I didn’t consider my husband abusive – until a nurse asked this question

Anonymous

Published January 10, 2026 4:00pm Updated January 12, 2026 11:44am

Silhouette of woman sitting on the floor with her hands over her face (Picture: Getty Images) — The abuse was increasingly violent and he controlled every aspect of my life (Picture: Getty Images)

I arrived at hospital with a broken wrist and a black eye. As a nurse assessed my injuries, I was too afraid to tell her who had hurt me.

But when she asked if it was my partner, I began to cry.

The police, social services and the charity Women’s Aid were called and they made it clear that my children and I couldn’t go home.

I protested, terrified of the repercussions from my husband, Paul*, but they weren’t going to send me back into danger.

I was advised to go home and pack bags for me and my children so we could flee while Paul was at work. After this, I collected my children from school and fled to my parents’ house.

That hospital visit was the start of my escape.

What to do if you're experiencing domestic abuse

If you are experiencing domestic abuse, you are not alone. And whether you are currently coping with or have made the decision to leave, you do have options.

If you are thinking about leaving, domestic abuse charity Refuge suggests starting a record of abusive incidents, which might include saving pictures or messages, or making notes of times, dates and details of incidents.
The next step is to make copies of important documents such as court orders, marriage certificates, National Insurance Numbers and your driving licence.
In the meantime, identify the safer areas of your home so that you know where to go if your abuser becomes aggravated. Ideally, this should be a room with a phone and a door or window to the outside.
If you feel ready to leave, start by making a plan for a safe, reliable route out. If you feel safe to do so, pack an emergency bag so that you leave in a hurry if needed.
You can access a local refuge, either with or without children, for as long as you need to stay. The address is confidential. The National Domestic Abuse Helpline (0808 2000 247) is open 24-hours a day and has all the details of refuges in your area.
In an emergency situation, ring 999 and ask for the police. If you aren’t able to talk, try the Silent Solution: after dialling 999, listen to the questions from the operator and respond by coughing or tapping your device, if possible. If prompted, press 55 to let the operator know it's an emergency – you'll be put through to the police.

This Is Not Right

On November 25, 2024 Metro launched This Is Not Right, a campaign to address the relentless epidemic of violence against women.

With the help of our partners at Women's Aid, This Is Not Right aims to shine a light on the sheer scale of this national emergency.

You can find more articles here, and if you want to share your story with us, you can send us an email at vaw@metro.co.uk.

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He lost his temper over tiny things, slamming doors and punching walls, and it was somehow always my fault.

I wish I’d known then what counted as abuse. Under UK law, coercive control is a criminal offence that covers financial control, digital monitoring, emotional manipulation – all of which made me feel trapped long before physical violence began.

Paul said the way he treated me was my fault – and I believed him.

After our daughter was born in 2013, the abuse turned physical: he would grab, shove, poke and slap me. He’d snatch our daughter out of my arms and lock himself in the bedroom, knowing I wouldn’t leave without her.

By the time our second daughter was born two years later, the abuse was increasingly violent and he controlled every aspect of my life, including money.

Domestic violence. Men shouting at a woman. — I was trapped (Picture: Getty Images)

I was trapped.

During lockdown, colleagues noticed him hovering behind me on Zoom calls, noting who I was speaking to. They questioned it, but I tried to make light of it.

My parents were suspicious, too; but I was forever explaining Paul was ‘insecure’.

I felt constantly stressed, afraid, and tearful. Paul laughed at me when I cried, calling me pathetic.

I told my GP I was having panic attacks (without saying why) and they prescribed medication. But when it dulled my emotions, Paul banned me from taking it, furious that I no longer wept when he screamed.

He told me he would rather we were all dead than not be together as a family. My life became a blur of fear, apology and survival.

In 2015, during my second pregnancy, I discovered Paul was having an affair (‘my fault’ as he was stressed about the pregnancy) and he had another affair in 2022. By that time, however, I was relieved when he was out of the house.

