One of the hardest things to do in this life is sometimes accepting what’s being shown to you and not the potential you hope it to be. I know this lesson because I’ve been battling this for months on end; stuck in an emotional limbo. However something happened to me last night, and at first I was angry but then an easing sensation of relief came over me, and now I feel liberated.

1) Confusion 

For me this is where it all started. I didn’t know what to think and or process the words I was hearing and the emotions I was feeling. It sucked hearing every word that was a let down, and it felt even worse to choke back the tears. How is it that I was doing everything right and then in an instant it all fell apart. So sudden? but then I realized that’s exactly it ! It wasn’t my fault it was their own short comings that I let effect my self worth and confidence. The best way out of this stage is to stop asking why something happened and start asking YOURSELF what can be done to guard and build yourself back up.

2) Bargaining 

I wish I could tell you that it gets easier and that you’ll feel so great you won’t need to come to this, but that would be a lie. Now I’m not saying that you’ll be on your knees crying and begging, but you are going to want answers, reasons, to why things didn’t turn out the way you wanted. You’ll wonder if you could’ve done anything different been less attentive, cared less, offered less and is it too late to compromise. In this phase the best thing to do is to realize your self worth. Realize that who you are is MORE than enough and you don’t need to compromise you’re being for anyone; build your solid foundation.

3) Sadness 

It hurts, truth be told. You’ll ache in your chest and you’ll feel pain like never before. You’ll wish to run away and you’ll lose touch with reality because hurt is all you know. Every subtle thing will remind you of them and everyone will try to tell you how to feel and what you should do. Money will get spent on alcohol and tissues rather than the essentials. Of them all sadness is very hard to get past, but hard doesn’t mean impossible. Surround yourself with love until you are the embodiment of love itself. Treat yourself and work on your mind and read some books on self motivation and love. 

4) Anger 

You’ve cried yourself to sleep, and at this point you’re all teared out and angry. Anger is an emotion that’s usually in the gray area, and it’s normal to be upset when you’ve been wronged. Maybe anger is the kick start you need to figure things out to finally let go of those ties that tie you down and mean you no good. You’ll be able to live and move on, but don’t be driven to act on revenge or hold a grudge. It is that attitude that makes you bitter and closed off and that’s not how anyone should live their life.

5) Acceptance 

Now this is your moment; the creme dela creme of your struggle. It is here that you can FINALLY exhale and let all that shit go, pardon the language, and move on. It is here that all those emotions no longer bother you and you feel better than you ever have through your entire limbo. Whether you’re accepting the outcome with a grain of salt or genuinely cutting ties with your head high, you’ve come a VERY long way and you should feel proud.  This stage feels like a weight has been lifted and you smile and you realized the power that was held over you no longer exist and you have nothing but open opportunity in front of you. THE most important thing about this stage is seeing how much you’ve grown and recording the signs to live a better future and DO NOT go back. Will that be hard? Absolutely, but the point is you’ve come so far and no one has ever written a new chapter rereading the old ones. Acceptance is yours, and courage is walking away when you know that nothing else can be given. 

Until next time,

Moli

So, It’s safe to say that I have found my inspiration, and before I start I would like to point out I realize my stories won’t always be positive, in terms of emotion, but ultimately I aim to inspire you to reflect and be happy. Anyway long story short 2015 was THE single most exhausting, emotionally draining, and self challenging year thus far for me, but I have plenty of strength carried over from it. Now I will be lying if I said all of my issues and insecurities ended at the strike of midnight, but alas it did not. Im not really a fan of  the”new year new me” resolutions only because change hits you like a brick wall sometimes, and in some cases by clear choice; you don’t need a holiday to tell you that you can change. I do however understand wanting to have a new slate. 

In this particular post I want to share some things that are quite personal; because I’m trying this new thing called “openness” and I can’t expect you to relate to me or anything I write if I can’t be open to you the reader or myself. Last year from January to December I experienced constant lost, anger, depression, sadness, rocky relationships with not only my family, but my friends, with boys, and more importantly myself and faith. I was a wreck and I noticed that I continually closed myself off and I deprived myself of feeling real emotions, and I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I thought to myself why burden the ones I love with my problems when in actuality they have their own issues? Something I’m sure WE ALL say to ourselves at some point or another . Now, I’m not telling you guys this cause I search for pity, but to tell you how important it is to nurture yourself and what it means to give yourself a break, here’s my story.

