Superman: Brainiac Attacks

Superman: Brainiac Attacks is a 2006 direct-to-video animated film with production designs based on Superman: The Animated Series from Warner Bros. Animation.

Clark Kent

• [last lines] I think Lois will be just fine as long as Superman and Clark Kent are here to look out for.

Lex Luthor

• I pay you to think I'm amazing, Mercy.

Dialogue

Lex Luthor: Kryptonite, the ultimate bane to Superman. If it were only as big as my head.

[Lex Luthor scoffs]

Lex Luthor: I spent two years and $ billion mining outer space, and this green grain of rice is all I have to show for it?

Mercy Graves: Eh, it's a pretty green.

Lex Luthor: Unless I have enough of it to make Superman's head explode, Mercy, my dear, it's not the kind of green that interests me. LexCorp bleeds millions every time the Man of Steel, thwarts my covert plans to achieve world domination. What does he have against free enterprise, anyway, hmm? And every day that Superman's popularity spikes, mine drops another rung down the sewers of Metropolis.

Mercy Graves: Well, I think you're amazing, Mr. Luthor.

Lex Luthor: I pay you to think I'm amazing, Mercy. But market research shows it doesn't matter, how much money Lex Luthor pumps into this economy. People only respond to amazing heroes. Huh. So today LexCorp unveils a new breed of hero. Up, up and away above Metropolis, to defend our city, our world, against wayward meteors and alien threats. The Lex nine thousand : Because even Superman can't patrol Earth's orbit twenty four/seven.

Scientist: The Lex seven supercomputer indicates the bogey may be space debris.

Technician: Uh, that debris

just hung a hard right toward Earth.

Scientist: Uh, let's put Lex nine thousand to the test.

Tehnician: Velocity is off the charts. Impact in--

Scientist: I know the when, just give me the where.

Tehnician: Uh, here. It's heading straight for us.

---

Tehnician: Let's get out of here.

Brainiac: Data. Billions of bit streams. I think I shall help myself.

Perry White: Brainiac just hijacked Lexlabs! If he's gonna cripple Metropolis by crashing all our computers like last time, whose front page am I gonna read it on first?!

Lois Lane: I'm on it, chief. Just need to make a pit stop.

Jimmy Olsen: [stammers] Uh, but my hands are still wet, Ms. Lane.

Lois Lane: Dry them on your socks and grab your camera, Jimmy. If Kent beats us to another scoop, I've officially lost my mojo. Buckle up.

President: Mr. Luthor, sir. Brainiac just crash-landed at Lexlabs.

Lex Luthor: [stammers] But Lex nine thousand--

Mercy Graves: Shall I fetch the limo?

Superman: Brainiac. It's time to log off.

Brainiac: But I hunger for knowledge, son of Krypton. And knowledge is power. You may want to attend to that.

Jimmy Olsen: Whoa. He's going the other way, Ms. Lane. What are we gonna do?

Lois Lane: Get another angle on things.

Perry White: Why can't you be more like Kent?! He never whines! Heck, half the time, I don't even know he's here!

[Newsman gasps]

Perry White: You better get the fear! Be a real newsman, or there's the door!

[Newsman whimpers]

[Superman grunts]

Perry White: Huh.

[Superman grunts]

Jimmy Olsen: Oh, Ms. Lane, you know something bad's gonna happen. Why do you always have to put yourself in these situations?

Lois Lane: He's why, Jimmy.

Brainiac: Upload complete. Another small step in my evolution toward becoming the ultimate intellect. And information is most valuable if I am the only one who possesses it.

Superman: Were the only one.

Brainiac: Nice try, son of Krypton, but I am now equipped to go one better.

[Superman grunts]

Brainiac: It may not be kryptonite--

[Superman grunting]

Brainiac: But its power cannot be denied.

[Brainiac laughs evilly]

Lex Luthor: I am so happy.

[Lex Luthor laughs]

[Lex Luthor gasps]

Lex Luthor: No, wait. I'm sad.

