HAHAHA ... Can you become your own grandfather and also your own grandson?

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar and discussing about their family problems. Shot after shot. The Indian man said to the

American: "We have problem in India. We can't marry the one whom we love. You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely and domesticated girl from a village whom I haven't even met once. We call this an arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love. I told my parents that openly and now have a hell of a lot of family problems."

The American said: "Talking about love marriages, in America we can marry the one we love. Let me tell you my story. I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated her for three years. After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law. Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife is my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. The situation turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son, my brother, is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grandfather and I am my own grandson.

And you say you have family problems?"

For a good laugh

This one is from the courtroom... Sorry that I didn't update this blog as much as I would like to. I have been very busy lately!

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Typical Malaysian Drivers

Have a laugh... perhaps you are one of those?! BTW, I often ask the car in front to drive faster or move to the inner lane.... hahaha.

I like the car which can automatically park for you.

Laughter's the best medicine

This sign along the new road construction at Senadin is probably done intentionally!  

Someone probably tried to say "Me At Work" instead of "Men at Work" and then forgot the space. So, it became Meat Work which I wonder what sort of meat is capable to work!

Humour from Google Translate

I am not good in Chinese. So, I tried Google translate hoping to cut and paste all the relevant Chinese characters to make up a proper sentence.

So here it goes and have a good laugh to lighten your heart:

He fries very well 他薯条非常好 (Something like "He is an excellent French fries")
With one grammatical error, I entered:
He fry very well 他炒得很 (He fries very .... incomplete translate. So, I change a bit)
He fry very good 他是非常好的鱼苗 (He is an excellent fish fry (baby fish))

The Koala and the Lizard

One day a koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past, looks up and says: "Hey Koala, what are you doing?"

The koala says: "Smoking a joint.
Come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up, sits next to the koala
and they enjoy a large doobie.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is dry
and he is going to get a drink from the river.

But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this, swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side then asks the little lizard:

"What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to see this, and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting, with yet another joint.

He looks up and says "Hey you!"

The koala looks down at him and says...

...
...
...

...
...
...

...
"shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttttt, Dude.......
How much water did you drink?"

中文萬歲！！！

Unfortunately, the following passage needs to be in Chinese in order to feel the power of the Chinese language. So, translating it will make no sense. My apologies to all who don't understand Chinese!

一美女興致勃勃地問醫生：「我想豐胸，但是豐胸後會有什麼效果？」
醫生淡定地答道：
「豐胸後，一般會有四種結果：
1. 大不一樣；
2. 不大一樣；
3. 一樣不大；
4. 不一樣大！」
世界上沒有其他的文字能夠有這樣的功能，中文萬歲！！！


〈中文字的奧妙〉
外國人學中文，確實不容易。
中文字的奧妙，常常讓學中文的老外暈倒，說幾個聽來的段子：


一、方便
一位剛學過一點中文的美國人來到中國，中國朋友請他吃飯。到了飯店落座，中國朋友說：「對不起，我去方便一下。」
那老外沒聽明白，「方便」是哪裡？
見老外疑惑，中國朋友告訴他說「方便」，口語裡是「上廁所」的意思。
哦，老外意會了。
席間，中國朋友對老外說：「我下次到美國，希望你能幫忙提供些方便。」
老外納悶了：他去美國，讓我提供些廁所幹嗎？
道別時，另一位在座的中國朋友熱情地對老外說：「我想在你方便的時候請你吃飯。」
見老外驚訝發愣，中國朋友接著說：「如果你最近不方便的話，咱們改日……」
老外無語。
「咱找個你我都方便的時候一起吃飯吧。」老外隨即暈了。


二、乳


一位老師向老外學生解釋「乳」字的含義：乳即是小的意思，比如乳鴿、乳豬等。講解完，老師要求老外學生用「乳」字造句。
老外學生造句說：「現在房價太高了，所以我家只能買得起20平方米的乳房。」
老師聽了，冒著冷汗說：「再造一個！」
老外學生：「我年紀太小，連一米寬的乳溝都跳不過去。」
老師冷汗如雨下，說：「再造一個！」
老外學生說：「老師我真的想不出來了，我的乳頭都快想破了！」


