Coming Out to Family as Transgender
“Our kid changed his gender appearance, his name, his sexual orientation and his religion all at once. We didn’t tell our child that he was a bad person, or immoral or sick. We told our child that we needed time to accept the change. And there was rage, on both sides. With time and the support of other parents of trans children, we came to love the son we never knew we had.”
— Pat Milligan, father of a female-to-male transsexual and host of northern New Jersey T*FAM (a support group for the families of transgender people)
There are some similarities between what transgender people and gay, lesbian and bisexual people face when coming out to family members. Both groups are likely to fear that their parents will reject them after they come out. If you’re still living at home, you might be afraid that they will throw you out of the house or stop paying for college. Family members might tell you you're immoral, end communications or simply stop loving you.
While it's true that many parents are shocked when their children come out to them, it is also true that for many parents, it's very hard to permanently reject their children. Parents might react in ways that hurt. Some cry, get angry or shut down emotionally. Some try to send their child to counselors or therapists in attempts to change their child. Many go through a cycle of anger and loss that for some eventually turns into acceptance.
Remember that your parents grew up in a time when some of the misperceptions about gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people were more prevalent than they are today, and many of those that concern transgender people still persist. Remember, too, that they probably think they are trying to keep you safe from something they don’t understand. It’s important to give your family time to adjust to the news. There's really no set schedule for how long it takes parents to adjust. Some take months. Some take years. And, of course, some have known all along.
“There was some information online written for parents about having a child come out as trans,” says Tomas Moore, female-to-male transgender graduate student. “Reading it really helped me understand what they would be going through and allowed me to give them the time they needed to process and understand.”
Many people will have questions when you come out to them. You might want to be prepared by having information about gender identity and expression to give them. Researching local support groups for parents and families of transgender people is helpful, too. Many communities have local chapters of Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, which has a PFLAG Transgender Network, T-NET. T-NET is not a chapter of PFLAG, but rather a special affiliate that focuses on promoting the health and well-being of transgender people and their families and friends. They produce a booklet, Our Trans Children, that your parents may find helpful in understanding what you have just told them.
After coming out to their families, some transgender people find that their relatives can be some of their most supportive and dedicated advocates.
“When we were growing up I was the big brother who protected my sister,” says Donna Rose, an information technology specialist from Austin, Texas, who transitioned from male to female when she was in her 40s. “But now that we’re grown up and I’ve transitioned, more often than not she is my bodyguard!”