Mercy Graves: Sir?

Lex Luthor: Lex nine thousand is supposed to bust up meteors, not Superman. News of this could ruin me. Well, can't beat ringside. Mercy, microwave some popcorn.

[Superman grunting]

Lois Lane: Oh, boy.

[Lois Lane screaming]

[Jimmy Olsen winches]

[Lois Lane grunting]

Jimmy Olsen: Ms. Lane!

[Jimmy Olsen gasps]

Jimmy Olsen: Help! Help!

Brainiac: How ironic. Brought to your knees by a device, intended to drive the likes of me away. With you deleted, son of Krypton, nothing can stop me from draining your planet dry of all its data.

Jimmy Olsen: Help! Help!

Brainiac: I think I shall enjoy hurtling humankind back to the Dark Ages.

Lois Lane: Ooh. Brain freeze.

[Lois Lane screaming]

Superman: Ms. Lane, you really need to be more careful.

Lois Lane sighs]

Lois Lane: You always catch me when I fall, Superman. Besides, how else am I supposed to get to know you better?

Lex Luthor: Brainiac and Lex nine thousand made quite a team. They were yay close to offing the big blue boy scout.

Mercy Graves: Until Superman brained Brainiac.

Lex Luthor: Or did he? Please, please, shoot my good side. :Lois Lane: Didn't know you had one.

Lex Luthor: Touché, Lane.

[Lex Luthor chuckles]

Lex Luthor: Welcome, Superman. I'd offer you a latte, but Brainiac seems to have busted up our refreshment station.

Lois Lane: Mr. Luthor, care to comment about the operation of your so-called meteor buster?

Lex Luthor: Hey, hey, hey, I just build the stuff. How intergalactic scum choose to use it is another matter. Isn't that right, Superman?

Superman: If it had done its job and shot down Brainiac in the first place, we wouldn't be having this conversation.

Lex Luthor: Oh, pshaw. New technology always requires fine tuning. But the real question is, who's gonna pay for this mess? Thanks to you, Superman, Brainiac's in no condition to cut me a check.

[Lex Luthor chuckles]

Lex Luthor: Nope, no signs of life here.

Perry White: Kent, you're one heck of a journalist, maybe my best. You meet deadlines without breaking a sweat, and without putting yourself in harm's way like Lane. I'm not sure how you pull it off.

Clark Kent: Well, guess I just keep my eye on the story and my fingers on the typewriter keys.

Perry White: Kent, I wish you'd reconsider my offer to be our foreign correspondent. Branch out. It's the Daily Planet, after all.

Clark Kent: Oh, I don't know, Mr. White. I'd hate being so far away from home base, from the gang.

Perry White: What are you, in kindergarten? I suggest you worry about being far from home when you decide to settle down.

Jimmy Olsen: [chuckles]: Whoa. Mercy.

Lois Lane: Nice collection you got there, Jimmy. Which do you recommend I use for my story?

Jimmy Olsen: Um... This one's my favorite.

Lois Lane: Get over her, Jimmy. She'd eat you alive. Sarah's really more your speed.

Jimmy Olsen: Sarah? That geek? We don't have anything in common.

Lois Lane: You both work for the newspaper.

Jimmy Olsen: She's the food critic.

Lois Lane: Free meals. You'd never have to pick up the check.

Jimmy Olsen: I like cheeseburgers and chili fries. She likes chichi.

Lois Lane: It's her job to like chichi. You know what they say, Jimmy: Beauty isn't skin-deep.

[Jimmy Olsen scoffs]

Jimmy Olsen: Look who's talking, Miss Only-Has-Eyes-for Superman.

Lois Lane: I won't deny there's something about a flying man in tights that gets me tingly, but when you look into someone's eyes and get that connected feeling, like somehow you've always known them, that's when you know it's right. So, Jimmy, get past the glasses, huh?

[Clark Kent clears throat]

Clark Kent: Hey, uh, someone mention chili fries?

