Biting into a huge slice of cake, I clinked coffee mugs with my friend.
‘Happy birthday,’ she said, grinning at me.
But it wasn’t actually my birthday – instead, it was my twin daughters who were turning a year older; it was the sixth anniversary of the day I gave birth to them.
I’m a mum of three and it might sound unusual but for the last few years, on my kids’ birthdays, I’ve celebrated me. After all, it was a huge achievement to grow these babies, give birth to them and subsequently raise them, so I think I deserve a special pat on the back.
When I first discovered I was pregnant with my first baby in 2010, I was ecstatic. But that feeling of joy soon faded, replaced by overwhelming exhaustion and a constant feeling of nausea.
For three months, life felt grey and flat. In fact, looking back, I can’t believe how much early pregnancy affected my mental health.
Almost overnight, though, at around 18 weeks pregnant, the fog lifted and life was back ‘in colour’ again. The rest of my pregnancy went smoothly but the birth left me feeling like I’d been hit by a bus. The recovery process was slow and combined with learning how to look after a small human on very little sleep, it saw me sink into postnatal depression.
The next few years were about getting my mental health back on track, dealing with secondary infertility, multiple rounds of IVF and eventually, in 2018, getting pregnant with twins. A rollercoaster of emotion!
Birthdays for my eldest were filled with mixed emotions for me – a combination of thinking back to the traumatic birth and making the day as fun as possible for my daughter, with birthday banners and chocolate cake.
Until I got pregnant again, every birthday she had marked another year in the widening age gap between her and any potential siblings, which filled me with sadness.
To my relief, postnatal depression didn’t return after I gave birth to my twins. But as any twin parent will tell you, looking after two small humans at once has its own challenges.
Then, on their second birthday, a friend wished me a ‘Happy Birth-day’. She wrote in a card: ‘Happy Birth-day because as brilliant as your little babies are, you should also celebrate YOU. You grew them and gave birth to them. Hooray for you!’
While I didn’t think much of it at the time, it did get me thinking: Why don’t we celebrate mum more on a child’s birthday?
Sure, we have our own birthday and we have Mother’s Day, but it feels appropriate to mark our maternal achievements on the anniversary of the day we gave birth.
I decided from then on that, whenever my children’s birthdays rolled around, I’d take some ‘me time’ to celebrate myself too. It’s the least I deserved.
A few months later, my eldest turned 11. The morning was a whirl of birthday balloons, presents and pancakes with Nutella for breakfast. Then, after dropping her off at school and my twins at pre-school, my birth-day began.
I only had a few hours to myself that day but I made the most of it, meeting friends for coffee and cake, before going for a relaxing facial.
Since then, I’ve celebrated my birth-day twice a year, on each of my kids’ birthdays. Now that they are all old enough to go to school, I can drop them off and take the whole day to myself.
Last year, on the twins’ birthday, I met a friend for brunch before getting a manicure. In the evening, once the kids were in bed, we got a babysitter in and my husband Mark took me out to our local pub where we shared a bottle of fizz.
One year, on my eldest’s birthday, I even splashed out on a spa day for me and a friend. Relaxing on a lounger, having a massage and spending the day properly pampering myself was such a brilliant birth-day treat.
The best thing about celebrating my birth-day is that it doesn’t take away from the celebrations we have with my kids. They experience all the joy that comes with a birthday – opening presents and cards over breakfast and then in the evening, a birthday tea and blowing out candles on their cake – but then I get to have my own fun while they’re at school and once they’ve gone to bed.
On the odd occasion when their birthday has landed on a weekend, I’ve deferred my birth-day by a few days, but I always make sure it happens.
My children know that Mum has a special treat day on their birthday and they love it – they’re always excited to ask me, after school, what I got up to. I think it’s really important for them to see me placing value on myself and my achievements.
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A few of my friends have said they’re going to start celebrating their birth-days after finding out about my tradition. One bought pink champagne to drink with her husband on her son’s birthday last year and I’ve heard others discussing their plans for treating themselves.
I’d love to see more mums celebrate themselves on their child’s birthday – even if it’s just booking a day off work and spending the day curled up on the sofa, watching their favourite Netflix series.
The point of it is to take a moment to reflect on the huge effort you put in to create this small human and do something that day to make yourself happy – because you deserve it.
This article was originally published January 26, 2025
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