Vol 61: Issue 43

Politics

Trump Touts Productive Call With Putin About Ballroom Sconces

WASHINGTON—Acknowledging that he was impressed by the foreign leader’s ability to compromise on all kinds of fixtures, President Donald Trump announced Friday that he had…
American Voices

ChatGPT Introduces New AI-Powered Web Browser

OpenAI has launched a new AI-powered web browser for macOS called ChatGPT Atlas, featuring split-screen chat companion and an agent mode to complete tasks. What do…
Entertainment

Wedding Planner Gingerly Asks Taylor Swift If She’s Considered Dance Lessons

NEW YORK—Attempting to broach the sensitive subject as delicately as possible, Taylor Swift’s wedding planner reportedly asked the artist Friday if she had ever considered…
Cartoons

Scary Outfit
News

What To Know About Data Centers

As the use of AI increases, data centers are popping up across the country. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the controversial…
Local

37-Year-Old Still On Parents’ Verizon Plan Saves Credibility By Clarifying He Pays Them $50 A Month

SAN DIEGO—Pausing mid-conversation to shore up any doubts regarding his ability to shoulder adult responsibilities, full-grown 37-year-old man Justin Landry reportedly defended his credibility Friday…

Politics

Visibly Bruised Pete Hegseth Declares Wobbly Barstools Threat To National Security

WASHINGTON—Occasionally pausing to rub his bleeding temple as he delivered the statement, visibly bruised Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth declared Friday that wobbly barstools were…
American Voices

East Wing Demolition Sparks Outrage

President Trump’s decision to demolish the White House’s East Wing for a $300 million ballroom has provoked public outrage and preservationist demands for a pause,…
Local

Shelter Dog Just Doesn’t Have That X Factor

LOS ANGELES—Declaring that some animals simply “got the goods” and “you know it when you see it,” officials at a local animal shelter confirmed Thursday…
Entertainment

Biggest Revelations From ‘Mr. Scorsese’

A new five-part docuseries on Apple TV examines the life and career of iconic filmmaker Martin Scorsese. Here are the biggest and most shocking revelations…
Local

National Guardsman Awakes Screaming From Nightmare About Americans Going About Daily Lives

FORT WORTH, TX—Catching his breath and wiping the sweat from his brow after he realized it was all just a bad dream, Texas National Guard…
Local

Parents Feuding With At Least One Aunt At All Times

CHICOPEE, MA—Saying that she couldn’t recall a time of familial peace since the early ’90s, area woman Melissa Maynard confirmed Wednesday that her parents were…

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