Now, last year wasn’t all bad I got to travel a bit and see the big apple. The timing couldn’t have been more wrong though; at the time I was constantly in battle with my mom and I hated everything that was going on in STL. I debated if I wanted to go, but my friends insisted I leave it all for awhile and enjoy myself cause I deserved it, so I did.  Till this day I don’t regret it and I have great memories engraved in my heart because of it . I’m not telling you this because it’s majorly important, because a lot of things happened last year, but something in particular happened to me while I was there and I’ll never forget it. 

One day my friends and I were walking, on our way to Korean BBQ, and this “psychic”  pulls me aside and she says “do you mind if I read you?” Now she didn’t have a robe or a crystal ball, but she was intriguing. I threw her a bone and said sure and what happens next shocked the hell out of me, but I managed to stay calm. She said “you’re a smart girl and you’re going to come into some money” oh how nice then she says “you’re smiling but you’re hurting on the inside and trying to keep it together. You love someone but your communication is bad ( my mom and I at the time ) and you’re stuck between two choices” the smile I had became confusion because she was right; now that may not seem impressive but that’s when the detachment started becoming clear to me I had everyone and myself fooled; I was not happy. 

I left New York refreshed, but when I came back I felt oppressed all over again. Still hurting, still ashamed, and the weight of the world on my shoulders, and no one to really talk to about it. I wanted to reach out, but emotionally, I realize now, I was shutting down and wanted nothing to do with my feelings. So, I swallowed them and I carried on getting eaten away everyday by them. Moving forward I felt it would  get better, but that was not my reality.

Moving on I met a guy, but that crashed faster than the speed of light. It sucked because I  knew this guy, so I thought, and I dealt with it. More importantly I met another guy, but this guy was different for all the right reasons; though prior to him I got my heart broken three other times. So I wasn’t  looking for this guy, and he managed to come out of nowhere and showed me some things. I was happy cause what I felt and what I continue to feel is real. 

I knew that I wanted to get to know him more and see everything he would allow me to. I had my own life and he had his and we always met in the middle  to spend time with one another. He somehow understood me perfectly and I never had to pretend to be anyone I wasn’t. So what happened to this great guy ? Well in between this something tragic happened to not only him and I but to a lot of us. A dear friend passed and I shut down even more and so did he. The following weeks got harder. 

I did the best I could to be there for him. I gave him space and in that time I dealt with guilt and constant fighting with my mom at home. I cried for days, but I did everything I could to be strong for the ones around me and neglected my emotions, thoughts, and feelings. When the time came I was there open arms and tissues in hand, and I hugged him and everyone tighter than I ever could. I watched him be brave and share with me his strength; so again what happened ?

Fast forward till the last time I saw him we reunited and we were as we were before the distance. We laughed had drinks and was surrounded with friends. The night was great, but then the next day he disappeared. I mean physically he was there but mentally and emotionally he left me; I saw it in his eyes as we spent our last hours together. It wasn’t until later that day he said  emotionally he had nothing to offer me, and let me tell ya it sucked. He was honest and said he thought he was ready, but then he realized he wasn’t and given the circumstances I understood. He seemed to think, still does, that I deserve so much better than him and that we’re opposites, but what he doesn’t know is that we are just alike, damaged and tired. 

Yes it hurts like hell and I wanted more than anything to help him. However as time went on we realized it’s hard to be just friends, it’s hard to pretend what you had wasn’t  real, and more importantly that we can’t  physically be around one another. Now that’s not because there’s hate or anything, but because awkwardness is a thing. He tried to convince me that it wasn’t me; that it was something within himself and I didn’t listen. I wanted to believe it was me even though I knew he was telling the truth, and his friends did nothing but try to convince me how positive he felt about me. 

So what could I do? Every aspect of my life had taken a downward spiral and I had little to no power to change it. So I started one problem at a time trying to resolve the issues around me. I mended my relationship with my mom, and believe me that took work. I then cried every tear I could for my buddy that passed and said my goodbyes. Lastly I confronted the special guy and told him I could never forget and that I am always there, dignity in tact not giving him all of me because he couldn’t do the same for me.

Now why did I mention all these things? it’simple because I missed the most important person in this puzzle, me. That’s right I spent ALL my energy on everyone else and their emotions that I completely neglected myself. I lost who I was with the people I was around, and to the people I cared for the most. I couldn’t deal; so now here I am dealing with all of this in the best way I can before I shut down further because no one wants or need to hear it. I know now my emotions have managed to stop firing and  Ive become, or at least realized, the true emotionally unavaible one. 

