The Ballad of Barry and Freda (Let's do it!)

As featured in Lucky Bag: The Victoria Wood Song Book, 2nd edition published 1992 by Methuen, ISBN 0-7493-0819-2 and sung by Victoria Wood in Victoria Wood—As Seen On TV (second series), shown on BBC2 in November 1986 and on Victoria Wood real life—the songs, CD number OMCD1212

A joy to write, a sod to learn, and I daren’t finish a show without it. The first time I performed it a women at the Stage Door said, ‘How long have you been cross-eyed?’

Freda and Barry sat one night.
The sky was clear. The stars were bright.
     The wind was soft. The moon was up.
     Freda drained her cocoa cup

She licked her lips. She felt sublime.
She switched off Gardeners' Question Time.
     Barry cringed in fear and dread
     As Freda grabbed his tie, and said:

               Let's do it!
               Let's do it,
          Do it while the mood is right!
                    I'm feeling
                    Appealing.
          I've really got an appetite.

          I'm on fire
          With desire.
          I could handle half the tenors in a male voice choir.
               Let's do it!
               Let's do it tonight!

     But he said:

               I can't do it.
               I can't do it.
          I don't believe in too much sex.
                    This fashion
                    For passion
          Turns us into nervous wrecks.

          No derision!
          My decision—
          I'd rather watch The Spinners on the television.
               I can't do it.
               I can't do it tonight.

     So she said:

               Let's do it!
               Let's do it,
          Do it till our hearts go boom!
                    Go native,
                    Creative
          Living in the living room.

          This folly
          Is jolly.
          Bend me over backwards on me Hostess trolley.
               Let's do it!
               Let's do it tonight!

     But he said:

               I can't do it.
               I can't do it.
          Me 'eavy breathing days have gone.
                    I'm older,
                    Feel colder.
          It's other things that turn me on.

          I'm imploring:
          I'm boring.
          Let me read this catalogue on vinyl flooring.
               I can't do it.
               I can't do it tonight.

     So she said:

               Let's do it!
               Let's do it,
          Have a crazy night of love!
                    I'll strip bare.
                    I'll just wear
          Stilettos and an oven glove.

          Don't starve a
          Girl of a palaver.
          Dangle from the wardrobe in your Balaclava.
               Let's do it!
               Let's do it tonight!

     But he said:

               I can't do it.
               I can't do it.
          I know I'd only get it wrong.

                    Don't angle
                    For me to dangle.
          Me arms 'ave never been that strong.

          Stop pouting.
          Stop shouting.
          You know I pulled a muscle when I did that grouting.
               I can't do it.
               I can't do it tonight.

               Let's do it!
               Let's do it,
          Share a night of wild romance,
                    Frenetic,
                    Poetic!
          This could be your last big chance

          To quote Milton,
          To eat Stilton,
          To roll in gay abandon on the tufted Wilton.
               Let's do it!
               Let's do it tonight!

               I can't do it.
               I can't do it.
          I've got other little jobs on hand.
                    Don't grouse
                    Around the house.
          I've got a busy evening planned.

          Stop nagging.
          I'm flagging.
          You know as well as I do that the pipes want lagging.
               I can't do it.
               I can't do it tonight.

               Let's do it!
               Let's do it
          While I'm really in the mood!
                    Three cheers!
                    It's years
          Since I caught you even semi-nude.

          Be drastic
          Gymnastic.
          Wear your baggy Y-fronts with the loose elastic.
               Let's do it!
               Let's do it tonight!

               I can't do it.
               I can't do it.
          I must refuse to get undressed.
                    I feel silly.
                    It's too chilly
          To go without me thermal vest.

          Don't choose me.
          Don't use me.
          Me mother sent a note to say you must excuse me.
               I can't do it.
               I can't do it tonight.

               Let's do it!
               Let's do it!
          I feel I absolutely must.
                    I won't exempt you,
                    Want to tempt you,
          Want to drive you mad with lust.

          No cautions,
          Just contortions!
          Smear an avocado on me lower portions.
               Let's do it!
               Let's do it tonight!

               I can't do it.
               I can't do it.
          It's really not my cup of tea.
                    I'm harassed,
                    Embarrassed.
          I wish you hadn't picked on me.

          No dramas!
          Give me me pyjamas.
          The only girl I'm mad about is Judith Chalmers.
               I can't do it.
               I can't do it tonight.

               Let's do it!
               Let's do it!
          I really want to run amok.
                    Let's wiggle.
                    Let's jiggle.
          Let's really make the rafters rock.

          Be mighty.
          Be flighty.
          Come and melt the buttons on me flameproof nightie.
               Let's do it!
               Let's do it tonight!

               Let's do it!
               Let's do it!
          I really want to rant and rave.
                    Let's go,
                    'Cause I know
          Just how I want you to behave:

          Not bleakly,
          Not meekly.
          Beat me on the bottom with a Woman's Weekly.
               Let's do it!
               Let's do it tonight!.

© Victoria Wood, 1987