三、意思


某老外苦學漢語10年，到中國參加漢語考試。
試題之一：
請解釋下文中每個「意思」的意思：
阿呆給領導送紅包時，兩個人的對話頗有意思。
領導：「你這是甚麼意思？」
阿呆：「沒甚麼意思，意思意思而已。」
領導：「你這就不夠意思了。」
阿呆：「小意思，小意思。」
領導：「你這人真有意思。」
阿呆：「其實也沒有別的意思。」
領導：「那我就不好意思了。」
阿呆：「是我不好意思。」
這老外聽了，一頭霧水。
中文的「意思」太深奧了，於是他交白卷回國。

Anything for sale...

We caught a very cute looking rhino beetle that other day. This fellow is double horned and according to Ah Jon, he thought that the single horn type is more rare. But whatever...

... Joshua thinks that anything is saleable and it all depend on salesmanship! He told us that he will sell this beetle for RM5! I thought that he was joking as no one will be interested in a beetle, what more for RM5! So, on Monday morning he packed it in a box and brought it to school. He not only sold it for RM5 he also got a deal to be the keeper for RM1 a day!
So, is there a better salesman out there who can beat him? He is not even 13. I think his next target is to catch nice grasshopper, which he think should be able to sell for 50 cents!

Proof of Global Warming

A picture tells a million words...

Parody election video

Singaporeans have been coming up with parody videos about their election experience and have been sharing them online. You need to understand mandarin to understand this video...

Enjoy! The joke came about from the way he pronounces some of the words.

Poco-poco

Lately, in West Malaysia, we saw ban in gambling, eg, 4D, etc. Just last week, we saw a proposed ban in poco-poco dance as it “contained elements of Christianity as well as spirit worship". How can Christianity be manifested through a dance? Anyway, I do know about this...

I think poco-poco is great for unity. The dance is so simple that anyone can join in. It is definitely good for the community. My first encounter with poco-poco was during a mission trip. I thought the dance was good as an icebreaker because it is "universal" in nature and anyone can join.
Poco-poco was perceived to be linked to Christianity due to the cross-shaped movement. So, if I choose to take a narrow view of Perak, I could see a lot of ....

... "crosses" like this one. Perhaps all cross roads must be crocked in future. Or will they ban the use of all existing cross roads?

Giant spaceships to attack Earth in 2012?

It is a little too early for April fool day joke but read the opening lines:

Believe it or not, researchers at SETI (Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence) — an independent non-commercial organisation in the United States — released a shocking statement last week that three giant spaceships are heading towards Earth.

The largest one of them is reported to be 240 kilometres wide, and the two others are smaller.

What do you think? Crazy size right? To read the full article, click here.

Old thing new use

At one time, many people had aquarium  at home. If they are like myself, this hobby didn't last for too long as it was very frustrating and not as easy as it seem. However, if one is successful in keeping those fish, it can be very rewarding. I think the major failure is the "know how". The people selling pet fish concentrate on selling but not on education. So soon, the hobby dies and so is their business.

Anyway, I found a good use to the old aquarium. I fill it up with some soil, add water, got some lily and "planted" them in there. After a few days, I bought some of the cheapest fish I could find and put them in. Then my son went to the monsoon drain and brought back more tiny fries. Add the two together and today, this little aquarium is full of fishes.
Little maintenance is required, no pump, no filtration, hardly any food is given as I think I have created a natural eco system for them to survive. I found that my dogs also drink from the tank and I topped it up all the time with rain water.

Kids Are Quick

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand...

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

Jokes to brighten up your day

I got the following from e-mail. Posted here for your reading pleasure.... so laugh!