I started telling myself there is no point in emotion, or feelings, or relationships of any kind not even one with myself. It got easier to feel this way because I no longer am in tuned with myself and the love I so foolishly spent on others is far gone for myself. I was just a mirror reflecting emotion onto others to avoid what is really going on inside; Im broken hearted, vulnerable and completely oblivious to my own needs.

Now this is quite the dilemma I’ve gotten myself into; still unable to show my emotions I talked to EVERYONE on my friends list. I started keeping myself busy with any and everything I could to numb these damn emotions of mine. I work extra hours, I hit the gym, and I quit romance and love all together. Why? Because being unavaible doesn’t mean you don’t desire another person or relationships with people, friends, family, etc; it’s acknowledging that something within you prevents those things from happening. Maybe it’s fear of vulnerability or just the lack of interest to be in tuned with ones self, but either way I realize I can’t be this way forever and I don’t want to be. 

Am I fixed? No far from it, but I know I have a problem. I haven’t given myself the love and attention it deserves in quite some time. Trust me admitting this much is a huge step because it requires a lot of self reflection. I decided if I’m ever going to help or be with anybody  I need to first be there for me. Which  I admit is THE hardest thing because I didnt know where to start at first.

So I started writing all my goals. It may seem simple but acknowledging what you want for yourself is a great way to journey back to self; it’s a way of saying you do want more for yourself and not just settle for who you are at the moment. Next I started reading and reading everyday to fuel my imagination because, to me, that’s part of what makes me so different. Anytime I have thoughts to txt I put my phone away and constantly tell myself if I can’t be vulnerable to myself then there’s  no way I can take care of anyone else. I have to  get selfish this time and preserve the good I know is still in me. I had to realize I can no longer chase after things I know I can’t have because I must go on and love Moli first. 

I said all these things to say I’m still uncertain cause I haven’t really been with myself, and I still can’t muster up any tears.  Im not available and I still shutter at this whole being open thing, but I know it’s what I need. I’m realizing the importance of getting to know yourself because it gets easy to get lost in others if you don’t.

Now this is all the tip of an ice berg that’s been forming for quite some time. I’ve noticed though the fire within me refuses to quit and settle for less than I deserve because it serves a purpose to no one,no matter what my heart wants. I’m a damn good woman with a lot to say and to offer, but all of that needs to happen to myself. So I’m going to do what’s best for me and let things play out the way they’re meant to. Doesn’t mean I don’t care or desire but I am acknowledging that it’s about me and my issues, and the fact I can’t bring anyone else into that family, friends, or boys. Im a lot wiser than I use to be, but of course Im willing to improve, always. 

I’m curious to know more about myself because I owe it to me. I’m getting a little selfish for all the right reasons and for those of you who understands I hope I gave you insight. Ask yourself the hard questions then ask them again and see if you want the same things. Growing up my mom called me her love child cause I always had a big heart to nurture others, but I get it now it’s my turn. See you on the flip side cause I am going to turn out just fine. 

Until next time,

Moli

1) Timing 

We live in a world that has convinced us that if we want something we obtain it then and there, but actually this approach is risky and can lead to a lot more heart ache than intended. Though risk are fun and daring to our nature we must take the time to prep for the things that are actually important to us , and whatever you may have wanted at that moment might actually take time to acquire with an open heart that is confident in its decision and fully prepared. 

2) Preview of what’s possible 

Let’s face it life can make us a bit pessimistic when we don’t get what we want, but instead of focusing on what didn’t happen focus on what did. Maybe for the first time or in a long time you experienced a new feeling or drive you never knew you had or could be ignited. You found yourself in a type of dream you never wanted to wake up from. Maybe that glimpse beyond the curtain is a sign that, yes, you do deserve that great thing you’ve been working hard or patiently waiting for, even if it’s not necessarily with that opportunity at that moment.

3) You journey back to yourself when it’s over 

Sometimes when we get caught up in those almost moments we lose ourselves, simply because we’re having fun, and we forget to carry ourselves through the process. Sure, it may be over but you’re still wonderful, and if you’re lost you get to find yourself all over again and be even stronger than before and you’ll thank yourself.