Rear view of an unrecognizable abused woman sitting on her bed looking out the window. — My life became a blur of fear, apology and survival (Picture: Getty Images)

One evening, he found me on the phone to a friend, giggling instead of worrying where he’d been. He punched me in the face, then grabbed and twisted my arm, breaking my wrist.

I tried to hide my black eye when Mum called on FaceTime the next day, but within an hour, she was at my door. When she saw my arm, we went to hospital.

The police visited me at my parents’ home the night we fled. I found the interaction cold – a female officer told me this was a case of ‘he said, she said’ – and it took them four days to contact Paul, during which he sent constant abusive messages demanding I return with the kids.

The police imposed bail conditions: Paul was not to approach me or come to my parents’ house. But these conditions weren’t enforced and he came anyway, day and night, banging on the door and shouting. Each time I reported a breach, he was arrested and released within 24 hours.

I lived in constant fear.

Learn more about domestic abuse in the UK

One in four women experience domestic abuse
It takes an average of seven attempts for a woman to leave for good
Police record a domestic abuse every 40 seconds.
Less than 20% of women who experience partner abuse reported it to police
84% of domestic abuse victims are women – 93% of defendents are male
Disabled women are twice as likely to experience domestic abuse
Source: Refuge

Women’s Aid suggested I speak to a family law specialist, recommending Sharon, an expert in cases like mine. I was shaking the first time we spoke but she was calm and kind. I finally felt I could speak about the abuse to someone who understood.

Sharon’s first priority was securing a non-molestation order, a legal barrier that stopped Paul harassing me, contacting me, or coming near me. If he did, the police could arrest him on the spot for breaching the order.

I also made an application for an occupation order to remove Paul from our home so that the children and I could return. I filed a statement, the Court listed my orders within a week and to avoid a trial, my husband agreed.

I finally felt safe.

Next, my solicitors issued divorce proceedings. Paul applied for full custody, refused to get a solicitor and represented himself, taking every opportunity throughout our four hearings in the family court to diminish my character.

Sad woman sitting in cabinet in the dark. — I’ve blocked Paul on social media and keep my privacy guarded (Picture: Getty Images)

Sharon supported me throughout – the whole experience would have been devastating without her by my side.

Nearly a year after I went to hospital, the court ruled that Paul had been abusive and should have no direct contact with me or our children, only letters and gifts at birthdays and Christmas.

My children were relieved, particularly my eldest. She has since told me things she endured at Paul’s hand that I never knew about, which broke my heart.

We live peacefully now. I’ve blocked Paul on social media and keep my privacy guarded.

The non molestation orders and occupation orders have now expired – he does abide by the terms in the orders and sends the odd present for the girls on Christmas and birthdays, but he no longer visits our home.

What to do if a loved one is at risk from domestic abuse

If you feel that it’s safe, approaching them gently and considerately may be enough to encourage someone to speak out. Otherwise, reminding them of charities like Women’s Aid and Refuge might help them seek advice.

Ultimately, there are a multitude of ways you can help.

Listen: Try active listening, where you really tune into what the other person is saying without bombarding them with questions. They may not feel comfortable talking about the abuse directly yet.
Don’t judge: It’s easy to fall into the trap of being critical, either towards the abuser or the victim for apparently ‘choosing’ to stay in the relationship. Avoid being negative about their partner – understand that your friend or relative may still love them, whatever your own point of view.
Believe: Avoid phrases like, ‘But they’ve always been so nice to me’ or ‘I can’t imagine them doing that’. Take in what your loved one is telling you with an open mind and reassure them that you are there for them.
Support: Acknowledging domestic abuse is a process. Offering advice on what constitutes abuse or sharing details for helplines, as long as it is safe to do so, gives your friend or relative the time and space they need to come to terms with what’s happening and decide what – if any – action they want to take.
Plan: If your loved one feels ready to leave a domestically abusive situation, you can help. Research non-local taxi numbers and transport timetables, or provide items needed in an emergency bag. You might also consider creating a safe word between you and your loved one that signals that they need help, and work out how you are going to call for support.