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place:

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

____________ _________ _________ _________ ____

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________ _________ _________ ______

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year- old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

____________ _________ _________ _________ ____

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

____________ _________ _________ _________ __

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: getting laid

____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________ _________ _________ __ ____________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

____________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

____________ _________ _________ _________ __

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

____________ _________ _________ _ __________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________ _________ _____ ____________ ______

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

____________ _________ _________ ________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Some jokes to brighten your day

What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?
" Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours, but I never told them anything !! "

What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?
The ones in the casinos are serious.

When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

A little boy went up to his father and asked :
" Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from ? "
His father replied :
" Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, because I still have mine. "

John's teacher sent a note home to his mother, saying :
"John seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about girls. "
The mother wrote back the next day :
" If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his father ! "

What you are eating?

One of the ingredients used to bake cake was "white chocolate". After a little effort, Janice found the ingredient in a super mart near our home. Thinking that it was good stuff because she paid quite a lot of money for it. To her dismay, her cake was a complete failure. Thinking that it must be her fault, she tried again and failed again. So, she looked at the "ingredients" used to make the white chocolate. Actually, there is no "coco powder" at all. It is just a bar of "fat"! Price? It is almost the same as what she paid for in UK.
Ok, I am talking about something else today. This black moon cake attracted my attention...
I have to admit that it looks "beautiful". So, we finished off in no time. Then my wife asked "Do you know that you are eating charcoal?". Huh?? Checking the label...
Yes, we are eating charcoal! Actually eating charcoal could well be healthy because it is used in medical for neutralising poison. But is this charcoal purified and harmless? If yes, next time, the hospital can used this moon cake to treat poisoning! Or, eat this moon cake if we have been eating too much "rubbish" over the holiday.
By the way, looking at the picture, you would guess that the core was an egg yolk. But, check again. Egg was not part of the ingredient. Where is the yellow colour from? Does it mean that there are more "ingredient" not listed?

Church Humour

THERE was a church that had problems with outsiders parking in its lots, so the parishioner put up a sign:

“CHURCH CAR PARK – FOR MEMBERS ONLY. TRESPASSERS WILL BE BAPTISED!”

That took care of the problem!

Below are various church signs and notices that show the divine message can be conveyed through humour.

• No God – No Peace? Know God – Know Peace.
• Free trip to heaven. Details inside!
• Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!
• An advertisement for one church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads: “For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets.”
• “When the restaurant next to a church put out a sign with big red letters that said, “Open Sundays”, the church reciprocated with its own message: “We are open on Sundays, too.”
• People are like tea bags – you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.
• Fight truth decay - study the Bible daily.
• How will you spend eternity – Smoking or Non-smoking?
• Dusty Bibles lead to dirty lives.
• Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.
• It is unlikely there will be a reduction in the wages of sin.
• Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.
• If you’re headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.
• If you don’t like the way you were born, try being born again.
• Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon.
• “This is a ch _ _ ch. What is missing?” ... U R
• In the dark? Follow the Son.
• Running low on faith? Step in for a fill-up.
• If you can’t sleep, don’t count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.

Smile/Laugh with me...

Smile always, and laugh as much as you can... here is a small collection of photos of my friends. If you feel down/sad, just laugh with them because it is the best medicine.
Judith... forever so happy!
He sells me veggie in the market.



... smile cost you nothing ...
... you don't need to be rich ...
... young or old... just smile because it is free and highly contagious.

HOW TO RECRUIT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB?

Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closedroom with an Open window.
Then send 2 or 3 candidates in The room and close the door.
Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.

If they are counting the Bricks. Put them in the accounts Department .
If they are recounting them.. Put them in auditing.
If they have messed up the Whole place with the bricks. Put them in engineering.
If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order. Put them in planning.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other. Put them in operations.
If they are sleeping. Put them in security.
If they have broken the bricks into pieces. Put them in information Technology .
If they are sitting idle. Put them in human resources .
If they say they have tried different combinations,yet not a brick has been moved. Put them in sales.
If they have already left for the day. Put them in marketing .
If they are staring out of the Window. Put them on strategic Planning.
And then last but not least.
If they are talking to each otherand not a single brick has been moved...Congratulate them andput them in Top management.