s sound. How could you ever pull that off with Tamás Kátai’s prolific Thy Catafalque? ” Being and Suckingless.
“2023’s Visions of Infinihility landed in my lap via a Slack message from AMG Himself, and what a gift it was. Carnosus’ rollicking slab of tech death appealed to a broad swath of staff and readers. The Swedish quintet’s sophomore full-length took a star turn come Listurnalia, capturing the fourth slot on the staff’s aggregated top ten, the second spot on my own, and a full-throated endorsement from Angry Metal Guy as his Record o’ the Year. Carnosus pulled this off while releasing their own material. The whole love affair was an example of what I’ve always seen as the site’s best function: the ability to connect talented bands on the margins of the machine with an audience.” Worm’s turns.
“This site suffers from a High on Fire appreciation deficit. Staffers from the prog-and-scones salon brush them away like so much dandruff from the shoulder of their tweed blazers. The caveman contingent, meanwhile, sends no love to this sludge institution. We’ve only reviewed them one time! The oversight heaps discredit on snobs and slobs alike. With the release of their ninth slab Cometh the Storm, I, Ferox, pounced on the opportunity to acknowledge these facts and correct the record. Cometh the Storm just needs to deliver the groceries one more time so I can cram it in the face of my fellow staffers.” High on fanboying.
“One develops a strange relationship with the concept of “accessibility” in this gig. Take Fathomless Ritual’s debut Hymns for the Lesser Gods. This slab of murky death metal plunges you right into the maelstrom with furious opening track “Hecatomb for an Unending Madness.” The rest of the album is full of riffs that land like an oddly shaped object dropped from a third-story window: they bounce around unpredictably, and if you’re not careful they might just hit you in the face. My point is, no one will play Hymns for the Lesser Gods as the soundtrack to a spin class. Why, then, does the phrase “like a more accessible Demilich” recur in my listening notes?” Fathomless accessibility.
Do you even lift, brah? If so, we have the soundtrack to your bumper plate annihilation. Grow or die at the AMG exercise vault.
“Well, here’s one filthy wallow–roll around in this shit and I promise the stench will linger. The brutal death mongers of Necroticgorebeast return with Repugnant, their third blitzkrieg of bletches, blearghs, and blurgles. On their self-titled debut and its followup Human Deviance Galore, these Québecois killers established themselves as the state of the “art” when it comes to IQ-obliterating slammy death metal. They “distinguish” themselves from their peers with a kind of lizard-brain instinct for making slam that sticks.” Pearls before slam.
“When the Elder Gods finally turn their dread gaze on this flake of cosmic dandruff, Xoth will be there to pass out beers. “Party Lovecraft” is a tricky vibe to nail and also possibly an oxymoron, but this Seattle tech/thrash/black/melodeath/whatever act makes it their own. Over the course of two excellent albums, Invasion of the Tentacube and Interdimensional Invocations, Xoth filled a void that only Xoth knew was there. Few who listen can resist their charms, and now the band drops third long-player Exogalactic.” X marks the Xoth.
With new material looming, a small group of AMG staffers volunteered to wade through the gore and human waste to get you a functional Autopsy ranking. Jump in the cesspool for some _ _ _ _fun.
“It took Afterbirth more than two decades to launch their first deep space probe with 2017’s The Time Traveler’s Dilemma. The Long Island gurglers were worth the wait, as that album and 2020’s ingenious Four Dimensional Flesh sketched out the band’s vision of prog-enhanced brutal death metal. Kronos deemed Four Dimensional Flesh “one of the most charismatic and original death metal albums you’ll ever hear,” and in the wake of that triumph a new Afterbirth slab qualifies as a full-fledged Event.” Strong Islands birth strong sounds.