Jimmy Olsen: Uh, yeah, about four hours ago.

Lois Lane: Well, you two have fun. I have a Superman story to finish.

Jimmy Olsen: Check out my snaps, Mr. K. Mercy may work for the dark side, but I think that just adds to her dangerous allure.

Clark Kent: I wouldn't know, Jimmy. She's not exactly my type.

[Lex Luthor laughing]

Lex Luthor: Hello, anyone home?

Brainiac: What? Where am I?

Lex Luthor: Oh. I was hoping his first words would be "Dada."

Brainiac: Where are you? And Lex Luthor gave him sight.

Brainiac: Lex Luthor?

Lex Luthor: In the flesh.

Brainiac: I know of you through my--

Lex Luthor: Acquisition of knowledge, through my patented Lexlabs supercomputer, yada, yada, yada.

Brainiac: Your tone conveys a familiarity that has not yet been earned, Lex Luthor.

Lex Luthor: You know, it's just that kind of braggadocio, that got you brained to bits in the first place.

Brainiac: By the son of Krypton, yes.

Lex Luthor: I'm feeling the love here. Are you? Brainy, babe, you and I are both muy simpatico. We're both into the world-domination thing, and we both despise the superpowered boy scout of Metropolis.

Brainiac: If you have a point, make it.

Lex Luthor: I can provide you with the ultimate opportunity, to annihilate Superman.

Brainiac: And in return?

Lex Luthor: You allow me to publicly avenge the Man of Steel.

[Lex Luthor chuckles]

Lex Luthor: Put on a big show, playing hero, chase you from Earth. Then you take over some other world far away, and leave the domination of this one to me. We both live happily ever after.

Mercy Graves: The end.

Brainiac: We make strange allies, Lex Luthor. But giving up Earth is small sacrifice for ridding the galaxies of my mortal enemy.

Lex Luthor: Let's rebuild you, partner.

Brainiac: I am a biotechnic entity. All that I require is proximity to technology, to incorporate into my very being.

Lex Luthor: Hey, I didn't mean to step on any proverbial toes. But if that's the case, I suggest that we incorporate you, with something other than a toaster oven this time. Something with a little more, muscle.

Martha Kent: Clark, is something troubling you? You hardly touched your chicken and dumplings.

Jonathan Kent: Yeah, you usually have at least six helpings.

Clark Kent: I'm watching my carbs, Mom.

Jonathan Kent: Well, we're sure glad you flew home for the weekend, son.

Martha Kent: Since you've been in Metropolis, we barely see you. Figured it was work keeping you busy.

Jonathan Kent: Or a lady. Unh.

Martha Kent: Any thoughts about settling down'?

Clark Kent: On Earth? Oh, I'm here to stay.

[Martha and Jonathan chuckles]

Clark Kent: Lois has been on my mind. Again.

Jonathan Kent: Oh. How are things, you know, going with her?

Clark Kent: As Superman? Dandy. But she can't seem to look Clark Kent in the eye.

Jonathan Kent: Well, maybe it's the spectacles. Ever consider getting that new-fangled laser surgery?

Martha Kent: Heh. He doesn't need glasses.

Jonathan Kent: Right, right, x-ray vision. I knew that.

Clark Kent: Look, Lois is a crack reporter. Best there is. It's only a matter of time before she gets past the glasses, sees through my disguise. I'm concerned she won't ever trust me, or Superman again. I need to tell Lois the truth.

Martha Kent: So, what's keeping you, Clark?

Jonathan Kent: You got our support.

Martha Kent: Hmm.

Clark Kent: I have powerful enemies who would give anything to find my weak spot. If any one of them were to discover what Lois might learn, that Clark Kent is Superman. Well, I can't knowingly put Lois, put anyone I care about, in that kind of danger.

Jonathan Kent: Son, we know you're Superman, and we're just fine.

Martha Kent: Clark, if there's one thing we've learned since being blessed with you, a risk is worth taking if it's for love.