4) You learn to trust your intuition

So maybe you’re the one that called it quits, and you might be curious if that was the right choice. Well only you will know the real answer, and whatever that answer is you must trust it. Whether you may have felt you weren’t ready or you just want to go a different route; understand that if that is the right path destiny has a way of entwining opportunity again whenever you’re ready, try again.

5) Acceptance 

This is very important; because “almost situations” don’t have a official end, and they’re hard to swallow. It could be pride and it could be painful, but we must accept some things at face value. You must come to terms with how it made you feel whether that was nostalgia or heart break you have to embrace it. Why? Because you’ll never be able to adequately let go and focus on your great qualities and prepare for your new journey. 

Lastly, because something “almost” happened but didn’t doesn’t mean you’re inadequate or weak; it just means we must recognize that multiple doors open when one closes, and who knows a closed door doesn’t mean it’s locked.  You don’t have to create a negative self image because of one opportunity.  You have more than enough to offer and you’re almost there ! One day, this day won’t even matter.

Until Next time,

Moli

Are you familiar with this saying ? Maybe you’ve said it or even felt this way in consistency at one point or another. If you’ve ever said or felt this way I call it the Atlas effect. In Greek mythology there was a Titan by the name Atlas. Charged with leading a war on Olympus he failed, and as punishment Greek god Zeus condemned Atlas to hold the weight of the world and the heavens on his shoulders. Just as we may feel at times; I can only imagine the burden of so much responsibility. Feeling this way can cause a lot  of anxiety and stress leading to many other problems mentally, spiritually, physically, and emotionally. However unlike Atlas we have the opportunity to change and manipulate our Atlas effects. 

You may feel trapped by loads of responsibility and uncertainty, but I promise you it’s not the end. You have a gift, a special kind of gift, that lies dorment in you. You’ve been neglecting this gift trying to find all the openings and escape routes; when really they’ve been inside of you the whole time. Your very mind set of defeat, trapped, depression, sadness or anger keeps you bound. Instead of focusing on those things acknowledge that inside of you is a bursting light of joy that wants to remind you how incredibly lucky you actually are. When you feel loaded know this, that trouble don’t last always.

It’s only temporary and everyday is a new day. At any given moment you can start over and actually create a new and improved you. Easier said than done, I know, but no one gave you a manual on this life when your were born. A how to on life wasn’t assigned when you got older to comprehend the world. However that doesn’t leave you powerless; in fact it leaves you at an advantage. 

You’re capable of changing situations and events with just a flick of a switch. My grandmother always tell me “thoughts and things materialize” so let your thoughts be filled with positivity. Repetitive, I get it, but how many times must we always remind ourselves or another over and over again just how rad we are. How many times do we constantly give the same advice for ourselves to get through another situation? I’ll tell you, plenty of times and each time you come out a champ of your situation you gain wisdom and confidence. 

The Atlas effect is a temporary state, and it is time for you to relieve some pressure. You only live once in this life; so I recommend you do it to the best of your ability. You owe it to yourself to do more than live check to check or day to day by routine. Instead start looking out for yourself, cause you’re no good to anyone else in a broken state when they need you as strength. When you get yours then together help lift the weight off someone else and show them how strong they are.

Until Next Time,

Moli

Until next time,

Moli

Until next time,

Moli

Your journey is your own and no matter how many facts, opinions, and concerns people throw your way at the end of the day your footsteps make your choices. Being able to effectively grow and become the person you want to be takes courage to forget the haters and become taller.  Your journey should be full of ideas, twists, and turns that can’t always be explained. You grow because you open your mind to the new things you’ll encounter; hence why your canvas will be filled with beauty that is indescribably radiant. You will hurt and you will be hurt on your journey, but I can promise that in the end you’ll be victorious.

Everyone won’t understand your journey, and believe it or not you’ll learn who is in your corner. Some decisions you make make drive people crazy or away, but that could actually be a blessing in disguise. Those that love and support you will always see success in your outcome. It will be hard, but within you you’ll see changes you never knew was possible. 

The things you may want or desire will change, and sometimes they loop around. However the universe has a way of showing you your greater good and where your true heart desire lies. Don’t be discouraged by the disappointments, heart breaks, liars, cheaters, and bullies of your journey. You’re stronger than your biggest let downs and ultimately you ARE a winner. Your journey is your OWN, and when the timing is right and when things are clear the bigger picture is put in place; at that point a new level of your journey will come together.

Until next time,

Moli

Until next time, 

Moli