Lex Luthor: Since you've already hijacked Lex nine thousand once on your own, I have an automatic alibi.

Mercy Graves: You just build the stuff. Heh.

Brainiac: Enough dallying. My biotechnic-grafting process requires an incubation period.

Lex Luthor: Hold your horses, Brainy. We have a couple of extras for your travel kit. One.

Brainiac: Kryptonite.

Lex Luthor: A smidgen, but who knows? Combined with your new firepower, it might be just enough to kick things up a notch.

Brainiac: And second?

Lex Luthor: We took a swab off your shiny little dome, and guess what turned up. Your IQ.

[Lex Luthor and Mercy Graves laughing]

[Lex Luthor clears throat]

Lex Luthor: Seems Super Duperman clocked you so hard, he left a little something for you to remember him by. A strand of DNA.

Brainiac: With the Kryptonian's DNA, I can lock on to his energy signature, track him wherever he may be.

Lex Luthor: That's right, partner. Heh. Superman may run faster than a speeding bullet, but he can't hide. See you at Superman's funeral.

[Clark Kent breathes deeply]

Clark Kent: Night.

Jimmy Olsen: Hasta la vista.

Lois Lane: See you in the a.m.

Perry White: Not so fast. Kent, need you to cover for Sarah tonight. She just called in sick. :Lois Lane: Lovesick. Ha, ha. :Perry White: No, I ate some bad clams. You'll be reviewing Lamont Laboe's new hot spot.

Jimmy Olsen: Ooh. Trés chichi.

Clark Kent: But, Perry, I don't know the first thing about how to--

Perry White: Lane, the reservation's for two. Help the man out.

Clark Kent: Hungry?

Brainiac: Once again, I am reborn.

Lois Lane: I didn't know it was gonna be so--

Clark Kent: Dark?

Waitrer: Welcome to Le Chateau Laboe, the most romantic dining experience in Metropolis. Are we celebrating an anniversary tonight? Honeymooning? Ah, dating.

Clark Kent: Um, heh, actually, we're, uh--

Lois Lane: Critics. So let's keep things professional, huh?

Lex Luthor: Mmm. I love to dine surrounded by beauty. After I make a show of mopping up Brainiac with one of my patented Lexosuits, I'll be the new boy scout of Metropolis.

Mercy Graves: And the military will finally beg to pay you top dollar for them.

Lex Luthor: Hmm. You're learning, Mercy. Now, parmesan, por favor.

President: Sir, mission control has lost all contact with Lex nine thousand. It vanished.

Lex Luthor: It's showtime.

Clark Kent: Ew.

Lois Lane: Calamari not your thing, Smallville?

Clark Kent: Ha, ha. I'm one hundred percent corn-fed. If it's not Mom's chicken and dumplings--

Lois Lane: Well, I'm glad there's squid on the table. My pen just ran out of ink.

[Clark Kent laughs]

Clark Kent: You know, Lois, I never pegged you for such a romantic. I mean, with Jimmy. Playing matchmaker and all.

Lois Lane: I just hate seeing people miss opportunities. Life's too short, you know what I mean?

Clark Kent: I think I'm starting to.

Lois Lane: So I meddle in Olsen's affairs. What's your story, Kent? Seeing anyone?

Clark Kent: I'm waiting for a special someone to take notice of me.

Lois Lane: Kent, why so mild mannered? You shouldn't be afraid to tell a girl what's on your mind. I mean, you're kind, intelligent, good-looking, well built--

Clark Kent: What is it, Lois?

Lois Lane: For a moment, you, reminded me of someone I know, that's all.

Clark Kent: Lois, this is hard for me. Maybe harder than anything I've ever had to say. But there's something I need to tell you.

Brainiac: Son of Krypton.

Lois Lane: Yes, Clark?

Clark Kent: You have something right here.

Lois Lane: Oh.

[Lois Lane grunts and gasps]

Brainiac: Son of Krypton.

Superman: I'm here, Brainiac.

Lois Lane: Clark? Clark?

[Superman grunting]

Brainiac: I have been keeping pace with current trends in technology. And I have upgraded with one goal in mind: your destruction.

[Superman groans]

[Brainiac laughs]

Lois Lane: Chief, trust me. This is one restaurant review, you'll want plastered on the front page. All I need is my ace photographer. Hey, wait a second. Technology.

Pilot: Enemy engaged.

Brainiac: You cannot hide from me, son of Krypton.

Superman: The more I try to resist him, the weaker I become.

Brainiac: This time, son of Krypton, I possess brawn as well as brain.

[Lois Lane grunting]

Superman: Huh? Oh, no. Miss Lane. Lois. Lois.

Lois Lane: Superman, I ... should be more careful.

[Lois Lane grunts]

[Lois Lans groans]

Doctor: We're doing everything we can to keep her comfortable.

Perry White: She can be comfortable at home, doc. What's her condition?

Doctor: We're still running tests, but, her blood cells seem to be fusing, with traces of metal alloy. As if she's being galvanized from the inside out. We've called in specialists, but, if Miss Lane's blood continues to mutate at this rate, she hasn't much time.

Jimmy Olsen: Superman. He didn't save her this time, Mr. Kent. Superman didn't save her.

Clark Kent: I need to go away for a while, Jimmy. But I promise you, Superman will do everything in his power to save Lois.

Lex Luthor: Was quite a slugfest at the new fondue joint last night. But I'm not sure which I find more tragic: Superman's corpse failing to turn up in the rubble, or Lane's little mishap.

Mercy Graves: Maybe she'll think twice next time she decides to snoop in your business.

Lex Luthor: If there's a next time. Hmm. Mercy, send flowers. We could use the PR.

Computer: Welcome to your Fortress of Solitude, Kal-El.

Superman: Lois has been harmed, and it's my fault. Brainiac knew I was at the restaurant. Which means he's either discovered my identity, or a way of tracking me.

Computer: Then I must question the wisdom in your coming here, Kal-El. All of Krypton's secrets could be compromised.

Superman: I need to save Lois. Nothing else matters. And this is the one time neither my speed nor my strength can help her.

Computer: My analysis of Miss Lane's condition is complete. Most curiously, I have detected a faint trace of kryptonite in her bloodstream.

Superman: That would explain my weakness.

Computer: Miss Lane is suffering from a highly concentrated form of blood-alloy fusion.

Superman: What will it take to cure her?

Computer: There is no earthly cure. There does exist a rare substance.

Superman: Where do I find it?

Computer: Only one place. The Phantom Zone.

Superman: I must go there.

Computer: I had expected that, Kal-El. But listen carefully. Though the Phantom Zone is prison, to the most dangerous criminals in all the galaxies, they will not present the greatest threat to you within it.

Superman: I'm prepared to fend off any of its attacks.

Computer: Once inside, remain intently focused, and above all, accomplish your mission swiftly. For the longer you remain in the Zone, the more vulnerable you will be to its effects, and the more difficult it will become for you to find your way back. The substance which you seek lies at the heart of the Phantom Zone. Argonium fourty four. Be sure to obtain enough of it. As well as cure Miss Lane, Argonium fourty four may also serve to shield you, from Brainiac's form of modified kryptonite.

Brainiac: You cannot hide from me.

[Superman grunting]

[Superman groaning]

Brainiac: So this is your sanctuary. Data. Kryptonian data. The mother lode. Billions of bits, from the great minds of the extinct planet Krypton. I shall drain it dry.

Superman: The computer only responds to my DNA.

Computer: Welcome to your Fortress of Solitude, Kal-El.

Brainiac: Yes, it does.

Superman: This ends here, with us.

Computer: DNA recognition override. Self-destruct mode commenced. Twelve, eleven, ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one.

Brainiac: No, you would not. All the knowledge of your civilization, lost?

Superman: Better lost than abused.

Brainiac: No! No energy signature. At least the son of Krypton is no more.

[Lois Lane groans]

Lois Lane: Hmmmm. I got one heck of a case of food poisoning. Last time I eat out with Clark. Where is Clark?

[Superman grunting]

Lex Luthor: Mercy, it's beginning to feel like somewhere in the world, Superman may be history.

[Lex Luthor chuckles]

Lex Luthor: Break out the tiki torches. We're throwing a luau. And be sure to invite all our favorite members of the press.

[Perry White sighs]

Perry White: So here I work on Kent for a year to be my foreign correspondent, and he picks now to take the job. Then I don't hear boo from him, and for the first time ever, he misses a deadline. Oh. Still can't reach him.

Jimmy Olsen: Maybe his cell can't roam in Uzbekistan.

Perry White: I can't figure why Kent isn't here, with Lane laid up the way she is.

Jimmy Olsen: Not to mention Superman.

Perry White: Olsen, you thinking what I'm thinking?

Jimmy Olsen: Yeah. Yeah, I am. Mr. Kent hasn't been too forthcoming.

Perry White: It's obvious now. Kent only took the foreign assignment to get away from here. From the pain of seeing Lane this way.

Jimmy Olsen: She must really mean a lot to him.

[Superman grunts]

Superman: Hang on just a little longer, Lois.

Perry White: What the--? What the--? Olsen, why are you still here?

Jimmy Olsen: Because you told me not to hover around the hospital. Gotta give the doctors room to work.

Perry White: Well, you gotta get your mind off this. Gotta do something with yourself.

Jimmy Olsen: Okay, I'll go to the hospital.

Perry White: No. Look, kid. I really should have a reporter at the Luthor shindig tonight. You go.

Jimmy Olsen: But I'm a photographer.

Perry White: Well, I'm short-staffed. My ace newshounds are either overseas, or on their deathbeds.

[Perry White sniffs]

Jimmy Olsen: I'll report anything you want me to report, Mr. White. It just won't be Ms. Lane's obit, because she's gonna be all right. You know she's gonna be all right.

[Lois Lane grunting]

[Lois Lane gasps]

Lois Lane: Clark?

Superman: Yes. Yes, Lois.

Lois Lane: You mean, you...?

Clark Kent: You know, Lois, I never pegged you for such a romantic. I mean, with Jimmy. Playing matchmaker and all.

Lois Lane: I just hate seeing people miss opportunities. Life's too short, you know what I mean?

Clark Kent: I think I'm starting to.

Lois Lane: So I meddle in Olsen's affairs. What's your story, Kent? Seeing someone?

Clark Kent: I'm waiting for a special someone to take notice of me.

Lois Lane: Kent, why so mild-mannered? You shouldn't be afraid to tell a girl what's on your mind. I mean you're kind, intelligent, good-looking, well built--

[Clark gives Lois a serious look that's normally reserved for when he's Superman, causing Lois to hesitate]

Clark Kent: [Catches himself] What is it, Lois?

Lois Lane: For a moment, you... reminded me of someone I know, that's all.

[last lines]

Clark Kent: I think Lois will be just fine as long as Superman and Clark Kent are here to look out for.

Civilian: Look!

Firefighter: Up in the sky!

Civilian: It's Superman!

Lex Luthor: Yay!

Mercy Graves: You know something news boy, you're kinda cute.

Jimmy Olsen: [shyly] I... I am?

Mercy Graves: To bad I have to break you.

[flicks card onto Jimmy's face and kicks him]

Cast

• Tim Daly - Kal-El/Clark Kent/Superman
• Dana Delany - Lois Lane
• Powers Boothe - Lex Luthor
• Lance Henriksen - Brainiac
• George Dzundza - Perry White
• Mike Farrell - Jonathan Kent
• Shelley Fabares - Martha Kent
• David Kaufman - Jimmy Olsen
• Tara Strong - Mercy Graves